Whether you’re taking care of someone else’s baby or through a series of unfortunate and regrettable events you produced your own, now you’re stuck with this screaming, smelly, occasionally painful and even less occasionally adorable blob of unspeaking flesh. And along with the blob comes a veritable entourage of blob products, from shampoos to oils to… butt paste? Alright, this is getting really weird.
Don’t worry, because do we have a secret for you. These expensive, “baby only” products… aren’t just for babies AT ALL. In fact, they can be used on regular humans as well.
Yes my dear, dear readers, this is 24 Brilliant Ways To Use Common Baby Products For Adults.
1. Boudreaux’s butt paste isn’t just for butts. Have you been taking your child to the mosquito pits too often? I know I have, which is why I use healthyway.com’s recommended Boudreaux’s butt paste for MY bad mosquito bites and irritated skin. Now I can bring my baby to bug infested lagoons without fear of irritation. Just West Nile Virus.
2. Baby shampoo is a super gentle cleanser. When I’m not scratching at my litany of mosquito bites, I find that my sensitive skin becomes incredibly irritated when I try to soap it. That’s why I use healthyway.com recommended child’s shampoo in order to get a cleanser that won’t hurt my delicate skin. Don’t worry, I give my baby MY shampoo, so as to toughen his skin up so his won’t end up like me. It’s kind of the same reason why I named him Sue.
3. Baby wipes are great for makeup removal. Did you dump your baby on your mother so you could go out for a night of drinking cola and smooching boys? After you wake up in the morning, use your child’s butt wipes to get that pesky makeup from your face, or at least that’s what the scientists at healthyway.com claim. It’s cool, it’s fresh and your baby will only cry a little bit when you replace his wipes with one ply.
4. Diapers make amazing ice packs. Sick of cleaning up messy diapers? The people at healthyway.com tell you to do away with the business entirely by making your kid’s diapers into perfect ice packs. Just soak the diaper in water, toss it in the freezer and voila. Magnifique! Enchante (etc). Where is your child supposed to go? Hey, you’ve got a litter box, don’t cha?
5. Baby powder is incredibly versatile. The people at healthyway.com claim that baby powder is the renaissance man of baby products. It removes the stink from shoes, it can untangle jewelry, it helps remove sand from your feet, it will give you eternal life and it also works great for helping you put on plastic gloves.
6. Pedialyte is the hydration king. By “hydration king” the people at healthyway.com, of course, mean an amazing hangover cure. Sure, it’s mean to hydrate sick babies, but try to tell me that after a cola binge you don’t feel like a sick little baby.
7. Baby detergent works wonders for people with sensitive skin. Remember that sensitive skin comment I made a couple entries ago? I think it was about…. Baby powder or something (what, you think I reread my articles? They were perfect the FIRST time I wrote them). Anyways, according to the people at healthyway.com the same applies to baby detergent. If you’ve got sensitive skin, throw in some of your clothes with your baby’s. Hey, two birds stoned at once. Wait, hold on…
8. Baby sunscreen works for adults too. Not even the immense power of our solar system’s star can best the versatility of baby products. Turns out when you go to the beach with your sensitive, pasty baby you only have to buy one bottle of sunscreen, so sayeth the resident geniuses at healthyway.com. Or alternatively, your baby and yourself can dance with Melanoma in the pale sunlight.
9. Baby oil helps remove mascara. Woah-hey. Slathering the material your baby uses to wipe its butt all over your face wasn’t enough? The baby geniuses at healthyway.com tell us to use the stuff your baby uses for messages to get off that mascara. (Disclaimer: The author wishes it to be known that he has no idea what babies use baby oil for. What, did you expect him to google it? What, and rob you of the joy of learning?)
10. Diaper cream is a great moisturizer. Speaking of putting butt stuff on your face, the cream you use for your baby’s poop receptacles makes a great moisturizer, or at least that’s what the people at healthyway.com say. This works out really well, because as previously established, your baby will be pooping in a litter box, so they’ll have no need for diapers or any relating creams.
11. Nipple cream has many uses besides the obvious. Ah, nipples. Confusing and somewhat uncomfortable for men, obvious add-ons for women. But did you know that according to the scientists at healthyway.com, the cream you use for sore nipples works great for dry, chapped lips? Why stop there? Start bathing in nipple cream and you’ll be the smoothest, sleekest mother at the next playdate.
12. Gripe water is great for remedies. While it sounds like something someone would offer you if you’re mad at them and they’re being a jerk (have an issue? Here’s some gripe water), gripe water is great for soothing upset stomachs in babies and in adults, or at least that’s what the guys at healthyway.com explain.
13. Baby shampoo doubles as a detergent for delicate fabrics. Do you have delicates that you don’t want ruined? Does that stinky, dumb, adut stuff always ruin your… um… ADULT fabrics? Well, thanks to the people at healthyway.com, we have a solution for this, just use baby shampoo.
14. Baby oil polishes stainless steel well. Does your sink/bathroom/fridge/mind prism look terrible? Can’t find anything to get the stains off your stainless steel? Apparently, according to healthyway.com, the baby massage oil works wonders on worn stainless steel. Side note: why are babies giving each other massages anyways? What do THEY have to be stressed about?
15. Baby wipes destroy deodorant stains. You are currently in possession of a baby now. Whether you birthed it, are borrowing it or stole it, possessing a baby can be a very stressful situation, which can lead to embarrassing deodorant stains. Look good for your next baby photo/mugshot by using baby wipes to get rid of those disgusting deodorant do-badders.
16. Clean your cat with baby wipes. What? Who cleans their cat? According to the people at healthyway.com, apparently, some people do. Their advice is instead of coaxing your kitty into the bath, rub them down with some baby wipes instead.
17. Aquaphor is great for minor burns, as well as other minor injuries. What was originally for rashy bums, according to one of the many websites I visited, the miracle cream can work for grown-up rashy bums…as well as burns. Wait, I’ll probably have to source this… it’s from Reader’s Digest? What a blast to the past.
18. Detangling Spray works on YOUR tangles, too. Do you wake up in the morning and your hair is a disgusting, embarrassing, pathetic mess that even Medusa would look at and say: “Jeez dude, buy a brush!”. According to an article in the Huffington Post, Detangling Spray for babies also works well for the non-baby people.
19. The Beaba Babycook Baby Food Maker can be used to quickly reheat or defrost precooked foods. Do you have some sort of chicken/kale diet mush that you need to reheat quickly? According to Buzzfeed, you can use the Bucky Bailey’s Bully Buckers Food Maker to make defrosting a worry of the past. Whoops, we mean the Beaba Babadook Baby Food Maker. Our mistake.
20. Puffs make for a delicious low-calorie snack. You’ve heard of cheese puffs, puffs the tissue and puffs of smoke… but BABY puffs? And baby puffs… for adults? Yes folks, according to the genius minds at Buzzfeed, this baby treat is a great low-calorie snack for those of us looking for a healthier mid-afternoon munchies option.
21. Puffs not your style? Try GoGo Squeez Applesauce On The Go pouches. And if disgusting puffs of air designed to be fed to children who can’t say no don’t please our readers, I’m sure his/her royal highness would enjoy GoGo Squeez Applesauce On The Go pouches. If not, perhaps we can cook you some foie gras and liver? By why shouldn’t you enjoy the great taste of GoGo Squeez Applesauce On The Go pouches?
22. Baby oil can give you a more comfortable shave. Yes, at least in Canada it was a hard winter, but beach season is coming up. Time to do some shaving so that we don’t look like a bunch of Sasquatches out in the sun. Turns out, for those of us with dainty skin, we can use baby oil to shave ourselves, according to an article in the Huffington Post. Maybe this year the zookeepers will stop chasing me!
23. Dr. Brown’s Bottle Brush is better for things besides just bottles. What am I looking at? Dr. Brown’s Bottle Brush? The people at bestproducts.com tell us that this product is great for cleaning out stained wine glasses. You know, that thing you need after spending a day with a screaming child?
24. Smarty Pants Prenatal Vitamins are great for hair and nails. These vitamins aren’t just great for turning your Lil’ Kevin Federline into a Lil’ Einstein, but they’re also good for your hair and nails.
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