The Adjudicator stares down at you intensely, it’s tentacles writhing impatiently.
How did you get here? One moment you’re in Costco buying up a storm, the next you’re in intergalactic court for violating some hitherto unknown space law. You’re confused, scared and surprisingly bored. Turns out space court is as lame as real court!
“For violating intergalactic law, you are hereby sentenced to 10,000 years in the void of endless pain,” the Adjudicator leans back and folds its claws knowingly, “Either that, or you must present 24 other examples of couples who were destined to fail, so that your attempted relationship doesn’t look so pathetic.”
“What a convenient segue!” you exclaim, whipping out your phone triumphantly “Luckily bestie.com can PROVIDE me with exactly what you want!” You wait around for the expected roar of laughter, but nothing comes. Apparently, puns are lost in translation.
1. A broken man, indeed. The first post comes up and you shove it into the Adjudicator’s big dumb alien face. “Ho ho! See here, weird extraterrestrial, this man isn’t providing this woman with the support she needs! A terrible couple that was destined to fail! I’ll take my one-way ticket to earth please and if you don’t mind could you make it a first class ticket, I hate coach.” The Adjudicator says nothing, prompting you to continue. “Tough crowd,” you whisper sadly under your breath.
2. The parent trap. After waiting a while (alien WiFi is, ironically, terrible) and the second post loads. “This couple was doomed from the start because this possible mother figure hated them! Much worse than MY attempt, my parents don’t care about WHO I date!” The Adjudicator leans forward: “Your relationship with your parents is of no concern to me, human,” it then pauses for a moment, “and it’s probably something you should talk to your therapist about.” “Yeah, thanks MOM, I’ll put that one in the old suggestion box,” you think, forgetting the Adjudicator is telepathic.
Instagram | @thatfunnymuslim_3. Mean dads. Flashing the third post, the Adjudicator snatches the phone from your hand. “You’re saying this human blatantly made fun of their partner? For no reason?” You give him an over-the-top nod that says: “Oh yeah, see how bad THEY suck?”. The Adjudicator stares at the post, baffled. “How do I get to the next one?” it says, jamming the phone into your face. You snicker internally: “now I’ve got him” forgetting that LITERALLY one post ago I said it was telepathic.
4. How… sweet? The Adjudicator stares at the phone for a while, muttering things like “darn internet provider… I literally just got a new modem… Seriously if-” it suddenly cuts itself off. “Okay, here we go. Look at the expression of the human emotion known as ‘love’ these two show for each other!”. It hands you back the phone and after a moment of studying you hand it back. “Check out the guy’s face”. All the alien can reply is: “Oh.”
5. Lost and Dumped. “What?” the Adjudicator looks terribly confused “I don’t understand. So what if her husband found something?”. You roll your eyes, filthy alien scum, not understanding the intricacies of human relationships that have developed over millions of years. “Look at the text BENEATH the husband’s”. The Alien looks again, still confused. “I still do not understand, human. What kind of picture would get this man excited?”. You snatch your phone back. After a second, all you can reply is: “This is a family website, Adjudicator.”
6. Kellie, Anna, same difference! The Adjudicator is enthralled by the article at this point, its weird seven-toed feet resting upon its podium. You notice the stench of its feet, but try not to think about it. Your mind remembers an old Twilight Zone trick and you start thinking of multiples. “2 x 2 is 4. 4 x 4 is 16. 16 x 16 is…. Uh….”. “256” the alien replies nonchalantly “and I have a condition, okay? They don’t smell that bad”. With a certain degree of self-consciousness, it puts its feet back down. “I think I’m starting to understand this, these two were a bad couple because one was trying to hook up with the other’s friend, right?”. “NOW you’re getting it!” you say, quickly adding in: “sorry about the feet.”
7. Not anymore you’re not! “Same thing, right?” the alien points at the newest entry. You think for a moment. “On the surface, yes, but different enough visually that it counts as its own entry!” you say, beaming with unearned pride. The Adjudicator twists its tentacled face into what you think is a frustrated frown and grumbles: “the next one better be…better…” You gulp, worryingly remembering which hack wrote the article in the first place.
8. The ending story. The Alien lets out a chuckle and you hope that’s good. It shows you the entry so the two of you can share a laugh, but you’ve already read and shared this article 5 times so you feign a chortle, fully knowing what the entry is already. The Alien looks down upon you, frustrated: “do you not understand the humor, human? The two of them were cheating on each other the whole time! FOOLS!” you nod quick and knowingly, fearing what the void of endless pain might entail. You’re going to take a wild guess and assume at least pain. “Then again,” says the Adjudicator “you know what they say about assuming!” it pauses for a moment, chuckling to itself. “But you’re totally right, it’s actually really bad”
myspace.com9. My baby mama eight months, her little sister too. Who’s to blame for both of them? “Oh ho ho!” laughs the Alien ‘this entry is a two for one!” you smile at the Adjudicator hopefully. It suddenly cocks it’s head, confused. “Human,” it asks, looking at you with childlike wonder in its eyes “what is pregnant?”. You let out a deep, dumbstruck breath. “Uhh…” you say, trying to rack your brain quickly for something family-friendly “ask your mother”.
10. Nightcrawler. “This one I can relate to” the Alien finally says after a long pause “we have teleportation on my planet too”. Confused, you grab the phone and read the entry. “Oh,” you finally conclude, “I think they just both happened to be at the same club and the one in grey was caught red-handed in a lie”. The Adjudicator takes back the phone, now the confused one. “Wouldn’t that mean they were BOTH in the same nightclub?” You shrug and reply: “maybe that’s why they weren’t good for each other then?”. The Adjudicator thinks for a moment and then returns to the article, apparently satisfied.
11. Dear Dave. “What has this female human done to this car?”. You search for the right words and eventually land on: “it’s for revenge. Listen to some Carrie Underwood, it’ll make sense after that.” The Adjudicator leans back, idly swiping at the phone. “Wow,” you think “it’s playing with its phone lazily like we do! Maybe we’re not so-” “save it” the alien once again interrupts you mid-thought “I see what you’re trying to do.” You frown and start doing multiplications in your head again. “16 x 16 is… uhh… uhh….” the Adjudicator looks up at you in disbelief, waiting for you to find the answer. “256!!!!” it screams after you take WAY too long to answer.
12. Stinky start. The Adjudicator is still a little angry you forgot the answer to 16 x 16. “Maybe the REASON you’re in intergalactic court is because you never listened to your partner! Look at how attentive this human man is to his human woman. He follows her around even when she makes waste!” You make a disgusted face and the Adjudicator nods. “Ah, it says. This must be a trait that is undesirable on earth. How strange”. You’re starting to think that this tentacle-faced being from another galaxy might just be a little weird.
13. When the sun seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine. The silence of Alien court is suddenly broken. “What is Maury?” asks the Adjudicator “and why would someone ditch their partner for pizza?” You’re now the one who’s confused, as that last part should be self-explanatory. For the sake of not spending 10,000 years in the void of endless pain, you explain anyway: “Pizza is one of the greatest things on the planet. Love is hard and mysterious. Pizza is soft and easy!” The Alien ponders this for a moment. “Have you ever considered dating pizza?” Now it’s your turn to ponder, but not for long. “Yes, but it got too messy”.
14. Maury 2.0. “In answer to your previous question,” you say, segueing brilliantly between posts “Maury is the show I should’ve pointed out for you when we first started this little dance. They have bad relationships on that show all the time. For example, apparently, this person’s partner is leaving unidentified teeth around, which on earth is what we call a ‘red flag.’” The Alien thinks for a second: “Interesting. Is Maury laid out conveniently in 25 different posts?”. You honestly can’t remember the last time you watched Maury, but you’re pretty sure it wasn’t. “I’ll stick with the article then” the Alien replies, clicking to the next entry.
Maury15. Bested by autocorrect again. “Ugh” exasperates the Adjudicator “this one I can CERTAINLY relate to, we have autocorrect on my planet too.” You perk up, finding some common ground between your two species. “Really? That’s probably the most annoying thing on my phone!” The alien scoffs at you in response. “We have autocorrect inserted directly into our voice boxes, so that our speech can never be wrong. But you’re right, it’s incredibly ducking annoying”.
16. What am I looking at? The Alien stares at this post way too long for you to be comfortable. Slowly, you peak your head over the podium and just like you guessed, it’s looking at entry number 16. “Are they wearing the same…” the Adjudicator meets eyes with your nodding head and then it reels back in disgust, it’s tentacles flipping around violently as if to say: “Ewwww, gross!”. It shakes its head and regains its composure, it’s an intergalactic Adjudicator after all, not some teenager (all the aliens reading replace “teenager” with “martian” to understand this joke). “Some people, YEESH….” the Adjudicator mutters in an exaggerated tone.
elitedaily.com17. No ragrets. “They do realize” the Adjudicator begins, folding its arms and suddenly sounding like a catty prom queen “that their tattoos are going to read “SUMT” and “OLAE” if they ever break up, right?”. It scoffs in approval of its own observation, waiting for your response. You shake your head and apologetically shrug your shoulders “you know, I don’t think they had that planned”. The Adjudicator scoffs again, this time louder and in your face: “It’s a tattoo for crying out loud! Why wouldn’t you put thought into it?!?” You nod your head in approval. This alien is really starting to make you lose faith in your species.
elitedaily.com18. Uh, PDA much? The alien breathes deeply through what you assume is it’s… mouth? Food hole? Second- “I’m going to stop you right there, human. I have a mouth, how else would I eat? The reason I’m sighing is that this is another entry I do not understand. This is how we show affection on MY planet and from what I hear about Earth touching tongues is the ultimate expression of love.” You scratch your head. You were definitely not expecting to be the ambassador for the entire human race today and after seeing these couples you’re not sure you want to be. “On our planet, public displays of affection are considered to be rude and gross. ESPECIALLY ones like that.” The Alien throws it’s claws into the air, exasperated. “I just DO NOT get you humans!”
19. Maynor, why is the gimp not in this picture? He’s part of the family, too! The Alien shows you this post and you cock an eyebrow in response. “Would this not be convenient? If I’m not mistaken, human food is welcome at human weddings”. “For starters,” you reply “you don’t need to clarify everything as ‘human’, there’s a good chance I’ll know what you’re talking about if you just say “wedding” or “food”. Second, having your reception in a grocery store is incredibly trashy.” The Adjudicator stares at you, its eyes narrowed. “So? Who cares? Should convenience not take precedence over what people consider is trashy?” You open your mouth to say something but stop. Maybe this Adjudicator is onto something.
20. Attack on decency. “This one I understand. A giant human man and tiny human woman are doomed from the start because they are incompatible.” The Adjudicator looks at you for approval and you start to say something, but nod instead. No need for this bit to go on any longer than it has to.
21. Peekaboo! “Awww!!!” the Adjudicator squeals, making you jump. “Now THIS is cay-ute!” It turns the phone to you and you painstakingly try to twist your face into a smile. “2 x 2 is 4. 4 x 4 is 16. 16…. PLUS 16 is 32”. The Adjudicator flashes you an annoyed look, then returns to the phone.
22. Thank god it wasn’t 12 minutes. “Omigawd” the Adjudicator is leaning fully back in his chair, browsing the phone with one long claw extended. “This girl is like, totally nuts. Amirite or what?” You stare at the Alien for a long time and then slowly nod. “Like seriously, how could you ever date a chick like that? Sooo totes not cool!” The Adjudicator giggles to itself, then starts to twirl a tentacle in its hand as it stares at the screen. You look around, wondering if this is some sort of elaborate prank show. Nope, no sign of Ashton Kutcher anywhere.
23. Kissin’pox. The Adjudicator, once a proud and intimidating alien figure, now lies on the floor on its stomach with its legs kicking up behind it, staring at your phone. With one of its claws, it swipes from entry to entry, stopping on number twenty-three. Its other claw holds its own phone against what you assume is an ear. “Stacy, holy heck in a handbasket, have YOU SEEN number 23?” it waits for a response, then squees loudly. “I know, I HAVE to try that with my next partner… NO not them, I don’t even like them!” Much to your dismay, the Alien turns to you shyly and studies you. “Okay, maybe a little. Do you know if they have a prom date yet? Mm, I wish they’d cover ME in kisses…:”
24. The ultimate deal breaker. You, believe it or not, are still standing awestruck and confused behind the now valley girl alien Adjudicator. Out of nowhere, it jumps up and slams the phone in your face, practically breaking your nose. You study the picture and manage to stammer out: “Y… Yeah?” the Adjudicator puts its claws on its hips “if you EVER do that to me, we are SO over!”
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