Wow, this is somewhere you never thought you’d find yourself.
Flipper, your half-man half-dolphin crush, has given you YET ANOTHER chance! Ever since you made him crash his car and drink until he passed out on your last date, Flipper is a changed aquatic mammal. He’s less about being “cool” and more about being “cultured”, which is probably why he brought you to this Gerhard Haderer gallery. As you enter the gallery, Flipper, adorned in a turtleneck, glasses, skinny jeans and a beret says to you: “You’re going to enjoy this gallery, darling.
These 24 Brutally Honest Illustrations By Gerhard Haderer Show What’s Wrong With Today’s Society!”
1. I’m all the way up! 25?!?!?!? Nobody said anything about 25? Jeez, you’ve gotta look at 24 different pictures, you could’ve done this from the comfort of your home! “What do you think of THIS?” Flipper asks, referencing the first illustration. Oh, right, pretend you know something about art! “Ah yes, of course. It represents the pressure that people in the business world face to succeed every day”.
2. Started from the Bottom. “Interesting interpretation” says Flipper, sounding impressed “and what about THIS one?” he asks, pointing to the second picture. “Well” you say, confidently “I believe it’s the poor treatment and wages that our flight staff face everyday. That’s what this illustration represents, at least.”
3. Yung God. Flipper opens his bottlenose to say something, but suddenly three men in black suits come up and slam a bag over his head, two of them dragging him off. This happens so quickly you don’t have time to react, but when you eventually do the third man stops you, shaking his finger.
4. Ric Flair Drip. “Inter species relationships have been banned” says the suited man, hand still on your chest, warning you not to try to go after Flipper “please do not attempt to recover your old partner, as he is being taken to… a holding facility. Here, take your replacement partner, instead”.
5. PICK IT UP. With that, the man in the suit presents you with a very skinny, uninterested looking girl. She types away at her phone, not even bothering to look up at her new partner. “There you go” the suited man declares “much more socially acceptable”.
6. Used 2. Before you have a chance to respond, the man disappears into the crowd of people staring at the art. You stand, jaw agape, staring out into the sea of people. You’re not too sure what just happened, but it’s probably best you find out. You know, it moves the plot forward and stuff.
7. Swimming Pools (Drank). You turn to your new partner, still staring at her phone. “Uh…” you start, not sure what to say. “What’s your name?” you manage to putter out. Here we have a modern day Sherlock Holmes, ladies and gentlemen. Truly a master of the detective arts.
8. Beamer, Benz or Bentley. “It’s Cindeehhh” she says with a valley girl, disinterested accent. Oh great, one of THESE people. You look at her and she has yet to look up from her phone. You wonder what could be so interesting that she’s looking at her phone and not this gallery. Slowly, you peak over her phone and see her reading a Bestie article. And why wouldn’t she be? Bestie is the people’s number one source for news and entertainment!
9. Type of way. “Cindy” you say slowly so she hopefully catches every word “Do you have any idea what’s going on?” Cindy shoots up a finger, as if she’s reading one more sentence before answering you. So you wait. And wait. And wait.
10. All I need (One Mo Drank). And wait. And wait. And- alright seriously, how long is this going to take? Finally, after what seems like an eternity, Cindy speaks: “I was with this centaur for a couple weeks and then these dudes came and took him. Then they took me here and said we were dating. Hold on-”
11. Hands on it. Cindy violently grabs you by the shoulder, plants a kiss on your cheek and takes a selfie. Then in one swift motion, lets go of you and starts to post the picture. “What’s your IG?” she says “I wanna tag you in this. Wait, lemme finish the hastags…. #couplegoals… #love, #lovers, #MCM, #WCW, #followforafollowback…”
12. Bees in the trap. You’re becoming increasingly annoyed at Cindy and her obsession with her phone. “HEY!” you yell at her and surprisingly she doesn’t even flinch. “Don’t you wanna get your centaur boyfriend back?” To that, Cindy shrugs. “I was only doing it for the likes anyways. You’ll be…” in a rare display, she gazes up from her phone and looks at you up and down “Alright” she finishes.
13. Bank Account. In a move reminiscent of Cindy herself, you roll your eyes at her and grab her by the arm, pulling her from the art gallery. “Come on!” you yell as she barely struggles against you, phone still in her hands “We’re going to save them, whether you like it or not”. And exaggerated noise of weariness escapes Cindy’s lips: “Whatever.”
14. Sweet sweet. Through a series of wacky, overly-expensive and time consuming events, you manage to find the place that they’re keeping the human-animal hybrids. A fenced in jail type building, with spotlights and snipers guarding the area. It’ll be almost impossible to break in, but luckily you have a plan.
15. Get Right Witcha. “I’m here to turn myself in” you say as confidently as possible, not sure if this genius plan of yours is going to work. The man working at the gate, disinterested and on his phone, waves you into the facility while scrolling through Bestie articles. Yes that’s Bestie, your number one source for entertainment and news!
16. Gucci Gang. “You’re not even going to LOOK at us?” you cry, not realizing that it may be a little counter intuitive. You’re just so darn sick of these people on their phones all the time! The man at the gate sighs deeply and looks up. “I get it” he starts “you’re a person with a horse head and she…:” he looks at Cindy, skeptically. “Actually, what IS she?”
17. 3 Hunna. You turn to see that CINDY isn’t wearing that BLOODY SHEEP MASK YOU BOUGHT HER! $23 you spent on that darn thing! You swear after this you’re going to put HER in a facility, but for now you have to stay cool. With the improv skills of an old Colin Mochrie, you say: “She’s a half human half phone hybrid”.
18. Man of the Year. The guard looks at her up and down, then shrugs and opens the gate. You smile gently at him and when you’re out of hearing range, you growl at Cindy: “Why did you take off your DARN sheep mask???” Cindy says disinterested: “I needed to post a picture. The mask would’ve made me look like a weirdo.”
19. Blessings. You roll your eyes and thank your lucky stars you’ll be done with this girl soon as you push open the doors of the facility. It’s a gray, bright, secret government base looking place, which as we all know is always a good sign! As the door swings open, you realize you’re not alone- there’s a welcome party in there for you.
20. Made Me. “Good evening and Guten Tag, my friends” says the obvious leader, a small German man in a gray suit and glasses. “My name is Doctor Frolich, it is an absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance. Please, follow me and I will show you to your quarters”. You gulp. German scientists are ALWAYS a good sign.
21. Big Tymin’. As you walk through the halls, Dr. Frolich gives you a mini-tour and history of the facility. “For years we have been studying your kind” he says, excitement rising in his voice “I have personally worked with the Soviets since in the 50s. We started with half-human half-ape hybrids, but I see that our efforts have blossomed into newer, bolder creations”. Dr. Frolich takes a look at Cindy, then back at you. “Half-Human half-phone, you say?”
22. Water. “Sure” you reply, awestruck by the facility. Dr. Frolich is clearly excited by that answer, as he claps his hands together quickly. “Oh goodie!” he says “I thought human-machine hybrids were YEARS away, but clearly I was mistaken! Where did you find her, horse-person?”
23. Red Nose. “Your agency put us together” you snap back, still not paying attention. Frolich stops in front of a door and looks at your skeptically. “That’s strange” he says “my men should have brought you here immediately. No matter. Welcome hybrids… to your new home!”
24. Out the Mud. Frolich swings open the door and before you is a beautiful, majestic and lush garden, filled with happy human-animal hybrids. Centaurs play with satyrs, mermaids frolic with fish people… HEY WAIT! That mermaid is frolicking with Flipper! Pushing Frolich out of the way, you storm over to Flipper and sock that mermaid right in her fishy face! “Hey!” yells Flipper “what did you do THAT for?”. You grab him by the fin and say: “Come on Flipper, we’re getting out of here!” Flipper rips his fin out of your hand and launches into a tirade: “What? Get AWAY from me you WEIRDO! I don’t like you, you try so darn hard to impress me all the time and you’re constantly talking to yourself. GUARDS! GUARDS! WE HAVE AN INTRUDER IN HERE!” Yikes. Awkward.
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