Good puns are a pun-fortunately a pun-derrated art form, as likely to earn you punishment as praise. But if you’re pun-deterred by pun-comfortable looks every time you drop a punchline, you’re pun-stoppable.
(Okay, okay, we’ll quit now. Never let it be said that we were pun-willing to listen to feedback).
This carefully-curated list of genius puns from Reddit is full of the best (worst?) ones we could find. We guarantee that at least seven of these will make you laugh. And, if you get to the end and find that we were wrong? Then, we guess, no pun in ten did.
“Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says that I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.” (deleted)
“Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky that it was a soft drink.” (Jinkies)
“What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.”
‘I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a Shih Tzu.’
‘A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” ‘ (KasparovD33pBlue)
“What are you when you’re running in front of a car? Tired. What are you when you’re running behind a car? Exhausted.” (Miniature)
“The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.” (futbolerorsl)
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” (deleted)
“Michael Foot, the leader of the Labour Party UK, was a celebrated proponent of Nuclear Disarmament. It’s sadly (probably) apocryphal, given that it doesn’t appear in the Times archive, but Martyn Cornell claimed to have once written an article on the topic that was headlined ‘Foot Heads Arms Body.’” (Portarossa)
“I was doing shots with JFK in the pub, but I won’t do that again. They went straight to his head.” (deleted)
“Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.” (VivaScar)
“I had a friend in high school named Charles, but he went by Chuck. Every time I’d see him I’d ask, “What’s up Chuck?” Without fail, he’d always reply, “Vomit.”‘ (tasteless song)
“A jester’s king was prepared to have him hanged for making too many puns. At the last minute, one of the king’s advisers pointed out that good jesters were hard to find. The king pardoned the jester at the gallows, saying that he would be spared so long as he never made another pun. To which the jester said, “well, no noose is good noose!” (spook 327)
“Gandhi, as you know, often went on several hunger strikes. This left his body somewhat feeble, and he refused to eat animal protein, or anything not in accordance with his beliefs, leaving him with surprisingly bad breath. Gandhi was also known to live a humble lifestyle, often foregoing shoes and accumulating many foot problems as well. Essentially, Gandhi was a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis.” (MisterMexecutioner)
“I guess if you tell Dad jokes when you don’t actually have kids, that’s a … Faux Pa.”(johnwalkersbeard)
“There’s a fine line between sitting on the dock looking like an idiot, and fishing.” (Tramalfadorian)
“Being vegetarian was a huge missed steak.” (LeavingMyself)
“I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again: it.” (honkeykay)
“I like to tell the story about how when I was walking down the street in Mexico, an ambulance flew by, sirens blaring. As it turned the corner it hit a bump and the rear doors briefly opened and out flew a small cooler. The ambulance continued on unaware. A small crowd gathered and when someone opened the cooler, I looked inside and there was a human toe! Which prompts the inevitable “What did you do?” To which I find great joy in replying, “I called a toe truck.” (ElmerFishpaw)
“-Have you heard of Murphy’s Law
-Yes, it’s the one that says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
-What’s about Cole’s Law?
-No, what’s that?
-It’s a thin-slice cabbage dipped in mayonnaise and sour cream.” (K2P2C)
“Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them” (-Georgie)
“What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.” (OneLiner)
“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet; I don’t know why.” (deleted)
“A bipartisan bill legalizing medical marijuana for use in alleviating symptoms of arthritis would be joint support for joint support for joint support!” (arun_bassoon)
“Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleeves.” (NotThatWhite)
“I heard they don’t allow confectioners in the armed services anymore … there’s just too many desserts.” (mountain)
“What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.” (Reader’s Digest)
“The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.” (Avocado_Toast)
“I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.” (JokeYoda3e)
“What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.” (ICU)
“What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!” (bopping)
“I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.”
“What nationality are you on the way to the bathroom? Russian. What are you while in the bathroom? European. What nationality are you when you leave? Finnish.” (nature)
‘There’s two fish in a tank, and one says to the other “How do you drive this thing?” ‘
“What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.” (crushed)
“When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.” (Tallman)
“A good pun is its own reword.” (drjimhill )
“I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.” (TheCart0graph3r)
“There was a newspaper headline about a tightrope walker walking across the river Han in Korea. The headline went “Skywalker Crosses Han Solo.” (yen223)
“I thought my nose was bleeding, but it’s not.” (rickster999)
“An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub…
The doorman stops them and says, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.” (Soshi100)
“The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as double bassists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. “Hey! We need to get back!”
“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.” (f*ckyeahorchestra)
“Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines!” (deleted)
“People have always told me that icy is the easiest word to spell, and now that I think about it, I see why” (kaisersozen)
“If you’re wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots, are you ranch dressing?” (meerkat)
“Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.” (squirrel398)
“I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.” (saving1000)
“Never trust atoms! They make up everything.” (buttercup)
“I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.” (deleted)
“I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.” (OneLiner)
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” (RogueNine)
“Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.” (One-Liner)
“What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.” (alosercalledsusie)
“I stayed up all night wondering when the sun would rise, then it dawned on me.” (lindymad)
“I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” (stormtrooper111)
“I have a speed bump phobia, but I’m slowly getting over it.” (RootLocus)
“I’d tell some radio jokes but I’m afraid that they’d get a bad reception.” (deleted)
“It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.” (trumpetmormon)
“Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.‘”
“Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.” (UnderwaterLabTune)