“And lo, the camel doth rideth me now, for I am but a slave who was wence a mastahhhh”. Oh boy this play is going to suck.
You look over at your co-producer, artiste and director EXTRA-OR-DIN-AIRE Art Van Der Showere. He sits, smile spread sickeningly across his dumb mustachioed face, hands clasped together in front of his mouth. The twinkle in his eye suggests that he is on the verge of tears. Your hammy, over the top actor finishes his hammy, over the top monologue. Art lets out a flurry of tiny claps and leaps up, weeping pathetically. “Magnifigue! Magnifigue!” he keeps repeating, totally unaware that he’s butchering the French language. “What’s with this guy?” you think as he turns to you. “And so? What do you think?” he asks through sobs. “Umm…” you start “It’s a little weird”. Art Van Der Showere scoffs at you in response: “Mais mon ami! This is how Ewwww-manite is! Here…” Art pulls out his phone and shoves it in your face.
“Check out these 25 People Doing The Weird Things People Do”
1. But you’d look sweet upon the seat of a fence built for two! “Ahhh but look at this fellow!” Art starts, showing you entry number one “he is riding a fence! That is not normal, no? You could even go as far as to call it bizzarrrrre.” He rolls his Rs annoyingly.
2. He must be a cold lil guy! “I think you’re missing my point” you say, but Art already has entry number 2 in your face. “See? This person is wearing his pantalons very incorrectly! They’re all the way up to his shoulders in fact! Have you ever seen something so ridicule?” Oh non-denominational deity, his French splicing is getting annoying and it’s only entry number 2!
3. Well, that’s one way to drill a hole, but I’m thinking maybe it’s time for an upgrade? Art opens his mouth to comment on the hammer and drill dynamic, but you raise your hand to stop him. “Listen, I just don’t GET the play, alright? It’s about a camel who rides his master? What?” Art rolls his eyes and rubs the bridge of his knows. “You know, if you didn’t know such a prolific writer as Jacques Bean than I would never work with you!”. Oh, this guy likes Jake Bean, so that gives him two fans and only one of them is made up!
4. Hey, you get sweaty swimming all those laps. In the pool. Made of water. “This play is as redundant as putting water on your face in a pool!” you cry out “Please, Art I’m begging you, help me understand this play!”. Art is still rubbing the bridge of his nose, so you’ll have to wait for him to stop. Now I know why his last name is Shower!
5. Oh Gene Simmons, life really has gone downhill for you since they canceled Family Jewels. You decide that the best way to get through understanding this dumb play is by going step by step. Mostly because Mr. Showere has yet to even look at you. “Let’s start from the beginning. What’s with the big headed monsters with their tongues out?” Art scoffs. “Those are to represent the big corporate tyrants who are always mocking the middle class! DUH!” Yeah, reader. Duh.
6. Good for her! “And the vaseline in the face? What’s that about?” Art seems to get incredibly annoyed by that comment. “Of course that represents the way that even our safest everyday products can sometimes blow up in our face. You know what? I’ll just tell you the story again. It should take about 18 different points.”
7. Shrek is love, Shrek is life. So after the scene where the actresses get vaseline sprayed all over them, we of course logically move into the Shrek worship scene. This is so we can represent how Internet culture bleeds seamlessly into our everyday lives.
8. Art is nothing without danger. The bow and arrow scene is one of my personal favorites. It represents the struggle between the sexes and how women most of the time get the tip of the arrow. It emanates sexuality, power, and anger. I know you may take some issues with this scene considering we’ve already lost three actresses, but that is la theatre, mon ami!
9. Fox News’ programming has taken a step up since the O’Reilly firing, I see. Now as for the Hillbilly watching himself on the television, that is meant to represent how we only absorb media that applies to our own set of beliefs. It implores the audience to search out other points of view by contrasting it with such an extreme situation.
10. The toilet is love, the toilet is life. This scene is a dig on religion itself. I know some may take issue with this representation, say for example, Bestie.com, so I will claim no association with them if I decide this scene should go on the play. I want everyone watching this play to know that these are the beliefs of ART VAN DE SHOWERE, a totally real person.
11. Don’t blame the moon. Man, and his connection to nature, is what I’m trying to convey with the bald head becoming the moon scene. It’s going to be great too: we’ll use a long, winded soliloquy where the man eventually BECOMES the moon itself, which everyone I’m certain will enjoy. If there’s anything modern play-goers enjoy, it’s long, winded soliloquies!
12. Don’t mess with me, brah. My dad owns a dealership. The man with the several popped collars is meant to represent the excess the rich will sometimes divulge in. It is meant to show the ridiculousness of excess spending and how the rich should probably stop. I’m not certain if any rich people will want to see this low budget community theatre play, but you never know.
13. Listen DAD, how am I ever going to get subscribers if I don’t post Minecraft videos every 35 seconds. Who ELSE is going to post them if I don’t? This scene is meant to showcase our obsession with technology. Why enjoy the pleasures of a real beach when the virtual world can offer you something much cooler? Like a virtual beach?
14. Listen DAD, you’re old and don’t UNDERSTAND technology! This scene, of course, follows the previous one because it represents the futility of trying to control evolving technology. Soon, our tablets will be watching us instead of the other way around.
15. Listen, Gillian, I know I’m supposed to drink Diet Coke my own way but there has to be a limit! No, I don’t want to go live in a yurt! Ah, the drinking coke upside down scene. That is obviously supposed to represent the way corporations are taking liberties with the human body. Who cares how you put it into your system, as long as you BUY, BUY, BUY!
16. Listen, sir, if you keep acting this way you’ll never get ahead in life! What do you mean you don’t understand the glasses and face on the head scene? It’s obviously supposed to represent Louis C.K’s internal struggle with the man he wants to be versus the man he truly is. Can he possibly overcome his demons? Will he ever be able to return to the spotlight? What does Louis CK have to do with my weird play? Nobody knows.
17. I scream, you scream, we all scream for… cola? This is yet another dig on corporations and how they control your body. Once again, all that matters is that you BUY BUY BUY. Who cares if your cola is in a bottle, cup or cone. All they care about is that sweet, sweet money!
18. Show me what those legs do, bae. At this point, our main character who has yet to show up finally does just that. However, he perspective has been so twisted throughout the play that her legs have twirled around each other, in some sort of strange display. This is to represent how her internal conflict is affecting her externally.
19. Hopefully, that bus didn’t move… The merging of man and bus is to represent how ingrained the public transit system is in our daily lives. It is also to represent the dangers of letting this public transit “move on” to put it plainly. It would kill us to not have that sort of convenience
20. I want a paternity test, now! Darn you Rover, I knew I should’ve never trusted you! What is a man? What has he got? These are the questions I wish to answer with the scene involving the pregnant mother and the two puppies. Are we human? Or are we just as animal as the… well, animals. The fight between the father and the mother is an incredibly powerful scene, so we need to keep it in, despite the implied animal love
21. I’m sorry to disturb you sir, but there seems to be a lizard on your head… Styles come and go, but this scene with the lizard haircut demonstrates how reptilian and well, snakelike trends can be. I know we probably should’ve done a snake, but my stylist could only do lizards.
22. Like a hula hula hoop, hula hula hoop. This scene is in the play to portray the struggles that other countries face every single day. It’s a metaphor, really. We’re going to have a bunch of first world people wearing ONE hula hoop, whereas someone from a third world country will have five, six, even TEN. Yes I know, it’s visually brilliant, I expect nothing short of a Tony
23. Apparently, this is a “living dollar coin”. This living dollar coin is meant to depict the place money has taken in our lives. It has become its own living, breathing thing that we hold as dear to our hearts as we may a loved one. However, it’s also blackened and barely living because it is a flimsy social construct that could collapse at any moment
24. Vape Naysh! The vaping scene at the end of the play is supposed to represent how the next generation, as much as we don’t want them to, will end up making the same mistakes as us. While they may look different (I.E. cigarettes to vapes) the principles will be the same. Vapers will be just as stinky and obnoxious as smokers. I know the irony in saying this because I too am a smoker, but at no point did I say I WASN’T stinky and obnoxious
25. Attack of the killer oranges! So that’s it. Art Van Der Showere stands in front of you, arms outstretched and panting, waiting for your approval. All you can do is shrug, which seems to be enough for Art, because he kills the break and brings the actors back onstage. Oh well, you’ve seen The Producers, you know how much money a flop can make! Maybe you can add a scene about killer oranges or something…
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