25 Couples Who Were Destined To Fail

The Adjudicator stares down at you intensely, it’s tentacles writhing impatiently.

How did you get here? One moment you’re in Costco buying up a storm, the next you’re in intergalactic court for violating some hitherto unknown space law. You’re confused, scared and surprisingly bored. Turns out space court is as lame as real court!

“For violating intergalactic law, you are hereby sentenced to 10,000 years in the void of endless pain,” the Adjudicator leans back and folds its claws knowingly, “Either that, or you must present 25 other examples of couples who were destined to fail, so that your attempted relationship doesn’t look so pathetic.”

“What a convenient segue!” you exclaim, whipping out your phone triumphantly “Luckily bestie.com can PROVIDE me with exactly what you want!” You wait around for the expected roar of laughter, but nothing comes. Apparently, puns are lost in translation.

1. A broken man, indeed. The first post comes up and you shove it into the Adjudicator’s big dumb alien face. “Ho ho! See here, weird extraterrestrial, this man isn’t providing this woman with the support she needs! A terrible couple that was destined to fail! I’ll take my one-way ticket to earth please and if you don’t mind could you make it a first class ticket, I hate coach.” The Adjudicator says nothing, prompting you to continue. “Tough crowd,” you whisper sadly under your breath.

2. The parent trap. After waiting a while (alien WiFi is, ironically, terrible) and the second post loads. “This couple was doomed from the start because this possible mother figure hated them! Much worse than MY attempt, my parents don’t care about WHO I date!” The Adjudicator leans forward: “Your relationship with your parents is of no concern to me, human,” it then pauses for a moment, “and it’s probably something you should talk to your therapist about.” “Yeah, thanks MOM, I’ll put that one in the old suggestion box,” you think, forgetting the Adjudicator is telepathic.

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