You sit on a throne in a dark, evil lair. Torches line the walls and before you stands a hooded figure, groveling below you.
Wait, what? How did you get here? Where are you? Oh man, you shouldn’t have drunk so much Cola last night.
“O great Evilzor” says the hooded figure, his voice wavering with fear. “I come before thee asking what our next evil scheme is”. Uh oh, it’s middle school and you haven’t done your book report all over again! Time to get those improv skills out: “Silence, minion!” you say, because you’re pretty sure it sounds evil enough “what ideas have you brought forth to me?”. The minion of evil clears his throat nervously. After a pause, he says: “One sec” and turns around. The minion quickly turns his back to you, then you see the light of a phone and a soft clicking noise.
He flips back around something clearly behind his back. “My lord, I come to thee with 24 People Who Planned Things Out Perfectly. Perhaps they can give us some inspiration!”
1. Conventional. “First,” says the minion “perhaps we should dress as buildings as this person did!” You think for a moment. “What would that accomplish?” you ask. The minion thinks for a moment and then says: “Maybe people would try to enter us?”. Oof, definitely don’t want that. “NEXT!”
2. From Above. The minion shuffles a little bit as he checks his phone for the next entry. “What if” he starts “we hide in the ceiling and spy on the people below! Then we’d know what our enemies are planning!”. You think that might be pretty evil, but you want to hear the other plans first, so you don’t look unprofessional. “Put that one on the backburner,” you say.
3. Barcode. Oh man, you are REALLY blowing this. Here you are in front of the greatest villain of all time and you’re looking like a FOOL. You adjust your hood and look at the next entry, struggling to find a corresponding evil plan. “Um,” you start “maybe we can put barcodes on our kidnapees? So they… um… have to buy themselves?” Evilzor does not look pleased.
4. Cords. Oh man, that last barcode plan was genius! Maybe this hooded guy should be the supervillain, not you! Heck, you can’t even handle your cola! Unfortunately, the minion has already moved on: “What if we mess up everyone’s cords so they can’t find what they want to use!” Wow, that’s a good one too!
5. Cereal. Your parents were so right about you. “You’ll never make it as an evil villain’s minion” they said “just be a dentist, like your brother!”. NO! They can’t be right, you’re certain one of these evil schemes will be the one. “What if we put ice cubes in cereal? Then it will get all soggy and gross!” you blurt out. “Actually” says Evilzor, your master “ice cubes in cereal make the cereal stay fresh and the milk stay cold”. Darn! So close!
6. Chocolate. Wow, this guy is good! How is he coming up with all these incredibly evil plans? “We could…” the minion starts, waking you from your self-doubt “we could melt all the chocolate in the world?”. You look down at your minion, trying not to look TOO impressed.
7. Fan. Uh oh. Evilzor didn’t even SAY anything about that last plan, they must REALLY hate it! You quickly try to save yourself: “Why don’t we put books on rickety fans? The white noise would completely change and mess up EVERYONE’S sleep cycle”. Evilzor looks at you with what you think is contempt. “What if they don’t SLEEP with a fan?” quips your evil master of doom. OH! FOILED!
8. Shirt. Your minion and yourself stand in silence for a while as the minion stares at some light source. What’s that he’s holding? Must be some sort of evil device. “SHIRTS!” he says “we can fold them for everyone so that they don’t feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with finishing your chores!”. You nod your head and say: “Wouldn’t they be happy their chores are done?”
9. Gas. DUH! Of course people would be happier if their chores are done, how could you be so STUPID! You’re really starting to panic now. “What if we, um…” you sneakily look down at your phone “what if we… fill up everyone’s cars with gas! Then when they go to put in gas of their own it will spill everywhere and we LIGHT THEM ON FIRE!” Nailed it.
10. Dishbath. You really like the cut of this minion’s jib. Lighting people on fire? That’s evil as heck! You’re starting to get the hang of this, so you say: “what if we put dirty dishes in people’s bath water? That would totally be gross!”
11. Noodle. JEEZ! That totally IS gross! That’s why Evilzor is the all powerful ruler of all things evil and you’re just a lowly minion, a dentist’s brother. You sigh deeply, knowing you’ll never be as evil as your master. But darn it, you’ve got to try! For your parents’ sake, at least! “What if we tape pool noodles to people’s cars? Then, they won’t know if they’re aquatic of not and drive them off a bridge!”
12. Wine. WOW! That was so evil! Way eviler than your dumb dishes in the bath plan. You’ve got to step it up or this minion is going to outshine you! You, the all-powerful ruler of all things evil! “Um…” you start “we can put POISON CARROTS in people’s wine bottles and they’ll think their corks! But they won’t find out… until it’s too late”.
13. Wrenches. “LOCKPICKING!” the minion blurts out “we go around from locker to locker at middle schools and BREAK their locks. Who knows what stuff middle schoolers have that we can steal for evil purposes!
14. Sheets. This guy is so good at plans! Lockpicking, fiery murder, bridge jumping, this guy has an evil mindset! You’re impressed, maybe you’ll give this faceless minion a promotion! Maybe he’ll even have a NAME one day! “What about if we hide people’s belongings in their sheets” you muse “then they’ll have to spend a long time looking for it and they’ll be late for work!”
15. Protection from oil. This evil lord is so good at plans! Gross bath water, carrots, now tardiness? Maybe you’ll move on to another supervillain, this one is clearly too malicious for your pitiful soul! “We can make all the foods in the world super oily” you say, trying to save face “and then when people try and make them, they’ll get little burns!”
16. Freezer. What a catastrophe! Your minion is TOTALLY outdoing you on the evil front! “That’s all well and good minion” you say “but what about people’s freezers? How will you bring evil there? Could you perhaps stack a bunch of frozen fruit on top of each other so that when they open the freezer everything comes crashing down, making a mess and possibly knicking their feet?”
17. Batteries. “I don’t know much about freezers” you say to your master in the humblest, least offensive way possible “but I do know that if you rub batteries together they lose some of their power. If we do that with everyone’s batteries, then they’ll never… PLAY XBOX… AGAIN! MUAH HA HA HA!”.
18. Gatorade. GEE! This guy even does an evil LAUGH better than you! You can help but reel back sheepishly at his booming laughter. “That’s an okay idea, I guess” you say, mustering up as much confidence as possible “But what if we destroy the packaging that holds together Gatorade? Then turtles will be free to attack the land and help us in our endeavor!”
19. Haircut. You really hope you didn’t offend the master with your evil laugh, you were only trying to emulate your hero… or villain… which ever. You DO love the direction they’re taking though, using animals to do your bidding, why didn’t YOU ever think of that! “Terrible haircuts!” you finally say “let’s give the world terrible haircuts!”
20. Hidden Beverages. You lean forward, dying to hear more about this bad haircut plan. “Uh-huh” you say “Go on.” The minion paces back and forward, then finally says: “we’ll put a bunch of fake plants everywhere that secrete hair loss pathogens”.
21. Ticking mouse. “Then” you continue, still pacing as your master watches intently. Maybe you’ve got them with this ‘hair loss’ plan. Take THAT mom, dad and brother! Who’s the dentist NOW, huh? “Then, after the hair loss pathogen has sunk into the extroverts, we’ll get the introverts by lacing computer mice with the same pathogen!”
22. Personal Rave. You’re on the edge of your seat now, DARN this minion is good! “Then” he continues “we’ll set up glowsticks on fans all over the world…”. “Uh-huh…” you prompt him to continue.
23. Apples to Oranges. “Then…” he says, stopping. He pauses for a moment, then looks up at you: “I don’t know what then, master”. You roll your eyes and scoff “FOOL!” you yell “that way we can sell oranges at our raves, which everyone will want to come too because they don’t want anyone to see them in the light!”. The minion looks embarrassed, but looks up at you: “then what, my lord?”.
24. Magnet. “Then, obviously” you say, totally making it up as you go “obviously then everyone will be orange addicted ravers, right? Which means they’ll have a lot of piercings, right?” Your minion nods intently at every “right”. You pause for a moment and suddenly you’ve got it: “THEN we will fly around a giant magnet, picking everyone up by their piercings and KIDNAP THE WORLD!”
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