The animals gathered excitedly together. Apparently, the old boar Colonel had something to say. When Colonel had something to say, it was a big deal around the farm. Colonel was the wisest and oldest of the pigs, who were the smartest animals on the farm. Surely, this was going to be something worth hearing.
Suddenly, the lights dim and the animals are startled. Usually, Colonel will just come talk to the animals, lumbering slowly into the barn and talking in his raspy, aged voice. But not this time, lights begin to make circles around the room as a drum-roll and fanfare begin to play. This is strange, think the animals, Colonel usually doesn’t use this much pageantry…
This is 25 Animals Who Absolutely Don’t Give A Damn.
1. Yes honey, I agree. This IS the perfect place for a nest! It’s warm, solid, close to schools… BOOM! Fireworks go off and “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses starts to play. Out comes Colonel, hopping around excitedly with a tie wrapped around his neck and a Bluetooth in his ear. “HEY!” he screams at the crowd of confused animals. “Do YOU want to own your own home like THESE ducks?” The crowd remains silent. “WOO! ALRIGHT!!”
2. Che Guevara, eat your heart out. The old pig goes on, pacing from side to side at the front of the barn, panting and slicking back the fur on the top of his head. The sweat from his face drips off his huge, fake grin. “Do YOU want to defy the humans like this goat? Come on people I’m not just talking to myself, am I? WOO!” The crowd stirs a little in response. “What’s going on?” cries out one horse.
3. Hey, it’s me on Monday morning. “What’s going on?” says the excited, previously wise and reserved pig. “The future is going on baby, right here, right now. And don’t worry my friend, we’ll turn that long face upside down when you’re lying on a beach, sleeping the day away!”
4. You think he was allowed to use the carpool lane? The pig slows himself down a little bit, addressing the crowd with a calmer demeanor: “I use to be like you. A chump. Working for the big man. Riding on cars to get places. You know, poor animal stuff.”
5. Pardon me madam but… GET OFF! “Man,” the pig continues. “I was so sick of other animals, people, heck, even some of the objects were sitting on me! I was just a stool for people to use and then throw away once it dies. Sound familiar?” Suddenly, a grave wheels on to the stage.
6. Wow, my couple friends were right! This area IS a great place for a nest! Close to downtown, nice below ground pool, plenty of bars in the area… It was the grave of an old goose by the name of Gary who had died earlier that year. “GARY!” Colonel screamed at the gravestone. “GARY! GET UP! WE CAN DO IT NOW! ALL THOSE DREAMS WE HAD, THE BELOW GROUND POOL GARY! YOU CAN HAVE IT NOW!” Suddenly, Colonel turns to the crowd: “Except he can’t. Because Gary’s dead.” Gary’s goslings could be heard sobbing quietly in the back of the barn, but no one could hear them, they were too confused and enthralled by Colonel’s performance.
7. Ah, it’s grey, freezing, depressing and everything is dead or dying. Don’t you just love winter? “DON’T BE LIKE GARY. Don’t die unfulfilled and lonely, your kids being crudely reminded of your death by some shouting maniac. Don’t let life make you feel like your dead either, like these Huskies in the picture.” At the sight of the other dogs, the farm’s dogs all started to bark and growl.
8. Chillin’ out, max relaxin’, all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school.After the dogs were calmed down, Colonel launched back into his presentation, “I know I was sick of sleeping in a barn. I couldn’t stand sleeping on cruddy hay, so I traded up. Now, I’ve got my own deck where my raccoon friends come to hang out. That’s right I said raccoons, they’re city animals, so you know they’re cool.”
9. Lovely dinner Margaret, I loved the spread. “And that’s not even the best part folks. From the deck you move into my house, the house that I OWN and you walk into the foyer. To your right is my gorgeous dining room, where I PAY animals like YOU to be centerpieces for my lavish, rich people dinners. See?” Colonel clicks a button with his hoof and a big powerpoint comes down, showing this picture.
10. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie… “That’s not it either folks, cause if you go through the gigantic doors that separate my dining room and kitchen, you’ll find a full in-house kitchen staff where once again animals like YOU work. For me. 24/7, making me all the grains, oats and humans I can possibly eat.”
11. Somebody get this seagull off my head. “Then, after you’re done indulging yourself on the finest oats and grains money can buy, remember that beach nap we talked about earlier, Mr. Horse?” Colonel says, pointing at the horse. “Well, how about you and I go out there right now, under the watch of seagull guards who stand on top of each other like this picture.” Colonel clicks the next slide. “And take that nap. Whaddaya say, horse?” The horse responds with a loud, “YEAH!”
12. Closing time, open all the doors and let you out into the world… “Then why are we sitting here TALKING about it when you guys are being left out like dogs in the rain? Let’s hear from some OTHER people that by using my method got rich beyond their wildest dreams!”
13. There’s something wrong with this picture… do you think they switched our beds by accident? The powerpoint flickers off and on pops a dog with sunglasses and a Hawaiian T-Shirt. “I use to have to give my bed to the cat. Those were the most uncomfortable sleeps of my entire life! But thanks to Colonel, now I have my own king sized bed!” With that, the dog jumps back onto a HUGE impractically large bed, “Thanks Colonel!”
14. Nah, I don’t want a bargain bin cat, they always break after like two weeks. Another dog, this time a female poodle with a brilliant diamond necklace, pops onto the screen. “When I was poor, I use to have to find my kitties on the street to chase em’,” she starts. “But thanks to the Colonel and his method, I now buy only the fastest, leanest most exciting cats from the premium bins!” She starts to chase a cheetah around the room: “Thanks Colonel!”
15. Insert gravelly, over the top, 300-esque monologue about standing up to adversity here. Finally, a cat crackles on to the screen. “When I was younger, I use to be afraid of dogs. Now, thanks to Colonel’s patented method, nothing scares me!” The cat is seen standing in front of a bunch of barking dogs, and it turns to the camera: “Thanks Colonel!”
16. Oh you know, just chillin’. Killin’. The screen turns off and the lights come back on. Colonel is sitting with his raccoon friend in chairs just like this picture at the corner of the stage. Excited whispers cascaded throughout the crowd like rivers of gossip. The farm had never seen a CITY raccoon before and boy, did it emanate cool!
17. Freddy knew the date was going well, but he wasn’t sure if he was going to seal the deal. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you to meet rocket,” says the Colonel, Rocket the Raccoon waving his hand as the crowd claps on. “Tell us about your life, Rocket.” The raccoon clears his throat and with a dignified, artsy, hipster voice squeaks out, “I write full time from the comfort of my home. I’m dating the most gorgeous seal in all the city and all this is thanks to the Colonel method.”
18. If everybody had an ocean, across the U-S-A… “Really?” says the Colonel. “But what was your life like BEFORE the Colonel method? Was it just as good?” The raccoon shakes his head, sad and genuine. “No sir. Ducks use to ride ME to get to the other side of the pond!” The whole barn erupts in laughter, except for Gary’s goslings, who are still crying.
19. I am the owner of this apartment now. My first decree – rent money shall be spent on tuna! “I remember my lowest point,” says the raccoon, stepping out into the spotlight to do his totally not practiced soliloquy. “I was in the gutter, throwing up some old Listerine and rotted, fermented apples I use to use to get drunk. I had a cat that I owed money standing on my back, waiting for me to finish so he could break my paws…” The crowd gasps in horror at that last comment.
20. Hey, you’re lucky it’s not thanksgiving you Jerky Turkey! “I use to get pushed around by everybody. Skunks, Fish, Possums, Pigeons, Rats, heck, I think a turkey even took me for granted a couple times and we all know how smart turkeys can be!” Roaring laughter fills the room as the turkeys gobble absentmindedly in response.
21. Hold up…. Hey, to the chickens who be thinkin we soft we don’t…. Plaayyy….Colonel comes behind the now sobbing raccoon and holds him tightly, getting an “awww” from the crowd. He looks up at the animals and goes, “Chickens, are YOU tired of being eaten, beaten and your eggs taken away?” The chickens squawk frenziedly at that.
22. This is my bed now. No, I don’t care if you’re the Messiah, what is that supposed to be a human thing or something? “CATS!” screams Colonel as the birds squawk excitedly. “Are you sick of being pet by humans against the fur, not fed whenever you want and are generally at the whims of everyone bigger than you?” Crazy, feral mews and hisses erupt from the crowd.
23. I agree with the cat above. Why can’t a deer be a pet, too? Speciesist. “Hooved animals!” Colonel says as he lets go of the raccoon, who has miraculously stopped crying. “Horses, goats, mules — are you sick of breaking your backs for the humans every single day only to be shot and turned to glue when you’re too old?” Neighs, whinnies, and the stomping of hooves echo throughout the barn.
24. I’ve got a bone to pick, I don’t want you multi-toothed mother gators sitting on my throne again! Colonel turns his attention away, setting up his big finish: “COWS! PIGS! EVERYONE ELSE! Are you sick of everyone and everything treating you like your some animal, when you should be treated like a human?!?” The barn goes absolutely crazy, everyone is off the walls nuts.
25. He also wrote: “Drake and hen 4ever.” “THEN STOP!” screams Colonel. “And use the Colonel method! All you need to do is sell THESE vitamin supplements and get TWO other animals to sell under you! You’ll get a percentage of the profits not only from their sales but from the sales of everyone THEY bring on, too!”
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