You brush yourself off, study your choice of outfit one more time and conclude: “Yeah sure, whatever”.
Tonight’s the night! After everything you’ve put him through, your ex Flipper (the half-man half-dolphin you once made dinner for) has decided to give you another chance! Tonight, you two lovefish (before you jump on me armchair marine biologists, loveaquaticmammals doesn’t have the same ring to it) are going out on a date! What will you do? Where will you go? You don’t know and you don’t care, all that’s certain is that you and Flipper are painting the town red tonight! Or possibly blue, but you don’t want to assume. That would be species-ist.
The only problem is that Flipper is the coolest! He wears sunglasses all the time, his parents let him have parties when they’re out of town and he can totally hold his breath underwater longer than any of the other people you’ve tried to date! Why is him being cool an issue? Well, compared to Flipper you’re… how do I put this gently… about as lame as a broken-legged horse at an accordion festival.
Oh really? You think you’re cool? Remember that one time you totally whiffed that thing in front of your crush? Remember how all the kids laughed at you and Stacy from Home Ec had an absolute field day? Oh god, I remember that, you looked like such a loser! Yeah, not so cool now are ya?
But as per usual, you don’t have to worry. There’s a Bestie article that you’re going to keep open as a sort of “fun cool fact conversation starter” for your date. Isn’t it so nice how these seem to always correspond with whatever weird thing you’re currently doing? It’s like I write them for YOU!
These are the 25 Things That Are Kinda Cool If You Think About It.
1. Little Dog. A super cool convertible roars as it pulls up to your house. You skip gleefully out into the street where Flipper sits in his convertible, blasting the coolest music around: Loverboy. EEEEEVERYONE’S watching, to see what you will dooOOOooo the band sings as you sit in Flipper’s car. He narrows his sweet Oakley’s and asks you: “what’s cookin’ good lookin?” Swoooon. “Nothing, I guess” you say shyly. “Gnarlarific” Flipper flashes the best “hang ten” he can with his dolphin flipper “wanna get some pizza?”. You suddenly remember your Bestie article: “Sure! You know, this one time I saw a pizza that was really small!”. Oof, that was the best you could come up with? Flipper nods and kind of laughs in response. EVERYBODY’S WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND, the car belts as it drives into the setting sun.
2. Stone Dead Forever. The wicked convertible screeches into the lot, drifting perfectly into a spot. The intensity of it all has made you weak in the knees and when Flipper comes to your side to open the door like a perfect gentleman you fall out. He picks you up with a laugh: “woah, you okay babe”. You nod your head and hold up a rock you picked up off the ground: “Sometimes, rocks can be really smooth”. Flipper laughs again and says: “Alright, alright, alright!”
3. One. On your way to the restaurant, you notice some guys are trying to figure out how to light up its sign. “Pizza Place Pizza Place” the sign reads, dark as the night is becoming. Flipper gives you a wink and a smile, then goes over to the men working. He’s out of range so you can’t hear him, but you can tell Flipper’s alluring personality has them as smitten as you. Just as you’re starting to feel twangs of jealousy, Flipper hits the sign nonchalantly and it comes buzzing to life. The men cheer and shake his Flipper, then he turns to you and shrugs his shoulders like returning electricity to a dead sign with nothing but a slight bump is no big deal. “Hey, I used to work trades” your nerves make you blurt out “one time I worked with one shoe and then got a new pair of the same shoe and when you put them side by side you could see the difference”. Flipper pauses and nods his head. “Uh… alright!”
4. The Thing That Should Not Be. The Pizza Place Pizza Place is buzzing with excitement, Friday is their biggest night! You start to think maybe you’re not going to get a table and Flipper sees the worry on your face. He nudges you and walks straight past the Maitre D into the back. Confused but curious, you follow closely behind and when he opens the doors it erupts with applause. The head chef, a Russian man named Luigi thanks Flipper profusely for fixing his sign and assures him that food tonight will be on the house. The two are catching up when you realize: you haven’t said anything in a while! What if Flipper thinks you’re mute! He’d never date a mute! “Uh hey” you look around frantically trying to find something to talk about and eventually in the ultimate display of desperation grab a plastic fork: “You know, sometimes these things come with a knife on them for cutting.” Luigi and Flipper stare at you, then have a little exchange in Russian. Don’t worry, it’s probably not about you.
5. Fade to Black. Luigi seats the two of you in the best seat in the house, right next to Luigi’s prize-winning bathrooms. You can’t believe that this is happening, you, on a date with the coolest dolphin in town, at the coolest place in town in the coolest seat in the place. I bet the kids at school regret voting you “most likely to be a lame-o” now! Your drinks come and you immediately drop your spoon into yours. “Uh….” starts Fipper, but you’re quick with the response: “sometimes it makes an outline of the spoon with the bubbles!”
6. Some kind of monster. Jeez, talk to human-fish hybrids much? Flipper and yourself sit awkwardly at opposite ends of the table, him looking at his phone and you creepily smiling and staring at him. Eventually, he looks up. He pauses to look around and make sure you’re staring at him and eventually he just raises his forehead questioningly at you. You start to sweat, waiting for the garlic bread to come so you can segue into your next fun fact. Like a gift from the heavens, it does and you say with lightning speed: “You know how garlic comes in like little convenient cloves?” Flipper laughs knowingly at this. “Yeah, isn’t it nice that nature some-” you cut him off: “yeah well sometimes it doesn’t”. Silence. Real smooth.
7. Purify. Eventually, the two of you eat your miniature pizza and it’s time to go. “It’s a beautiful night out, why don’t we go for a walk in the park”. You seem a little scared and Flipper senses this: “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you” he says with a signature sly wink. Luckily for you, he thought you were scared, you actually just really have to go to the bathroom. You excuse yourself and rush in for a photo finish. Halfway through, you remember your next fun fact! BOOM! CRASH! You knock over a chorus line of busboys as you explode from the bathroom. “FLIPPER!” you scream across the restaurant “I WENT TO THIS SUSHI PLACE ONE TIME AND THEY HAD SEPARATE SOAPS! ONE UNSCENTED SOAP FOR PRE MEAL AND ONE SCENTED ONE FOR POST!” You stand there triumphantly until you realize everyone’s staring at you in horror. “Note to self” you think “pull up pants before leaving the bathroom”.
8. I Disappear. “I’m sorry I got you kicked out of Pizza Place Pizza Place,” you say to Flipper sadly “I didn’t remember, honest”. Flipper is of course totally cool about it: “Hey it’s alright. That place was lame anyhow and I never knew you were so funny!”. You blush a little bit, then see a little dog running by. “You know,” you say with newfound confidence “My friend has a dog that perfectly blends with his carpet!” Flipper turns to you, a smile forming on his bottlenose. “Is that right? I love dogs!” as he says this the two of you brush hands and you almost pass out.
9. Poor Twisted Me. After some walking, Flipper’s tail is getting a little tired of supporting his body weight. The two of you sit on a log in the park, staring up at the stars. “Beautiful night, isn’t it?” Flipper asks you, his sleek grey head pointed towards the sky. It doesn’t matter what he said, you’re so lost in how amazing he is, the world around you has shut off. Flipper looks from the sky into your eyes and the two of your share a beautiful moment. He starts to lean forward and for some stupid reason, you yell: “ONE TIME I FOUND A LOG WITH A BUNCH OF PENNIES JAMMED INTO IT,” right in his face. He jumps back and after a while goes: “let’s go back to the car”.
10. The Wait. Driving through the streets you come to a stop sign. “Did you know there are blue stop signs in Hawaii?”. Flipper nods his head, clearly enthralled by that fact. “Say, how about a movie?” he says “it’ll be quieter there”. In your head you say “yeah, but how am I going to relay to you all these fun facts if we can’t talk?” but you don’t say anything. Don’t want to seem uncool.
11. Where the Wild Things Are. Maybe you’re starting to get the hang of this “being cool” thing. I mean, the fact that Flipper has now turned up his Loverboy tape to full volume just means now you have to yell to talk and yelling’s totally rad. Sam Jackson does it all the time. As you glide over the roads, you scream in Flipper’s ear hole: “PLANTS LOOK LIKE FACES SOMETIMES!”
12. Turn the Page. The two of you sit on a bench looking at the smoking wreckage of Flipper’s sweet convertible. Turns out, screaming into a driver’s ear really isn’t a good idea. You sense a slight bit of tension between the two of you and decide you know how to break it. You let out a small little laugh and Flipper looks at you hopefully. “Benches, huh?” you say “one time there was this bench that looked like a stack of books!”. You waggle your eyebrows at Flipper and he just sighs. “I’m calling a cab”.
13. Bad Seed. The cab drops you off at the movie theatre and the two of you buy some VIP tickets, which means you’ll get bar service and premium food. But none of that matters, Flipper just dropped a full 35$ on you! Jeez! That’s a king’s treasure! You’d probably bury your own mother alive for that kind of cash! The two of you go to the bar and Flipper orders some tequila because as we all know dolphins are party ANIMALS. He immediately drinks his shot and throws the lime over his shoulder, asking for another. You sip your shot, taking three attempts to finish it. “You know” you sputter out between disgusted coughs “sometimes they breed lime/lemons together. They’re called hybrids”. Flipper just looks at you unbelievably.
14. We Did It Again. Seven shots disappear between the two of you, Flipper slamming down his fifth as you sip away at your second. He breathes heavily into the bar, occasionally making an “ech” or “ugh” sound. You pat his dorsal fin and say: “you know, they sometimes have grates under urinals just in case you miss”. BANG! Flipper’s head hits the bar.
15. Beauty and a Beat. That fact really must’ve blown Flipper’s mind, because he hasn’t said anything in a while. “You know…” you start, but Flipper cuts you off. “SO! What kind of music do you like?” he practically shouts in your face. His voice sounds crazed and exasperated, these fun facts must really be doing something to him! You look him dead in the eye and say: “I like Metallica”. Flipper waits a moment, then says: “Cool, I also l-” you totally interrupt whatever he was about to say for: “YEAH IT WAS LIKE THIS SIGN I SAW ONE TIME IT WAS SO RUSTED OVER IT MADE THE LETTERING LOOK ALL COOL AND METAL!” Nailed it.
16. Escape. An announcement comes on over the loudspeaker saying the movie is starting in five minutes. “Oh thank god,” says Flipper, ordering his sixth shot. Darn! Movies are a terrible place to discuss fun facts! Better get them out quick, the bartender comes to clean the bar so you say: “hey I saw a paper towel go completely see through one time!!!!” to both of them really loudly.
17. Confusion. The two of them stare at you for a moment then the bartender asks Flipper if he wants another shot. “I probably shouldn’t,” he says “I have to drive later and don’t want to get a DUI”. Luckily, you’re here to correct your crush: “Yeah, cops are the worst. One time I saw one that looked like a cab from the back but was a cop car. But don’t worry Flipper, you totaled your car remember? You’re not driving anywhere?” And with that, Flipper nodded sadly and ordered another shot.
18. Damage Case. Now you two are sitting in the movie theatre, the trailers playing. Flipper’s long face is resting on his flipper and you’re desperately trying to get him to put his arm around you. You keep yawning knowing how contagious it is, but apparently, the liquor hasn’t made Flipper sleepy. Darn! Looks like you’ll have to prove your worth to him, you look down quickly at your phone to see what the next entry is and then in the coolest voice you can muster say: “Hey Flip, g dawg. My main squeeze. Check it— sometimes hens lay eggs that are tied off at the top”. Flipper throws up a bit in his mouth in response.
19. Mistress Dread. You’ve got him on the ropes now! The look of pure, unadulterated misery on his face is a testament to your sweet facts! Quick, you’ve floated like a butterfly, now sting bee, sting! “And sometimes” you go on “You know those little women outside the washrooms?” you look at your fingernails like you’ve told this story before and everytime it absolutely kills: “Yeah well this one time I saw one that wasn’t wearing a dress”. After a long time, Flipper grunts.
20. Spit Out the Bone. OOOOOH, BABY! He’s all over you now, not making eye contact and completely not acknowledging that you’re alive. You smirk in a way you’d picture the Fonz doing and lean closer to him. “And my tape measure? Kind of looks like Mr. T”. Your words are like verbal strawberries because he hikes up his leather jacket and turns away. Probably so you can’t see how smitten he truly is.
21. All Within My Hands. Suddenly, the movie starts and Flipper lets out a sigh of relief. “Wait, no,” you say to yourself “it must be a disappointment sigh! Because he can’t hear my fun facts, right?” Hey, don’t look to me to approve your mental gymnastics, I’m just relaying YOUR story! “Well, what should I do then?” For the sake of the article, I think you should lay another fun fact on him. Tell him about the time you saw that picture of the guy with an index finger instead of a thumb! “Thanks, Jake!” you say out loud like a crazy person and turn to Flipper, who is gently sleeping. Turns out the booze made him sleepier than you thought!
22. Fuel. After two hours of silence, the movie finally ends. You look over at Flipper who is completely passed out. Awww, he’s so cute when he snores, he makes little-clicking noises! You try to decipher a way to gently wake him up and then remember his two favorite things: fun facts and water! You fill a cup up at the water fountain and while you’re dumping it on his head scream: “YOU KNOW THOSE ROAD LINES RIGHT? THEY USE OTHER STREETS FOR PEOPLE TO PRACTICE ON!”
23. The Four Horsemen. You and a soaking wet Flipper sit in a cab silently. His Oakleys are ruined, his car is ruined even the sweet jacket you were hoping he’d give to you is ruined. “All the more reason for him to give it to me,” you think, but quickly chase those selfish thoughts from your head. Flipper needs cheering up and as his future partner, it’s YOUR job to do it! “Hey, wanna get matching bobbleheads? I saw some guy did that for his groomsmen one time”. Flipper looks at you like you’re an enigma: “I don’t get you” he says while shaking his head. You shrug. You’re not entirely sure you get you either.
24. For whom the bell tolls. WAIT! You say, trying to stop Flipper. You look into his eyes, wondering what went wrong tonight. His eyes are pleading with you to say something that would make him stay. He desperately wants to like you, to invite you in for coffee and hey, you wouldn’t object to that. There is a long silence of anticipation between the both of you. “You know, Flipper,” you say, finally deciding to be true and say what’s in your heart: “this one time I saw a bus seat that looked like-” SLAM goes Flipper’s door, right in your face.
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