Well, I WANTED to write an article called: “25 ways I can take an article and randomly make it about Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” but my bosses said it was “stupid,” “made no sense,” and that “people wouldn’t enjoy it, you would literally be the only one.” And as right as they might be about the first and third comment, I could’ve made it make sense! Even though the title and concept itself say differently, it totally would’ve worked, trust me!
So fine, here I am, shackled to this article about being passive-aggressive. Why would my bosses give me this to write? I am the epitome of humility, self-esteem, and standing up for myself, I have never been passive-aggressive once in my life! I’m an internet writer for non-denominational deity’s sake, we’re known for how tough we can be!
Whatever. Here are 25 Hilariously Passive Aggressive Notes.
1. Yeah thanks, that’s really going to make me want to go to that gym. I already have too many self-esteem issues to go to the gym NOW, imagine if they berated me for trying to better myself? Okay, so it’s not self-esteem issues, it’s laziness, but that sign is still pretty darn mean!
2. The museum of roommate discrepancies. We use to have a bit like that over here at the Jake Bean writer’s team, but we retired it because it got way too boring. Oh, you didn’t know it was a team of people over here writing and not robots? Yeah, it’s me and a bunch of totally-not-robots.
3. I think that’s actually the new fragrance by whatever goofball country singer is popular now. And why wouldn’t you, passive-aggressive coworker? The beautiful scent of ketchup wafting through the air is the ultimate aphrodisiac. The French call it a certain… I don’t know what.
4. If you don’t get me, then that’s on YOU, mom! That age is always a really hard time for garbage cans, especially growing up in a low-income household like that one. It’s time to get garbage cans out of our homes and on to the streets! Oh and thanks a lot, Obama. I don’t know what he has to do with garbage cans, but he’s always involved SOMEHOW.
5. D’OH! Get friend zoned, nerd! Call me a beta, but I don’t mind just being friends with cans. I know they can be a scary bunch to approach, but get to know them and I can guarantee that at least ONE of them may have something interesting to say! Maybe if you weren’t trying to get inside them all of the time they’d be more receptive to you.
6. Maria gratia plena. Ave ave dominus, dominus tecum. The programmer is probably the easiest and thusly most aggressive of creatures. Don’t ever approach one without singing its favorite song! By the by, my catchphrase IS in fact Crikey! If it was anything else, I wouldn’t be a thinly veiled parody of an Australian icon, would I?
7. That’s enough of that, people! I’m sick of your reindeer games! This people is why you don’t bring your special cups to work. Wait, hold on, are there actually people who take random cups out of the cupboard at work and just put their gross, diseased, sticky lips all over them? I don’t blame this poster, that’s gross!
8. Apparently not a very funny or wacky fortune 500 company. Yeah, as much as I don’t like the use of comic sans I picture this office as less “fun slides and bikes like Google” and more “Office Space”. Yeahhhh, if you could possibly stop using Comic Sans that would be greeeeattt… And did you get the memo about the TPS reports?
9. A lot of those checks look like they’re from the same person… at the same time… Oh no… They should just have a list of names and see who could get the most checks at the end of every month. You’d win the “Most time and money wasted for the office” award! That or you’ll get the “most levels cleared in WordConnect” trophy. Either way poops mgee, you’ll be a REAL winner!
10. Hello? Is it me you’re looking for? Ah, a tale as old as time. Two star crossed lovers kept apart but together through letters they send to each other. Oh, it’s like that movie, the famous one with the love and the rain… Starship Troopers, that’s it!
11. Oh god, no! It’s my worst nightmare come true, I told him he shouldn’t have gone backpacking through South America! I think the call with the… er, pennappers went as such: “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired… etc, etc”.
12. Oh wow, that was totally not sacarsm, either! Seriously, at that point, you’re just asking for it. Do people really not spellcheck what they write before making it public for the world to see? Seriously, you’re just asking for people to call you out!
13. Debbie, why do you have to be such a food downer? Alright, alright. Maybe it’s cause I worked trades and retail most of my life, but do people REALLY just go into the work fridge and steal food? What kind of person DOES that? And why are people just PASSIVE aggressive about it? Jeez, it sounds like something a bully from a bad 80s comedy would do!
14. Oh god, memes are seeping into my everyday life! I’m starting to see them everywhere, I really have to get off the internet! Oh wait, that’s just my lame passive aggressive roommate again, spending all this time and printer ink just to tell me to wash my ONE cup in the sink. Was it really worth the effort, ANISHA? That wasn’t actually my roommate’s name… or was it? Seriously, I don’t know, I wouldn’t waste my time with those passive agressive f–
15. It looks like a Monty Python sketch. “Right, so we’re not to put any thumbtacks on the wall, unless you do it first”. “No, you’re not to put thumbtacks on the wall, period”. “Okay, so no thumbtacks, but sticky notes are fine!” “No, nothing on the wall please. No thumbtacks, no sticky notes.” “Right, no purple sticky notes on the wall, but thumbtacks and regular sticky notes are fine!” “No, now listen here…”
16. I know a Dave who drinks these, I wonder if it’s him! After a quick call, I have confirmed that it was not in fact the Dave I know. He also told me to stop calling me his father in law, because his daughter Charlene and I broke up weeks ago. Ha ha, classic Dave!
17. Yeah, it’s cause he owns a dealership. In fact, he was able to get me this sweet BMW for my birthday. Sure, I only have my learner’s permit, but I still manage to drive it everywhere and drunkenly crash it into a divider! And the best part is after my one and a half week grounding, he’ll just buy me a new one!
18. I like Red Bull and all, but throughout the years I feel it’s lost substance. This one for example is just AIR! That’s very sneaky coworker who just stole my Red Bull and pretty creative too! Now that we’ve had a good laugh, any chance you wanna pay me for that $13 energy drink you just guzzled down, you greedy pig?
19. Yes, very clever. You see, what they were trying to say was that the door was attached to an alarm that would go off if opened, but this comedian employee took it as the door was surprised, or alarmed. How do you come up with this stuff? Seriously, you should consider joining the Jake Bean writing team! Just a quick question, do you mind being paid in bananas?
20. The Internet folks: a gigantic, international information highway full of cat pictures, streaming gaming and the exact same Steve Jobs joke. Oh Steve, if only you knew how your legacy would be treated. Well I mean there’s the Steve Jobs pun everyone uses and the multi-billion dollar technology giant, but who really thinks Steve Jobs and then thinks Apple? Oh, everyone? I honestly think Ashton Kutcher…
21. Hey! Don’t you dare shatter my innocence by telling me that sarcastically! I’m sorry to blow your mind Mr. Ignorant, but it actually DOES make it print faster. So does screaming, pleading and smashing it in the middle of a park to the tune of “Still” by the Geto Boys. Hey, two Office Space references in one article, nice!
22. Wait a minute, Debbie, did you move offices? That dastardly fiend, Debbie! I just want to eat my lunch for non-denominational deities’ sake! I’m going to have to start setting up decoys for you Debbers, so I can catch you in the act. I’m thinking a gigantic, overly complicated, mouse trap style trap. Those never fail!
23. Ah yes, I forgot the good, proven “old phones are old” joke. Is it a Nokia that is unbreakable? All you need is that guy who goes “FUUUUUUUU” or some other advice animal and it’ll officially be 2012.
24. You are a picture of a picture, an anomaly. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question maybe the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant. I really liked George Carlin’s Scary Movie 3 portrayal of the ridiculous architect over Ferrell’s version. Oh, and why wouldn’t you just change the paper towel! SAD!
25. This person must be from the same Office Space office as previously mentioned. “Well hey there Debbie downer, looks like someone has the case of the Mondays!” And so, in the end, we learn what this article was actually about– Office Space. Ha ha! I knew I could make it about a dumb piece of media and make it make sense… kind of. Okay, not at all. Whatever.