Crikey! Hi, I’m Jack Durango and welcome to Jack Durango’s Wildabango!
As you all know, I am Australia’s absolute worst wildlife expert.
Fortunately for Bestie, that means I’m affordable! So join me today as I take you through some of the wildest things that you might not see every day.
This is 25 Astonishing Things That Have Happened On This Planet!
1. Lightning over a volcano eruption in Chile. I’d like to start with this picture of smoke and ash erupting from a volcano in Chile. Which volcano, you ask? I DID say I was Australia’s WORST wildlife expert, didn’t I? Anyways, this ash and smoke are so bloody ripped it creates its own lightning! How does it create lightning, you ask? Please read the previous sentence.
2. A baby swordfish. Right, so this little guy right here looks like something terrifying you’d find at the bottom of the sea, or a crayfish or a yabby or something, but it’s actually a baby swordfish! These guys can grow up to 20ft in size and actually learn swordplay by the age of 5!
3. The Golden Pheasant looks like a real-life Phoenix. Crikey! Here I thought that phoenixes were the stuff of legend, but there is one right before my very own eyes! Quick! Somebody kill it and see if it rises from its own ashes!
4. Iceland’s Elephant mountain. Never before have I seen a mountain that looks like an elephant, so I can assume that this WAS an actual elephant before it was covered in volcanic ash or concrete or something. Notice how he kind of looks a bit depressed? You would too if you were about to be frozen by concrete!
5. This herd of narwhals, captured by Paul Nicklen. A group of narwhals is seldom seen in nature, because narwhals can be very catty and often cliquish. We can assume that these narwhals are the popular crew, because their horns are so polished and if you look hard enough you can see the BMW one of them got for their sweet sixteen.
6. Looks like they brought Tommy Chong to Alcatraz. This cloud formation actually is caused by a phenomenon in nature called: “vapers”. There are some people who inhale flavored vapor filled with nicotine and when enough people in one area start to vape together it can cause an odd cloud formation. Which, if you spin your fingers around it, you can sometimes create a cool tornado.
7. An armadillo girdled lizard (Cordylus cataphractus). As they say, imitation is the best form of flattery, so armadillos should be pretty flattered by this lizard’s behavior. Just don’t be too creepy about it lizards, no need to get a body pillow or anything.
8. An octopus riding a sea turtle. In nature, creatures will often work together to get places if need be. For example, as I was observing the great wildebeest of Djibouti I noticed that occasionally they would carpool to work to save gas money. Also, they could use the carpool lane on the highway to avoid traffic.
9. Say “don’t eat me!” This tiger’s modeling career looks like it’s off to a promising start, but little does he know he’s about to be beaten out by a baby for a Nirvana cover. Knowing tigers the way I do, this will cause him to go into a deep depression, drinking profusely and blowing off those who once loved him. It’s a shame, but that’s Hollywood for you.
10. Walking in a Finnish winter wonderland. Where I grew up, Riverdrew, there was no such thing as winter. Only scorching hot January’s and bleeding cold 7-degree Junes. What’s that? You thought June was summer and January was winter? It’s all backwards down under, mate!
11. You tryin’ to pick up my bird, mate? This is a common thing to happen in nature. The stronger, more virile and probably richer male will always get the girl over the scragglier and weaker ones. Notice how the eagle’s face is unphased and the seagull in its talon is seemingly saying to its ex: “Leave me alone! You’re RUINING this for me!”
12. The very hungry pack of birds (not a catterpillar). This may look like a caterpillar at first glance dear viewer, but if you were literate enough to get this far in the article then you probably read the title.
13. Listen, I LITERALLY can not drink tea without this stuff. Can’t you guys take one for the team? Aren’t you all dying out anyways? This hawk is actually trying to get this for his girlfriend, who seems to be in a mood today. Why do you think he’d rather go out and face a hoard of bees than be at home with her?
14. Sperm whales sleeping vertically. Believe it or not, this is how whales vote on things. Oh and believe it or not, whales have developed democracy as well. Anyways, judging based on the color of the water, the perceived temperature and the exact angle the whales are facing, I can determine they’re voting to… repeal Net Neutrality??? Why whales, why??? Who paid you off? Was it Comcast?
15. This strange-looking tree called a Madrone (also known as an Arbutus). This tree formation is quite stunning to say the least and it occurs in nature when a tree comes home from Art School. It also spends a lot of it’s time on social media, has a bleeding heart and can’t find a job. Gee, I’m sure glad I didn’t blow $8,000 on an art degree like in television or writing or something like that!
16. Spawn of Gojira. This iguana from the depths of the sea is actually just a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Chandra, on that trip we took to Bora Bora together. That’s the last time I spend MY bloody travel points on a woman! (Chandra if you’re reading this, please take me back. I can’t do this show anymore it’s bleeding me dry!)
17. Quand tu me prends dans tes bras… Right sorry folks, had to have a good cry and now I’m back. This here is a street in Berlin, where beautiful flowers cover the skies, leaving a loving, calm lane of rose romance. Which is weird, because the words “romance” and “Berlin” haven’t gone together in a very long time.
18. These mountain goats in action. Crikey! These bloody goats are true blue legends, I mean it! I think all their muscle comes from the fact they do CrossFit, which I really need to get into. But who has the time, I mean I’m so busy with the show and when I’m not doing that I’m begging Chandra to take me back, it’s all just one big bloody mess.
19. A PAcific storm from 37,000 feet above the ocean. Ah yes, the work of Lord Xenu right before the events of Incident II. I can’t believe they were able to recover a photo from 75 million years ago, but then again I’m sure if the Teegeeack had DC-8-like spacecraft, they would also have color photography. Anyways, it’s inspiring to see that my leader L. Ron Hubbard was RIGHT! Take that South Park!
20. Giant African Land Snail. This giant boy looks like something that escaped from the Chernobyl blast site. Other things that probably escaped Chernobyl include giant butterflies, giant wolves, giant bears and Yakov Smirnoff.
21. Two-legged Mexican Mole Lizard. This gross little thing likes to dwell in dark, dank areas. Mostly, in your bed when you’re asleep, in the toilet whenever you sit down without looking and you know when you close your eyes in the shower to wash your hair? It’s usually behind you when you do that. Just kidding!
22. Well thank god for those SPIDERS, we can protect ourselves from the pink, armed monstrosities. You call that a bloody spider? THIS is a spider! Oh right, I’m in text form… Right, what I’m trying to say is that snake-killing spiders are no big deal down under. Come to me when you see a 20ft saltwater croc hanging by a thread of spider’s silk and THEN we’ll talk.
23. I would’ve called him black mold but I don’t want to hurt my home’s resale value. Let me remind my readers that the wall dwelling cat of New Hampshire is NOT a pet and should only be handled by true professionals. Sure, it may seem cute now but really look into it’s eyes. It has a killer instinct, for certain.
24. This man’s girlfriend caught a pickpocket in action. This entry doesn’t have anything to do with animals, but in my hometown of Riverdrew pickpockets have become a real bloody problem. One time I came home and my ex-girlfriend, Chandra, was all like: “where are your bloody pants, you stupid idiot?” That’s right! They lifted my bloody pants right from me!
25. Alfred Hitchcock was right! Finally, we end with a picture of the vicious birds of Piazza San Marco, Venice. Don’t feed bread to these cheeky little gits, as it is against their crazy religion and they will probably either sue or attack you. Better to leave them alone and let them capture our dumber celebrities. Well, that’s it for Jack Durango’s Wildabango today and have yourself a wild time, mate!
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