Ha ha! What a story, Mark!
In this wretched hive of scum and villainy know as the internet, there are a lot of things that belong in the comedy cemetery. They fall short of the hilarity line. To be frank: they just aren’t funny. Take the articles written by Jake Bean, for example.
Luckily for YOU, Bestie has provided me with a chance to showcase some of the actually amusing people on the glorious world wide web. I’m sure it would’ve been a refreshing change of pace for my readers if it weren’t for the fact that I still had to write the intro, titles, and blurbs.
Without further self-deprecation, here are 25 Internet People That Are Actually Funny.
1. I know how this ends, I’ve seen I am Legend. No dog! Don’t run into that creepy abandoned building where the tortured moans of the infected come from! Oh god, I can’t go through this emotional torment again! OH GOD, HE’S SINGING BOB MARLEY, SOMEONE PLEASE JUST END IT FOR ME!
2. And there’s the dismount… AND IT’S PERFECT! I don’t see how she wouldn’t win gold after that one! And wow, that introspective look on her own life afterward. I wonder what went through her head as she sat alone on the steps that fateful day?
3. Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping… Ah, the poor machine. Why are visions of a certain 2008 Pixar movie coming to mind all of a sudden? Quick, someone send a sleek, female robot to Mars! And make them endlessly say their names at each other, it’ll be adorable!
4. Sneaky sneaky! What? Parents LIE to their children? Next you’ll be telling me that Santa isn’t real and that the tooth fairy doesn’t actually leave money under my pillow. What’s that? Both of those statements are the truth? Yeah right, and I’m sure I’m not actually able to be a Pokemon trainer when I grow up. Seriously, try to be a little more mature before you step to me, compadre.
5. My mom loves those shows. I’ve got to admit, they’re pretty inspiring. If that couple can afford a beautiful beachfront home in Costa Rica with nothing but a homemaker and busker’s salary, surely I can afford one on MY writer’s salary! And mom, if you’re reading this you’re welcome for the shout out! Can I be ungrounded now?
6. Way to put your foot down, OK Cupid! One has to wonder why typing anything below 18 is even an option. Maybe they want to be known as the place that hooks high school girls up with college-age students with cars. I hear you get boosted to the top of their profiles if you have a face tattoo.
7. It’s always best to ask tall people if they play basketball, trust me they love it. As an incredibly average bodied man (boy? Person? Breathing human? Entity made of carbon and water?) I can confidently say I never get asked if I play basketball. Or any sport, for that matter, besides Slo-Pitch softball. Which as a matter of fact I do.
8. Shirtception. Little does this guy know, every time he makes a new one of those shirts his soul from the previous year gets trapped in a Limbo. Christopher Nolan is making a movie out of the whole situation and trust me, you’re not going to get it. Nobody will in fact, because since Stephen Hawking passed away, no one is smart enough.
9. I’m having a party… A party for two… Inviting nobody… Nobody but myself! The thing that Jamie Madrox, the Multiple Man, knew better than anyone else was how to love himself. As he was setting up for his most recent “adult party” he couldn’t help but admire the buzz of excitement that ran through himself… or himselves.
10. That’s not the only thing he filled it with! He also filled the bag with clothing and found it moderately heavy. Then, he filled it with his laptop and Xbox and found it fairly heavy. Then he carried one of his books that were in his university syllabus and found it impossible to carry.
11. Love hurts, love scars… It’s also great for messing with their Netflix. “What? I never liked these post 90s Adam Sandler movies! No, I don’t want to watch The Week Of!” Take that Charlene, maybe now that your taste in movies is so shot you’ll take me back!
12. I bet that makes Max pretty mad… Poor kitty, all he wants is some love from the library patrons! Or maybe he is just trying to learn something, improve himself so he can escape his economic situation! For every cat we put in a library that’s one less on the streets, joining up with cat gangs and roaming the streets!
13. Alright, I’ll take that challenge! The googled definition of “ravioli” describes it as: “small pasta envelopes containing ground meat, cheese, or vegetables”. Last time I checked, Root Beer, Pumpkin Pie and Blue Raspberry were NOT ground meat, cheese or vegetables. Checkmate, college boy.
14. No I swear! It’s at the corner of Route Totally Real and I’m not Making this up Avenue! It’s in the state of the 52nd state and… Alright fine, I just didn’t want to admit I was unemployed, alright? But I swear once I find a job that conforms to my “ActuallyWentToCollge” degree I’ll be rejoining the workforce, honest!
15. And where Mr. Man is your girlfriend Princess Carolyn? At that moment, a scout from the Golden State Warriors was walking by and saw this absolute specimen of a human being. Not that they needed the help or anything, Steph Curry could shoot from that theatre and would still drain a nasty 3.
16. Insert Wicker Man joke here. Oh, Nicolas Cage, you have affected our lives in so many positive ways! I’m glad you’re out there on the front lines, in public, still making us laugh with your antics. Here’s hoping for that Ghost Rider 3, or heck maybe Disney will make a terri— I mean amazing Netflix series about it!
17. Ha ha! Gotcha there, but seriously sorry about the 25-minute wait but I am going to take some blood from you. If only Vampires were so quirky about their feedings, I’m sure the experience would be a lot more enjoyable! That is, if you’re a fan of puns and having your life drained by a creature from the bowels of heck. Hey, to each their own, I don’t judge. Personally, I hate puns.
18. So instead of grabbing that thing you needed from the drawer, you decide to skip the whole process and burn down your house. You’ll probably get some alright insurance money if you don’t get caught and when you make your new kitchen you can make your drawers deeper!
19. Worst, cosplay, ever. Alternate Comic Book Guy lines for this title were as follows: “And thank YOU Marge, for these pregnancy pants. I have never known comfort like this” and “But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills, you’re from two different worlds! …Oh, I’ve wasted my life.”
20. Dios mio! Wasn’t sure if I was allowed to put this picture in the article, but I figured I could because A) he is in on the joke and B) it was more of a dad joke, so it’s acceptable. Alright folks, welcome to another edition of “let’s see what the editor says!”
21. I knew it! Ha ha! I knew that B.O.B, Tila Tequila and I couldn’t be wrong. Come on guys, let’s go get drinks to celebrate! Oh, that’s okay, you guys go ahead, I’ll catch up. Wait, you forgot to tell me which bar we were going to! Oh well, I’m sure they’ll text me. Any minute now…
22. Times they are a-changin. Not only that, there is an app where you put your trust in total strangers to represent themselves with real pictures, then meet them in public areas for dates. There is a very good chance they’re catfishing you and you’ll end up in the trunk of someone’s car, but it was for LOVE, guys!
23. The worst part is that when Indiana was literally one quick movement away from getting that darn idol… I can just picture it moving across the desert of the American south like something from Welcome to Nightvale… All the while Rawhide plays in the background. “Move ’em on, head ’em up, Head ’em up, move ’em on!”
24. Gee, look at that amazing Eleven cosplay! Seriously, you can hardly spot a difference! Jessica Nigri, move along, there’s a new cosplay queen in town! His next couple cosplays are going to blow us out of the water: the Powerpuff Girls, the female Teen Titans and of course, Madeline.
25. The cast of Soul Plane is rolling in their graves! What’s that? Most of the cast of Soul Plane is still alive? And a lot of them were in Friday and the Boondocks? Wow, I love Friday and the Boondocks, I really gotta see this movie! Oh, and that food looks terrible.
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