That project you’ve been working on now is drifting dangerously into “taking forever” territory. You’ve made the mistake of telling all your friends and family about it, so now it already feels like it’s done even though, let’s be honest, it’s not even close. You look back at the idea you held so dearly and closely to your heart and maybe you think: “Alright, it’s been long enough. Time to throw in the towel”.
Hey, that’s enough of that talk! Your momma didn’t raise no quitter! That’s why you have that caffeine addiction you’ll never quit! So turn that frown upside down and look at these poor saps. They should probably disregard what I just said.
This is 25 People Who Should Just Give Up And Stop Trying Forever.
1. That’s what I call free baby wipes! We start our journey through failure with this poor gentleman who lost his toilet paper in the toilet. Ooh! Well, if you let it dry you’ll have some of the driest toilet paper on the market!
2. As the blob crept from the house it consumed everything in its path. Unstoppable, unkillable… Either they had a sweet rave in there or God has brought down his kingdom of heaven to suburbia. That or you know, they had a laundry amateur in the home.
3. Even pigs would think that’s too much. Hey! How did you guys get a picture of the house I lived in at college? Wait, that couldn’t possibly be my house, I don’t see ONE Doritos bag amongst the disgusting, strewn about pieces of trash! Also, just ONE guy crashing on your couch? In my day you could fit three of your pals on one couch!
4. Mass text failure. I wonder if any of those 36 girls felt bad enough to send him a text. Or maybe they were impressed by his efficiency. That’s what women look for in a man, right? Efficiency above all else? Or was that droids…
5. SPLAT! See folks, this is why you get a dog instead of a cat. The dog would’ve been all over that spill in a nanosecond, I’m not too certain about cats but something tells me they wouldn’t be licking cheap microwave food off the dirty floor. On another note: How did you get TWO pictures of my house at college?
6. Crew cab, long box, smashed up trailer and hitch. A true American man’s car. Does anyone else duck their head when you’re in a big truck going into an underground parking lot? I know I’ll usually fit but it’s this weird force of habit that I can’t kick. Like lifting your feet up going over railroads.
7. MINE! Oh seagulls. There’s a reason people call you the rats of the beach. Or, in some of the less classy, perhaps greasier circles, the CHICKEN of the beach. Never had seagull, not sure if I want to try either. I would imagine the garbage they pick up at the beach wouldn’t make them taste very good.
8. I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU! That wasn’t even the worst part: she also had her entire fist in her mouth, her arm was dislocated from trying to lick her elbow and her hand was palming her face. When asked why she was palming her face, she replied through gargles and spit: “to see if I have cancer”.
9. Amphibious dog. Now, now, before we start throwing words like “negligence” and “animal cruelty” around, we need to consider all the facts here. What if he was just taking his pet trout on a stroll around the boardwalk? You don’t know him, you don’t know his story.
10. All we are is creases in a page. The good news is that you’ll never have to look back and cringe at your high school photos, just in case you had a problem with that. Personally, my grade 12 photo was of myself in just a jean jacket, staring blankly at the photographer. No reason to cringe there!
11. As a Canadian, my mind immediately went: “Oh, bummer about the Iced Cap”. But, it’s Dunkin’ Donuts version actually. I find a lot of my fellow Canadian friends have a problem with old Dunkin Donuts. Maybe they’re afraid of American encroachment, but I don’t know. There’s a reason they put donuts in the name, because they’re out of this world. Seriously, if you live in Toronto I know we have a couple, so try them out! (PS. this is not sponsored content, I’m just a fan).
12. The Pickle Hoarder. See, I could’ve made a Rick and Morty joke here but the toxic fanbase has whittled and muddied whatever part of that quote was funny in the first place so much that now I’m even too afraid of being lumped in with those guys to put that joke. A long explanation of why I won’t use the joke sure, but never the joke itself.
13. God’s Flan. God’s Flan. I make quiche sometimes I don’t. “RANDY! You can’t go getting yourself religiously motivated tattoos, it goes against MY LIST!”. “Uh… sorry Earl”. Ah, Jason Lee. Can you do no wrong? What’s that? He’s a Scientologist? Ooh, not touching that one. In fact, let’s see if my editor even keeps it in.
14. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Home Ec 101. Today, we’ll be making quiche. Listen BRAH, maybe if YOU went to the gym and got ripped like this bro over here, you’d be able to pull off the lazy apron look too, you beta!!!
15. I’m not angry Nigel, just disappointed. Who will win out today folks, the Finding Nemo references or the quiche jokes? Anyways, the person who should quit here isn’t the sassy grandma (which, as we all know, NEVER gets old) but the scorned Pelican. Maybe stop attack humans ya mean old bird.
16. Watch out for that tree! Ooh, eee. Don’t worry honey, get on my shoulders, it’ll be alright. No, I promise, you’ll be fine! Anyways, so your dad has decided that for his mid-life crisis he’s going to be a trap rapper… honey? Where’d you go?
17. Wait a minute… Tina Belcher? Is that you? Alright, full disclosure, this did, in fact, happen to me once, so I can see where the mess up could’ve occurred. Wet day, slippery parking lot, maybe you park it somewhere you THINK it’s not going to slide, then it DOES and you have to spend all your hard earned money on replacing some 1000$ censor you didn’t even know your car HAD.
18. Yeah he’s a real “pastender”. Okay, it’s not as good as “impasta”, but I’m trying okay? Anyways, I prefer the wacky pastas to the long boring ones anyways. Except of course spaghetti or any sort of noodle, which are always welcome.
19. At that point, I’d probably just smash through the glass. Deal with the bleeding and scarring later. Be careful with those things people, vending machines are the silent killer. I hear they kill more than sharks, planes, guns, cars, smoking, and cancer combined? These stats are of course all totally real and not made up for the purpose of filling this article.
20. How much longer till they’re dry, do you think? Funnily enough, this is how Satan dries his clothes on the regular. Why do you think you always see him in either a freshly dry-cleaned suit or wearing nothing but his goat fur? That’s what I thought!
21. Hello darkness my old friend… You, random internet person, are my kindred spirit because EVERY TIME my friends and I go to a McDonalds late night this happens to at least one of us. Then we have to go to the cashier and let them know, they’ll correct themselves etc, etc. Gee, it’s almost like they don’t roll out their best staff at 3:43 AM! Weird, huh?
22. Some evil, twisted prank. Who’s deranged plan was it to make the soap the same color as chocolate and then make the soap the shape of a cake? You’re practically BEGGING people to eat it at that point. Unless of course, that IS the point…
23. A moment of silence, please. I know some guys up north who would see this and squeal. I think you can see the point of entry off to the right, but one has to wonder what other messes this rolling monster of sweet muscle left behind.
24. Wha… Who… Whe…. OH! Now I see it! The bottom fell off! And I know what you’re thinking: “well, duh. I can’t believe you didn’t see that off the bat, you blind… erm… flying mammal”. I don’t have the best eyes, okay? I can’t figure out what it is either, like every other normal human I’m in front of an incredibly bright computer screen 8 hours a day!
25. Oh boy. And folks we end on the cringiest of cringy cringes. My question is why in god’s name did he try again after he got rejected the first time? And why is that girl sticking around after he keeps trying to kiss her? So many questions, so little entries remain.
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