“Welcome…” says Charlie “to the first ever meeting of the Conspiracy Club”
You scoff at that. It’s hardly a club, heck it’s not even a group, it’s just you and your friend Charlie. He’s got on this recent kick about conspiracies and evil shadowy organizations controlling everything, and you’re just here so that he stays out of trouble. Charlie lays out 24 pictures out on the table, spreading them around so that you can both see.
“These” he begins “are 24 Things That Just Aren’t Right. We need to find the connection between these things that just aren’t right to find out who’s behind all this”. Great. There goes YOUR afternoon.
1. Penguin. “This one” says Charlie, holding up this picture “is a doozy, but I think I’ve found what’s wrong with it. You see, the reflection of the light indicates a warm to medium heat climate, but the tan on the men’s skin implies they live somewhere with medium to high heat. I believe that our evil overlord is living in somewhere… with medium heat.”
2. No neck. Before you can mention the penguin, Charlie is onto the next picture. “These animals. They’re small, they are SMALL-er than their real-life counterparts. Small, five letters, five is less than six, 666 is the number of the beast! Our evil overlord lives somewhere with 666 in the address.”
3. Lemon. “This one” says Charlie, studying the picture “baffles me. It looks like a worm of some sort, maybe our culprit is some sort of invertebrate”. “I think it’s a lemon” you say, finally getting a word in. Charlie looks at the photo for a moment. “You’re saying our culprit is a fruit?”
4. Bump. “No Charlie” you say, sighing “fruits can conspire”. Charlie slams his fist down on the table, causing a picture, this picture, to fly gracefully upwards. He snatches it out of the air, then stares at it in horror. “THE WALLS!” he screams “THEY’RE LISTENING THROUGH THE WALLS!”
5. Pop-Tart breakfast sandwich. Well, you’d stop him, but you don’t want to end up like his walls. Instead, you go to the kitchen to make yourself a snack, but all Charlie has in his cupboards are pop-tarts. “They’re the only thing that can survive alien radiation!” his words ring in your head as you dejectedly close the cupboards.
6. Pokemon. You come back into the CCHQ to find Charlie is still smashing his walls. “Listen, I’m going to order pizza, do you-” “WHAT IF THEY’RE TRYING TO CATCH US, MAN? CATCH US ALL, THEY GOTTA! THEY GOTTA CATCH US ALL OR WE’LL RISE UP!” Clearly Charlie isn’t into pizza right now.
7. Wacky field. As you wait for the pizza, Charlie comes barreling around the corner covered in drywall. “The world man, it’s so distorted and crazy, what if it’s actually not flat? What if the government was lying about the flat earth this whole time?” Oh, of course he’s a flat-earther. By of course I, of course, mean of course he’s one, because the earth is obviously flat.
8. Elephant. “They’re feeding the elephants booze, man” says Charlie, rocking back and forth on the ground. You know, you’re just beginning to regret this. “Why would they do that, Charlie”. Charlie shoots a look at you like the answer is obvious. “Elephants never forget man. Not unless they’re drunk”.
9. Crayfish. Charlie is on his side now in the fetal position, mumbling things to himself. You manage to hear him say: “All the fish are crayons, dude” and “my burrito is trying to kill me, man.” Burrito, huh? Weird.
10. Food Sniper. After a couple minutes of watching poor Charlie rock, you decide maybe you should help your old friend. You sigh and stand, but suddenly the doorbell rings. “Ooh!” you say out loud “must be the pizza!”. As you step towards the door, Charlie sees you and tries to yell out: “NO!” but it’s too late.
11. King Cat. BOOSH! The door flies open and two huge burly men are upon you and Charlie in seconds. You struggle against their grip, but they’re too strong. From a smokescreen of dust, comes… A cat with a crown?
12. Take the stairs. “KING CAT!” yells Charlie “I should’ve known it was you behind this!”. King Cat purrs, pleased with itself. “Meow, meow, meow meow meow” it says nonchalantly. “You fiend!” says Charlie “I was at that bottom step for weeks because of you!”
13. Long John Silver Shoe. “What’s going on?” you blurt out confused. Charlie shoots a look of contempt at you: “Have you not been listening to a WORD I said? God you’re as stubborn as an 8-foot long horse”. “What, you mean those INSANE ramblings?” you scream at your friend, although you’re not sure how long you want to be friends after this.
14. Sweet bike! “MEOW” screams King Cat, stopping your argument “Meow meow meow meow”. Charlie’s face drops. “What?” you ask “he says… he’s taking over the article!”. “NO!” you scream “YOU FIEND!” but it’s too late. King cat has wrestled control of this Bestie article.
15. Meow meow. Meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow. “Meow meow” meow meow, meow meow. “Meow meow meow meow” meow meow “meow meow meow meow!””. Meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow.
16. Meow, meow meow! Meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow, mew purr fft. “HISS! HSSS! HSSS! MRRRRRRROOOOWWW” FFFFTTTT! RRRR….. Meow, mewl, purr. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrr, purrrrrrrrrrr, purrrrrrrr….
17. I bury those cockroaches! Alright, apparently King Cat is too dumb to notice that when one of his two henchmen is petting him, the henchman in question is no longer holding you. Suddenly, you’re free and you need to think of a plan. No pressure or anything!
18. Under where? Frantically, you search around the room for something that would distract a cat. Eventually, you see what you think is the tool for your survival, but you’re not sure. Slowly, you start to creep your way towards the table in question, careful not to disturb the purring kitty.
19. Denim? I hardly know ‘im! You’re so close, just an inch away. You slowly turn your head back to King Cat, the two henchmen and Charlie, who is begging you to grab the tool with his eyes. You reach over to grab it and… CREEEEAK! Ooh, darn those terrible floorboards of yours!
20. The new CoD weapons are getting ridiculous. “MROOWWW!!” King Cat cries out and just as quickly as before, the two henchmen are on you, grabbing you by the arms. King Cat strolls over to you and grabs your sacred tool- a laser pointer. “Meow, meow meow meow?” King Cat muses, taunting you. “You’ll never get away with this, King Cat!” you cry out.
21. Death, death, devil devil devil devil evil evil evil evil songs. “Mrow… meow meow meow! MEOWMEOWMEOWMEOW!” King Cat laughs evilly as the henchmen drag you downstairs to the furnace. “Meow meow meow… MEEEOW!” yells King Cat from behind them and the henchmen open up the furnace, exposing the flame. Wow uh, that escalated quickly.
22. There’s a baby in there too. Well, I guess this is how it all ends. I guess life wasn’t so bad, huh? You had Flipper! And hey, you met that alien! And you went to Costco, too! You’re looking back on your great life as the flames grow closer and closer to your head. Wait a minute, didn’t you get your BRAIN wiped or something?
23. The armies of Mordor. BOOSH! The henchmen, King Cat and because they’re holding you yourself all spin around to see Charlie, riding a donkey with a bulldog in his lap. “That’s quite enough of THAT, Kind Cat!” he yells triumphantly. Your friendship with Charlie is DEFINITELY going to grow after today.
24. Ivory and Orangey. “MEOW????” bellows King Cat, as loudly as his Kitty lungs and voicebox will allow him. “Yes King Cat, you may be the owner of EA Games and all-powerful, but I know your GREATEST secret!” with that, Charlie holds up the bulldog “you’ve been having an affair… WITH WINSLET!”. King Cat falls to his knees “MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWwwwwww….”
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