And now, to finally share with you all my origin story, the place where I was born. It all started in 1614, as the British started their totally welcome move into India. My father, or so I’ve been told, was a wealthy English trader and my mother was his cargo. Together they traveled to India, where my father intended on selling my mother for a hefty price. However, when they discovered she was pregnant after she had just given birth, she and the child were cast out into the jungle, where my now ex-mother was eaten by a pack of wolves.
The wolves, already full from eating a grown woman, decided to take me in as one of their own. They were pretty cool for wolves, my mother especially. While she was a mangy, sometimes harsh guardian, she did teach me how to howl and hunt, two skills that once I rejoined society went pretty much unused.
What is the point of this totally real, not made up story? To illustrate my point about how much we all love our mothers, regardless of what or who they are. They’ve done so much for you, other than being the conduit for your existence. It seems photographer Giedre Gomes also agrees with me and wants to shed some spotlight on the things mothers go through every day. With the help of her fellow mother friends, Giedre decided to take on this photography project to show what motherhood really looks like.
1. “Motherhood is being your kids’ entertainer.” Sometimes with kids, you have to be an airplane. I know, this may seem like a daunting task, especially if you don’t have a pilot’s license, but these are the risks you have to take as a mother. Don’t worry, I heard flying is safer than driving, so as long as you don’t pretend to be a car you’ll be good.
2. “Motherhood is breastfeeding whenever wherever.” As a mother, you have to be a good multitasker. Sure, breastfeeding while preparing a meal certainly is impressive, but she’s probably ALSO answering her kid’s questions. Why is the counter hard mommy? Cause it’s made of marble. Why is marble hard? Because it’s a rock. Mommy, why are rocks…
3. “Motherhood is never showering in peace.” As a mother, you never get to go to the bathroom alone, apparently. Not in my house, there needs to be a clear drawing of lines for boundaries. Then again, you wouldn’t want your kids running around getting into the drain-o while you’re sleeping in the shower. Here’s an idea: maybe never shower?
4. “Motherhood is being a maid.” Hey, at least you’ll always have help with the chores! As long as, you know, your kid doesn’t stand in the basket! Jeez, the kid is 2 years old already! When I was his age I was already HIDING in washing machines, let alone JUST learning how to hide in the basket! Millennials these days, they’re so entitled.
5. “Motherhood is trying to keep your kids alive.” It also means being good at catching. Better hit the field, you need to be the Cris Carter of catching kids if you’re going to play with the hyperactive little bra- I mean darlings! God forbid one of them falls off the couch and cracks their head… then again… the silence IS nice…
6. “Motherhood is not being able to call in sick.” Wait, wasn’t that a commercial? Yeah, it was for Tylenol or something, I remember it being a really smart ad campaign. Point is, kids haven’t developed empathy yet so even while you’re snotty, coughing and in pain, they’ll still be screaming in your ear and jumping on you and whatever.
7. “Motherhood is never ending laundry.” Sure, they could HELP with the chores every once in a while, or they could just stand in the basket. What’s with these kids and they’re bucket standing? Don’t you KNOW that’s where I have to put YOUR pukey, stinky clothes you pukey, stinky child?
8. “Motherhood is cooking with one hand.” No longer will you be able to cook with two hands. Oh, and also you’ll have to learn how to cook. AT LEAST learn how to make grilled cheese. That’s what kids eat, right? Grilled cheese? It’s got all your components of a balanced dinner, your cheese, your grilled, your butter. Everything a growing kid needs!
9. “Motherhood is breastfeeding on demand.” Yeah, see? I told you that kid was definitely pelting her with a litany of questions. Bless her soul, she hasn’t been driven mad by them yet! Then again, give it a couple years, they look pretty young. Soon she’ll look like the insane cat lady from the Simpsons, throwing cats and babbling in tongues.
10. “Motherhood Is Being A Nurse Or Wiping Kids’ Noses With Your Shirt.” You’ll be cleaning up a lot of messes, that’s for sure. From on the face to on the ground to worst of all– in the bathroom. Ooh, I shudder just to think of it. Just makes me think of that scene from Daddy Day Care. Two words a parent never wants to hear: “I missed”.
11. “Motherhood Is Having Little Helpers To Help You Cook.” There we go, this mother’s children have decided to help with the cooking. Of course, that’s just Play-Doh and melted crayons in that bowl, but sometimes you just have to play it off as a mom. Hopefully, they don’t make her eat it. As a camp counselor I had my fair share of those dishes and trust me, you might think red Play-Doh is tasty for now, but try eating it seventeen times.
12. “Motherhood Is Being Kicked In The Face At Night.” Prepare to get some kicks in the face. Sleeping with your children is never advisable, but if you must do it then prepare to get some boots to the jaw as they writhe and slither around the bed. Like the slimy, wiggly creatures that they are, wiggling and sliming everywhere. Get a job, ya darn hippies!
13. “When The Kids Go To Sleep.” These books will start to pile up, as well as the psychiatry bills. Oh, and the wine bottles. The bright side is you’ll make a fortune returning empties, just make sure to go to a couple different liquor stores so they don’t know about your alcoholism. Actually, you’re a mother now, there’s no need to have any shame.
14. “Motherhood Is Trying Not To Lose Your Mind.” Once again we demonstrate the literature needed to get through life with your children. What may seem like a beautiful family scene here is actually something a lot more sinister. Notice that even though she is now gently holding her child, as she gets more and more through the book the hugging gets tighter and tighter.
15. “Motherhood Is Never Sleeping In.” Prepare for a lot of Christmas, heck, mornings in general that begin with a foot landing square on your chest or jaw. If you’ve ever wanted to time travel to the 50s so that you could sock your little loved one in the jaw, the morning will be the time.
16. “Motherhood Is Being A Housekeeper.” Kids baffle me sometimes. That one kid clearly either sees or at the very least hears their mother cleaning up, yet they’re just making a mess for the sake of it. Why, child? Don’t you see your mother is working very hard and to the point where she no longer wears pants?
17. “Sleep Never Lasts Long, They Find You.” I hear kids are terrible at hide and seek, mostly because they don’t understand the concept of how to hide yet. Prepare for a lot of over-the-top: “Where did they go?” moments. Yeah sure, it’s fun to do after the first time but after a while, I guarantee you’ll be saying: “Yeah, you’re right there. Jake, you’re 23 years old now, it’s time to find a job”. At least that was my personal experience.
18. “Motherhood Is Never Shopping In Peace.” Going out for a nice, peaceful shop in public? Forget it, buster. Everywhere you go there is a potential for your children to turn into the modern day equivalent of velociraptors, minus the cool lizardy (possibly birdy) bodies. Scratching, screaming and biting, they will MAKE you buy those darn Lucky Charms!
19. “Sometimes Moms Need A Time Out To Have A Sip Of Wine And Check On Their Phones.” George Thorogood may as well have been a mother, cause why else would he feel the need to drink alone? Cause his girl left him? Try having kids, buddy! Uh oh, looks like I opened the floodgates for internet nerds to correct me. Actually, Jake, George Thorogood had three children, thank you very much! Yeah, I could have just gone to Wikipedia, but why give the nerds the satisfaction?
20. “Motherhood Is Never Shopping Alone.” But sometimes, they can be total darlings and remind you of why you didn’t toss them off a cliff. Cue a collective “Awww” and just like that we’re done the article. See? I can write about mothers without being one, I take it all back mothering must be the easiest job in the world! God, I hope they can understand my sarcasm.
