There’s a whole hive of bees in your head! No! NOT THE BEES! ANYTH- oh wait, it’s just a fluorescent light. Spazz.
Where are you? How did you get here? What’s going on? These are the questions that roll through your head as your eyes try to adjust to the surprisingly blinding fluorescent light. “Maybe if you stop staring at it?” the trusty voice in your head recommends, rolling its disembodied eyes. Right, good idea. You tear your eyes away from the alluring glow of the light and look around. It’s a hospital, or at least it looks like one. All the usual things you’d see in a hospital: sterility, the color white, medical equipment, you know, hospital stuff! You’ve been to a hospital before, haven’t you?
Your head shoots up and there stands a nurse looking down at you intensely. You immediately notice that she’s putting on airs because her smile is less welcoming and more cold, mechanical and threatening. Wait, cold and mechanical…where have you heard that before….
“If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to get on with the session!” the nurse calls to you in a calm yet authoritative tone. Slowly you nod, scared yet curious. The nurse’s hostile manner fades a little, but you can tell it’s only been put on a back burner. “Right, well. Thank you all for coming!” That’s when you notice the people beside you in a circle ending at the nurse, who seems to be the leader. You’re all wearing thin hospital gowns, something your mother would shake her head at if you posted a picture of yourself wearing it on Instagram. You cross your legs to hide your shame and try to look at the people beside you, but the brightness of the light blocks their faces. All you can see is the nurse, who you’ve just noticed is once again staring daggers at you. BUSTED! You nod at her knowingly and after giving you one more intense look, she continues.
“As you all know we are here to help you get better. By using what we like to call ‘comparison therapy’ we’re going to show you what could happen if you let yourselves slip into the hands of madness,” she clicks on a projector and the room suddenly goes black, revealing only the half-lit face of the nurse and the projector’s picture. She turns back to the room and suddenly her smile is evil and conniving. “Shall we get started?” Well, at least one thing is clear: you’re definitely in a bestie article again.
Here are 25 Absolute Maniacs Who Must Be Stopped at Once.
1. Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. “Our first example of absolute madness comes from this person.” The nurse’s face turns to disgust and she turns to the crowd to make sure the look is shared by everyone else. Once she’s satisfied she continues: “we all know why this is wrong, right? The point WASN’T that they didn’t want specifically knives cutting the box, but for no metal to be used to open it AT ALL. This will be the first of many examples of people…” the nurse lets the class answer in unison: “NOT CONFORMING.” “Hmmm…forming,” you manage to jump in on the end there so you don’t feel left out. You look up at the nurse for approval. She is not pleased.
2. Your Feet Are Too Big? The nurse makes a “tut-tut-tut” sounding noise as she sees this picture. “Now why would anyone want to go and complicate their lives like that? We have RULES in this society and this poster just completely spits in the face of all us good Samaritans. Everyone, this is an example of…” “NOT CONFORMING!” you blurt out before everyone else. Satisfied with winning the race, you sit back in your chair and cross your arms, very pleased with yourself. The nurse, however, does not share this sentiment as now you can almost feel the fire behind her eyes. You sink down into your chair and gulp.