From Pokemon cards to spaghetti strap tank tops, there have been a lot of things banned from schools. Sometimes they’re justifiable, most based on the pretense that a child’s mind may be distracted by such things. I know, right?
A child preferring colorful cards over SCHOOL? Ridiculous! All jokes aside, the bans you are about to read about are unwarranted, strange and sometimes just flat out dumb.
These are the 24 Absurd Things Schools Have Actually Banned.
1. The Word “Meep”. Back in 2009, Danvers High School in Massachusetts banned the word “meep.” Students caught using or displaying the word in any way could get a suspension. I can just picture one of the parents of these students: “How dare the school board think they can ban free speech, this is an outrage! I have a couple of choice words for that Principal of yours myself! Before I go in, what was the word again? Meep? They banned… meep? Huh.” Strange times we live in, folks.
2. Uggs. A Pennsylvania high school banned the footwear for some contrived reason. And like their neighbors down under, the Pennsylvania school board failed to recognize that when you say you can’t have something to a teenager, they just want it more. Truly a thorough understanding of young adults.
3. Milk. Alright, alright, before we start the angry mob I have to establish that Milk isn’t actually banned…yet. But certain groups, like the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine based in D.C., have tried to ban it for the obviously evident reason that it’s harmful to bone development. Try telling that to Mr. T.
4. Holding Hands. Certain schools, like Coghlan Fundamental Elementary School in B.C. in 2013, have banned all types of touching including hand-holding. I wholeheartedly agree with this one! I mean, one moment you’re holding hands and the next you’re an unwed teenage parent with no job living at home! As the preacher from Dewey Cox so finely put it: “You know who’s got hands? The devil! And he uses them for holding!”
5. Dictionaries. One of the most important tools any school could ask for was yanked from schools in Menifee Union School District, all because of one student’s reaction to the definition of “oral sex”. Wow, this is really… um… wait, what’s the word? Ugh, if only I had a way to look it up, like if maybe there was a big collection of them somewhere… Oh yeah, that’s right! The Internet!
6. Games. A school in southeastern Connecticut is banning classic games like dodgeball, tag, football, and soccer on the grounds that they are (please read the following in a mocking, juvenile tone)“too competitive”.
7. Red Ink. Quick, think of your days in school! Remember the scariest, most intimidating part about it? It was the red ink your teachers used, right? No? Oh, don’t tell that to the school boards in the U.K. and Australia.
8. Best Friends. Whether it’s your spouse, your buddy from elementary school or just your cute lil pup, schools in the UK want to rip that person away and ban you from calling them your “best friend”.
9. Dinosaurs. We’ve danced the “what was the scariest part of school” jig, but now we must waltz with the question: “what was the coolest thing during your childhood?” Name multiple, go ahead. I’ll wait. Did any of your answers include: dinosaurs, Halloween or your birthday? Sorry champ, but if you’re a New York student then you wouldn’t be able to reference any of those at school.
10. Balls. Way to go Toronto, you’ve protected kids from the evil of balls. Alright, competitive games are out, balls, in general, are out, so what are kids supposed to play? Read a book? I tried that game once but hated it cause you couldn’t win and there weren’t any bouncing spheres involved.
11. Hugging. Canada again! And so much for being loveable and caring, because a school in Brampton, Ontario tried to ban hugging! “No shoving, no loving” is something you’d think to hear from a grizzled prison guard, not a Canadian school board. Lights out at 11, kids.
12. Triangle flapjacks. Try to follow the logic here folks— this UK school banned triangle flapjacks because a kid got hit in the eye by one of the point corners when one was thrown. Sound decision , right? Now here’s the punchline, they’re replacing them with SQUARE or RECTANGLE flapjacks… I see no issues with that!
13. Baby Bumps. While you personally may or may not be divided on whether two senior girls’ baby bump pictures should have gone in the yearbook or not, the Michigan school they attended wasn’t. Come on guys, they have to go through childbirth and THEN at least 18 years of raising the kid, give them a break.
14. Ketchup. That’s right, schools in France have been banning the condiment use on all lunches…with one exception. In French, they’re known as “frites” but we know them as “french fries”. I sense some bias here.
15. Raising Hands. It’s being called gimmicky, a lack of respect and most of all strange but it’s exactly what a school in the UK did. As a kid who wasn’t a fan of answering questions (primarily because I didn’t know the answer), I have no qualms with this ban.
16. The American Flag. What’s that? You have patriotism? A deep seeded love of one’s nation? A desire to see those glorious stars and stripes cascading behind one’s truck gorgeously in the wind? Not at this South Carolina school you don’t, buddy!
17. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. If you have ever eaten a bag of these fiery little devils only to have them revisit you the next morning, maybe you’ll understand why this Chicago school decide to ban the steaming hot treat. If as an adult they destroy your insides I couldn’t imagine the effect it would have on a kid.
18. Peyton Manning Jerseys. Surprisingly, this ban didn’t come from a New England school but in fact one in Colorado, where the man should be hailed as a king! Apparently, they meant no offense to the retired Quarterback, but it was because the number “18” was associated with a local gang. At least he still has Nationwide!
19. Man Buns. This one is pretty extreme considering it comes from a COLLEGE, where adults are supposed to be. Riddle me this, Idaho college, how am I supposed to complete my Leonardo DiCaprio cosplay without a man bun? What’s that? I’m way too fat to cosplay Leo DiCaprio? Can’t really argue with that.
20. Chapstick. Yeah, according to this Virginia school lip balm is a “gateway drug”. “Nice try little Billy but I know what you’re trying to do. You SAY that your lips are drying out in the hot Virginia sun, but you really just want your fix, don’t you? Filthy addict, get some help! You’re breaking your poor mother’s heart!”
21. Facebook. So the teachers at this all-girls school in Brooklyn banned Facebook. That’s fine, understandable even, don’t want the girls using Facebook when they should be learning. The kicker on this one is that they ALSO banned it OUTSIDE of school. Jeez, seems a little Big Brotherish doesn’t it?
22. Wearing anything with the American Flag. A school in California banned their students from wearing the American flag. Now, before we rev up our patriot trucks and start an angry mob, there are two caveats for this one: it’s only on Cinco de Mayo and it’s only so that the various Mexican and Caucasian gangs in the area don’t clash. Still, banning patriotism is NEVER a good thing.
23. Father’s Day Cards. Looks like dad is the one who really gets short-changed here because the one day he’s supposed to be appreciated as a dad is being stolen by Scottish schools. They say it’s to make kids who don’t have a dad feel better but does anyone really think an absence of cards is going to make up for their lack of a fatherly figure?
24. Leggings. Schools in Massachusetts have put yet another ban on what girls can wear. Can we just get a list of things girls ARE allowed to wear to school? Burqas and chastity belts, I presume. BUT ONLY if the chains keeping the belts together are wider than two fingers. We have standards to uphold, after all.
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