Woah, cool! An article about thrift stores, garage sales, and flea markets? I’m contractually obliged to say I LOVE thrift stores, garage sales, and flea markets! In fact, let’s do some REAL, in the field journalism today. I’m going to go through all the thrift stores, garage sales and flea markets in my are to see what I can find!
Alright, I’m back. Turns out, thrift stores, garage sales, and flea markets don’t have cool stuff at all! It’s just a bunch of dusty old junk!
Don’t worry though, there are some diamonds in the rough hidden away in some caves of wonders, so let’s explore luckier (and possibly more patient) people’s finds in 25 People Who Found The Best Things In Thrift Stores, Flea Markets And Garage Sales.
1. These cat pillows that allowed the buyer to pretend they owned cats. Wow, neat! Now you won’t just look like a crazy cat person, you’ll look like a REALLY crazy cat person! Extra points if you speak in gibberish and toss your cat pillows at people!
2. Apparently, this here is a Wurlitzer organ they bought for 0.50$! Hey, cool! I’m not sure if a Wurlitzer organ is expensive or whether or not $0.50 was a good price, but the name is two letters away from the guys who told me to stop calling! Apparently, these articles don’t count as “journalism”.
3. Wait a minute… the practice of mounting heads on walls wasn’t around in dinosaur times! I call shenanigans! Then again, it would probably shut up that one hunter friend you have. Just in case you don’t, he’s the guy who shot a deer once and won’t stop telling the story and it gets to the point where even YOU have it memorized. “So there I was, sitting by the pine tree…”
4. How I wish… How I wish I had that vinyl… For those of you that didn’t immediately recognize the record, it’s Pink Floyd’s “How I wish you were here”. Not only that, but it was in its original plastic wrap too… I think the best thing I’ve ever found is a big picture of Brett Favre.
5. The first of two wedding dresses bought at the thrift store. Listen, believe it or not, I’m no woman. I know, I know, my manliness emanates so much from these articles you couldn’t believe for a second that I was anything but a strong, red-blooded man… (continued in part 2)
6. Yess…. Master wants to shower with us! One day I think I’ll populate my house with strictly cardboard cutouts, then maybe I could pretend I had friends for a second. Then again in this economy, I’ll probably never own a house.
7. Here comes the money! WHAT? The people at the thrift store don’t check wallets before selling them? Are you kidding me? I gotta go back! (Jake squeals off into the street. Several minutes later, he comes squealing back into the driveway). What a ripoff! It was still just dusty old junk!
8. That ring is made of 24K Magic. Alright, Bruno Mars songs aside, apparently, this ring is 10K gold, diamond and emerald. What did the poster buy it for, you ask? A dollar. What? There are gold rings at the thrift store? I need to go bac–
9. Oooh baby, this just makes my mouth water! These cameras were all in perfect condition and for each the price was under $20. What, there are… I’m just kidding, that bit was dead two tries ago. Moving on!
10. Speaking of mouthwatering… Really? Whenever I go to the thrift store for Halloween purposes there’s always like one clown afro and half a child’s Elsa outfit. And I really can’t keep going as Clown Elsa for Halloween, half of the reference is like 5 years old!
11. Illuminati cufflinks? No, wait, what? Oh, I kind of see it, I guess if you really squint it looks like a pyramid. You know, title writing me, you’re one weird guy. Anyways, they’re apparently Apollo 11 cufflinks, the same ones that are on display at the Smithsonian. Quick, Nic Cage, steal them away for me!
12. Kneel before your god, mortals. Yes, the poster hilariously called his thrift store buy a “cat throne”. Then again, isn’t anywhere a cat sits technically in its own mind its throne? Your chair, your face, your computer while you’re trying to type, etc.
13. Looks like she’s going out with Alex and his droogs! Jeez Louise, violence in schools is really on the rise! Kids are carrying around concealed blades to school, back in my day if you wanted to stab someone you’d have to do it with a regular, out in the open, blade!
14. There’s a night in the museum joke in here somewhere, but I can’t remember the line… Quick! Nicolas Cage! Steal me a copy of that movie from the Smithsonian so I can remember it. Oh, and new idea for a crossover, the two greatest movie franchises of our time– National Treasure meets Night at the Museum. Alright, Hollywood, no stealing that, alright? You promise?
15. Ah yes, Waking Seven. I love their hit songs “Never heard” and “Of them”. It’s off their album Obscurity. If you like me were wondering what this picture was about, that was the poster’s old band (the name on the T-shirt). Then, a couple years later, he found the shirt at a thrift store. Wow, that’s got to be the worst 15 minutes of fame story I’ve ever heard and mine came when I got my picture in the newspaper. I was five and I was crying… Okay, maybe mine’s a little worse.
16. Ah oui monsieur, c’est tres magnifique cet pièce d’art ici. Woah, this guy got all that stuff for $20? My sister is quite the artiste, maybe I should go snooping around the thrift store again…. No, wait. I’ve learned my lesson 3 times already. Don’t get fooled again.
17. A brief history of time? How can you summarize time briefly? And who was this… Steve Hawking guy? I dunno, this doesn’t seem like that good of a buy to me. What kind of GENIUS would name a book a brief history of time! Must’ve been a real dunce, that Steve guy! Uh-oh, Jake said something offensive sarcastically about a recently deceased genius (who will be missed dearly). However, looks like we’ll be playing our favorite game: let’s see what the editor says! A brief recap of the last couple rounds: so far, I’ve had no response about my potentially off-color jokes. (The editor would like to add that she’s very fond of Jake in spite of him being an airhead who doesn’t know about 90% of pop culture due to, you know, the multiple memory wipes he’s had to endure at the hands of Russian spies.)
18. Can’t use those twos anymore no sir. Oh, I miss the days of the simpler Canadian money. Sure, it was still colorful and reminded you of something from Monopoly, but at least we didn’t toss on to the back every Canadian who’s ever existed.
19. Oh that’s just inappropriate. Billy, I thought we talked about this. Not only is your collection weird, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal too. How do you even get the cats to pose like that? You know what, I don’t want to know. Get it out of here or you’re out of my house.
20. I’m gonna take ya ta prom, see? Let’s hope they just enjoyed the fun, idealized part of the 20s. You know, the booze, the fun, the dancing, the jazz, the lavish Gatsby-esque parties. Not, you know, the depression, the poverty, the suicide, the lack of modern medicine, the anti-semitism, etc, etc. That would make for one lame prom!
21. Jesus lord that’s creepy. I could just picture it– dead of night, middle of the woods, some little girl is singing some far off song consisting of only the word “La” to the tune of “One two, buckle my shoe”. You knock on the door and who’s inside? My god, it’s Shia LaBeouf!
22. Oh I see, had me confused for a second there. Not me, I got that it was an ostrich right off the bat. You know me who writes titles, you can be a little slow sometimes. Speaking of which, I just found out the other day ostriches don’t actually do that! My god, my whole worldview is shattered!
23. Why would you sell your self-portrait to a thrift store only to go back and buy it? Because that’s obviously what happened here. I know there are those of us who would like to believe it’s a magical coincidence, but you know what they say: “never trust anything you read on the internet. Even things that are true on the internet are lies.” Or wait, was that Fox News? (Hold on, my jokes need to be bipartisan, so if you’re a conservative replace “Fox News” with your liberal media outlet of choice. Shouldn’t be hard, there’s about 10,000 of them).
24. The second of two wedding dresses bought at the thrift store. (continued from part 1) but I figured a woman would want to own her wedding dress, considering the sentimental value it might hold? Eh, who am I kidding, if I ever find someone lobotomized enough to marry me I probably won’t keep the suit. As my ol’ grandpappy used to say about my girlfriends: those are your future ex-wives, buddy!
25. He was probably toasted when he signed that autograph. I believe it was Ernest Hemingway who said write drunk, edit… er… no, it was “write drunk, write…” no, hold on… give me another beer, that’ll help me remember!
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