The Russians who always hijack Jake’s articles stand together in a secret Soviet underground bunker. One, a large, scarred, imposing and weathered Russian Colonel by the name of Kiber-Grabitel’ (let’s call him KG for short), is rubbing the bridge of his tired, scarred, weathered nose. His partner, a “brilliant” Soviet scientist by the name of doctor Biystvo (We can call him B for short) has presented them with their newest animal hybrid experiments. The Colonel is less than pleased.
“You have got to be joking me,” he says, frustrated. “This has to be some sort of ruse.”
The Scientist smiles on, confused. “No joke, comrade! The Red Army will benefit greatly from these experiments, I can promise you.” The Colonel cocks a skeptical eyebrow in response and B shoos him along. “Come, we look together. These are the Red Army’s newest genetically altered creatures, a little regiment I like to call: 25 Times Corgis Mixed With Other Breeds, And The Result Was Absolutely Pawsome.“
1. Doberman Pinscher. “Now I understand why a Doberman can be in the army,” starts KG, trying to explain his frustration calmly to his comrade. “But why in the name of Stalin would you splice it with a CORGI?” The Scientist only chuckles at that. “Soon. You will see,” says B.
2. Shar-Pei. “This specimen,” starts B, pointing at the second Corgi hybrid. “Will be able to infiltrate the Chinese head of state, and that way, we can impose our own Soviet, REAL communist ideas into their poser Communist government.” B beams proudly at the Colonel, who just sighs.
3. Shiba Inu. “Ah, now this one I’m very excited for,” the scientist starts. “You know how we have a fondness for attacking Capitalism through the Internet?” There is a long pause between the two old friends. “Are you asking me or–” B cuts off the Colonel. “Well, THIS dog has been used for Cryptocurrency and, of course, memes. We can steal the money and minds of the Capitalist youth with this one!”
4. Pug. “Pugs are also quite big on the Internet, Colonel,” B continues. “However, this one is more perfect than even a regular pug. It slims down in the bug-eyed department, which gives it a cuter, more meme-able approach.” KG rolls his eyes, “Well, you would know.”
5. Chihuahua. They come to the pen of the sixth entry and KG gives B an inquisitive look. “This one is so that we can infiltrate the heart of Capitalism,” B pauses for effect. “Rich, Beverly hills dwelling, white women.” KG thinks about that for a moment and decides not to tell B he thinks that actually might work.
6. Toy Poodle. “A poodle mix, doctor? What would we need a poodle mix for?” The doctor thinks for a moment, he’s not even sure if he thinks this plan will work. “The ultimate expression of Capitalist dog decadence, right? What’s more dog decadent than a dog show? And you always see poodles at dog shows!” B hopes that was a good enough excuse, but judging by the look on KG’s face it wasn’t.
7. Pitbull. “It’s smaller, easier to conceal and just as vicious, that’s why,” starts the scientist in response to KG’s question about why they wouldn’t just go with a Pitbull. “It’s like you’re not even listening to me Colonel, there is a REASON I combined all these breeds with corgis!”
8. Greyhound. “Take this dog for example. It has all the benefits of a greyhound yes, but it is smaller, closer to the ground, and more aerodynamic with less wind resistance. A specimen like this one will allow us to show Soviet superiority at the next dog Olympics.”
9. Labrador Retriever. The Colonel yells, “Aha! Why would we want to make a Retriever smaller? Surely they should be bigger to, you know, retrieve bigger things!” B chuckles lightly at KG’s ignorance. “And what, pray tell, would happen if your prey went down a hole? How are you supposed to get it with a big dog?”
10. Boxer. “This is why I make Boxer-Corgi, too. So that we can take down larger prey,” the Colonel looks at the tiny, sleeping puppy. “It gets bigger, right?” B shakes his head and purses his lips, “No, why do you ask?”
11. Beagle. “This smaller, more compact version of a Beagle will be great for sniffing out traitors and American spies we can poison,” the Scientist snaps his fingers in delight “Hey! Maybe he can even sniff out poison!”
12. Red Heeler. “An Australian sheep herding dog? Why would we need one of those?” B smiles widely. “The farmers of our great nation have been complaining that their sheep have become unruly, almost like they’re revolting. We can’t decide whether that’s inspiring or punishable by death.”
13. Alaskan Malamute. “This hybrid will be perfect for pulling tanks through the harsh Siberian winter. Plus, it is an American dog that we have convinced to join the side of the Soviet Union. We always accept people and animals who want to live in Russia — as long as they’re not spies!”
14. Samoyed. “It’s crossbred with a Samyo…. Saoym…. Sam-yoed? Whatever, it’s crossbred with a Siberian dog to gives us warmth in the cold, Russian winters. With all that fur and lots of cuddling, we should be able to stay moderately cold instead of life-threateningly freezing.”
15. Miniature Schnauzer. “This one really gave me some moral trouble,” says B while scratching his balding head. “Mostly because the dog I bred the corgi with was a fascist, but I think I’ve successfully converted him.” With that, B turns on the Soviet National Anthem on a nearby record and the dog turns away. B shrugs and says,“Looks like he’ll need some more work”.
16. Dalmatian. “This dog will be great for putting out fires, trust me,” the Colonel looks at the Scientist, shocked. After a while, B rolls his eyes and scoffs, “We’re not going to USE the DOG, you moron!” The Colonel scoffs at his comrade and slyly states, “I knew that!” He did not.
17. Australian Shepherd. KG looks at B and cocks an eyebrow, wondering once again why they needed a DIFFERENT breed of Australian Shepherd dog. B looks at him and shakes his head: “What? Australians have the best Shepherds. Do you want the quelling of the sheep revolution done right or not?”
18. Chow Chow. “Once again, we will use this breed against China, but not for infiltration, for intimidation. You know what the name of this dog translates too in China? ‘Puffy-lion dog.’ It’s also been called ‘Dog of the Tang Empire’ so who knows? Perhaps those traitors of communism will worship it.”
19. Shetland Sheepdog. The Colonel sighs as once again. A sheepdog shows up but B is quick to defend his decision, “We can use this dog against Americans in their media. Remember Lassie? Well, THIS ONE winks and is WAY cuter. The foolish Capitalist pigs will go CRAZY over lil’ Lassie over here!”
20. Shiba Inu. The Colonel becomes more and more frustrated as more doubles keep showing up on this lis- er, I mean, in the secret Soviet underground bunker. “Listen,” says the Scientist B. “We want control over the Western youth, do we not? Trust me, they spend an unhealthy amount of time on the Internet.”
21. German Shepherd. “And what of this specimen?” asks the Colonel. “Did you have trouble converting him from being a fascist?” B gives KG a puzzled, kind of offended look. “For starters, Colonel, it’s a SHE and HER mother was a Soviet-born German Shepherd. Just because it has a German name doesn’t automatically make it a fascist.”
22. Pomeranian. “This one, however, is a total German Nationalist. Almost completely beyond repair. It’s gotten so bad, mostly because the owner of the father used to teach it to do the Nazi salute on command. Don’t worry though, I heard he got jail time for it.”
23. Australian Shepherd. The Colonel KG looks once again at the Scientist B, who just sighs and shrugs. “All right, full disclosure,” he starts. “I just really love Australian sheepdogs. They’re my thing okay don’t judge me.”
24. Golden Retriever. “But this one is the PRIZE of the collection,” says B, beaming with pride. “There is nothing more typically American than a Golden retriever. We’re thinking, considering the President doesn’t have a dog, of sneaking it RIGHT into the White House…”
25. Siberian Husky. “Now THIS ONE I like,” exclaims Colonel KG as the dog jumps and barks at his feet. “Well Colonel, I was thinking about using this one too…” the Colonel waves a hand in B’s face. “If you let me keep this genetic experiment right here, I won’t have you shot for wasting the Union’s time.” B shrugs in response. Hey, talk about an offer he can’t refuse!
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