They say that everyone’s a critic, but not everyone’s as funny a critic as the satisfied customer who left a hysterical Amazon review on a “Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun.”
The “ZAP Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun” (coming in at a cool $59.96) is exactly what it sounds like: essentially, a pair of electrified brass knuckles that can blast out 950,000 volts of power. This “patented device” has a safety switch that you can flip off with a thumb, allowing you to “touch the attacker to repel them.” It’s advertised as “perfect for joggers, walkers, and runners.”
One customer’s hilarious 2013 Amazon review has resurfaced recently, and it brings the reader almost as much joy as you could get from tasering innocent passers-by with an only-mildly-legal weapon:
“I purchased this after I was confronted by some punks demanding that I hand over my money. I’m a relatively fit guy, but I was no match for them. That is when I realized that I need to protect myself. The day after I bought this product I went to the very same Wal-Mart parking lot when I was first mugged. I approached the group of hooligans standing outside the entrance, concealing my secret weapon. I coolly asked, “Remember me?”
“One of them looked up and said, “Have you come back to buy some Samoas or Thin Mints? My Girl Scout Troop needs to raise more money!” I replied “you’re not taking my money this time”. “But sir, they’re delicious!” she said.”
“I whipped out my Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun hand and shouted “WRONG MOVE B****!” The five girl scouts ran away screaming. As I pounded my chest in victory, I accidentally activated the stun gun and applied 950,000 Volts to my right nipple.”
“I woke up 4 hours later to the sound of heavy footsteps. Those Girl Scouts had brought their fathers. But I was ready. I lunged at the largest one with a cry of “RAGGLE FRAGGLE!!!” and hit him in the stomach. He hit the ground harder than a fat kid on a jungle gym.”
“As the others began to circle around me, I changed techniques. Holding both of my hands in tight fists, I raised my arms to my sides and initiated the helicopter spin. They all backed off, fearing my impressive RPM. After a while, I started getting dizzy, and one of the fathers decided to try to tackle me. As he ran to me, I stood there, dizzy and queasy; time was going real slow. Then I remembered. I had eaten lunch at Chipotle and the burrito was fighting its way back up my stomach.”
“I turned toward my enemy and launched a stream of projectile vomit at him, knocking him to the ground. Then I started singing “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the… FLOOOOORRR!!!!” I grabbed my Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun and shoved it into my mouth, running headfirst at my foes, electrocuting them with my teeth. Eventually, they were all unconscious, and I walked home victorious.” (Fin)
Sadly, the product is no longer up on Amazon; only the review remains to mark its passing, like the astronauts’ footprints remaining on the moon. Luckily, for those in desperate need of electrified knuckles, “Women On Guard” sells a similar product, as well as electrified walking sticks and canes.
Alas, for those looking for more of the author’s masterpieces, it appears to be the only one. Like J.D. Salinger, Amazon user “dog” has gone into seclusion, leaving us only with their art to remember him by.