So you’ve decided to dump them, huh? Wow, that’s a tough decision to make, but if it’s gotten that bad I can’t blame you. That sucks, it really does. Go ahead, let it all out. That’s it. Yeah, good Reader.
Alright, that’s enough. Seriously, cut it out, it’s getting pathetic. I MEAN, no, not pathetic, um, HEY, why don’t we try getting through this together? I can teach you how to do it RIGHT! Don’t worry, if there are two things Jake Bean is good at, it’s losing people who once loved me and writing… Okay fine, just losing people who once loved me then. Now you’re going to make ME cry! We should probably get some help with this, considering how fragile we BOTH now are, so we’ll consult some experts throughout.
This is 24 Things To Avoid When You Break Up With Someone.
1. Never forget about the practical stuff. So you’re probably going through some complex emotions at the moment, but for now, we need to get serious. Does your significant other know any of your passwords? Do they have a key to your house? Do they have those precious Avril Lavigne CDs you stole from your sister in 2001? Make a plan to recover those things and go through with it, says expert Toni Coleman. How else are you supposed to listen to complicated once you’re single?
pexels.com2. Don’t try to punish your ex-partner. This is the time for REVENGE! Beat them down, make them feel small, crush their puny existence! Right, expert Toni Coleman? What’s that? Putting them down will just hurt you more and make you feel terrible? Oh. Maybe this breakup is a dish best served warm, then.
3. Don’t even think about getting back together with them for several weeks. Remember that way they use to tickle your ears? The warmth of their body sleeping beside you at night? The slow rise and fall of their chest, your arm wrapped tightly around them so that no one in the world can hurt them? Ditch those pleasant thoughts, you’re bitter and single now! According to our trusty expert Toni Coleman: “When folks bounce back and forth, in and out of relationships, it is usually a sign that they don’t want to be in the relationship but have wrong reasons for remaining. For instance, they might have a fear of being alone or a fear of loneliness”. So yeah.
pexels.com4. Don’t justify your feelings. So resident experts from fashionbeans.com, what do YOU have to say about justifying your feelings? Don’t? Yeah, that’s right! They’re YOUR feelings, you don’t have to justify them! Just look at the alt-right! They have terrible, horrific, despicable feelings and they hardly EVER justify them!
5. Don’t worry about mutual friends. The experts over at fashionbeans.com tell us that friends should be a non-factor in breakups. Your souring feelings are more important than who they choose in the eventual split! Plus, they’ll probably pick you ANYWAYS. You’re great!
6. Don’t call or text your ex. Take it away, Coleman! “[Your ex] may see it as a sign you are unsure and you want to try again. You just need time and space, but you’ll eventually return”. Thanks, Coleman. Now take it away, Dua Lipa: Don’t pick up the phone, you know he’s only calling cause he’s (omitted) and alone, (etc, etc) and if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him! igotnewrulesicountem.
7. Don’t lead them on. Boom. Cut to the point. No “I need some space” or “I just need some time” just take the dagger and smash it through their chest. Kind of harsh, I know. Hey, these are the terribly paraphrased words of the experts at fashionbeans.com, not mine. Well, kind of mine. Pretty much entirely, except for the smart stuff.
8. Don’t immediately start a new long-term relationship. Relationship expert Tanisha Ranger was consulted for this entry: “The time after a breakup is a magical one,” says Ranger. “You are able to take your own inventory, realize where you were wrong, and figure out how you intend to do things differently in order to have a different outcome in the future.” While I’m sure it’s tempting to feel loved again, try to avoid it. Play the field a little! You’re newly single!
9. Don’t stalk them on social media. In fact, according to Lisa Steadman, another relationship expert, you should completely purge them from your social media circle. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, Club Penguin, all of these should no longer feature your ex. No matter HOW nice those pictures from Cuba are.
10. Don’t ask mutual friends about them. Okay, so you’ve decided on split custody for your friends, just make sure you don’t ask them about your ex. Good ol’ Steadman says not to obsess over what your ex is doing, focus on yourself! Your beautiful, sexy, smart, talented and well-loved self.
11. Don’t compare yourself to their new beau. CLEARLY, your dumb ex didn’t read this article, cause they’re ALREADY in a new relationship! The people at www.redbookmag.com tell us not to go comparing ourselves to whoever your ex chooses after you! No matter how much hotter, skinnier, smarter and more loved they are than you!
12. Don’t wallow. HEY! Remember when I said to stop crying! Well, STOP! Wendy Newman (a, what else, plumbing expert) (sarcasm) says you should cry and eat ice cream for FOUR DAYS, tops. So get out from under that blanket, darn it! (please disregard that last message if it has been under four days).
13. Take care of yourself! Alright, so you’re done your wallowing so now it’s time to get your life back on track. The geniuses at www.redbookmag.com tell us the best thing we can do during breakup depression is work out, cook a healthy meal, beat that one level on Club Penguin, whatever. The sense of accomplishment will remind you that you’re just FINE on your own!
14. Let yourself feel. Yes, I know I just said don’t wallow in it, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel the pain you’re going through! Our trusty friend Steadman tells us that “you can’t shortcut the healing process” and to maybe talk to a couple close friends or family members about it. Don’t have friends and family? Probably shouldn’t have dumped your partner then.
15. Don’t immediately try to be friends. Kidding! That last sentence of that previous entry was obviously a joke! Where’s that smile? There it is! Right, moving on. According to Newman, she tells us to give yourselves space at first. You both need to: “fully separate and move past the pain of the split” and only recommends reconnecting when you’re both in a better place.
pexels.com16. Don’t let it get in the way of your work! You’re a career person! You’re the best at what you do! Don’t let that stinky ex of yours mess that up! According to www.redbookmag.com, you should talk to a trusted supervisor if it’s affecting you that much. If you’re comfortable with that, at least.
17. Don’t ruin your social life! www.redbookmag.com once again tells us not to let a break up stop you from being the social butterfly you are! Friends can be extremely helpful in the time after a break-up. That is unless you just dumped Eric Cartman, in which case they can be terrible.
18. Don’t be kissin’ em! Redbookmag.com, will your excellent advice never cease? Apparently, “getting together ;)” with your ex can be very detrimental to the healing process. I don’t want to be a jerk here, but duh. Dua Lupa, can you bring me back to that last chorus, please?
19. Don’t keep their crud! By “crud” I mean their sweaters, jeans, presents they gave you on Club Penguin, etc, etc. According to, who else, redbookmag.com, keeping that old piece of clothing just reminds you of them. Throw it onto the lawn and burn it in a pyre! Or you know, just put it in the garbage, you spaz.
20. Don’t go back to “that spot”. Says redbookmag.com. You know “that spot”. The place where you had your first kiss, the place you two use to visit, your ex’s apartment. DEFINITELY don’t go to that last one, have you even been paying attention?
21. Don’t listen to “that song”. Once again, redbookmag.com tells us NOT to remind ourselves of the relationship we just destroyed- er, I mean broke off. That means no “Our Song” by T-Swift. Oh, stop it! I don’t CARE if you think she’s untalented, she’s a NATIONAL TREASURE and I will not have that HEARSAY in my article!
22. Don’t get a tattoo. This goes for most drastic changes, say the experts at…eHarmony? They’re the reason I’m in this situation in the FIRST PLACE! Darn eHarmony, always trying to help me find wretched LOVE.
pexels.com23. Beg Your Ex For A Return. So this one comes from the love experts at vkool.com and it’s almost a no-brainer. Plus, do you really want to go crawling back to them after what they did to you? After how they made you FEEL? After they MADE YOU read this article? I think that last one was the worst offense of all.
24. Don’t read old texts/listen to old messages. This should be included in don’t wallow, but the people at vkool.com want this point hammered in. Don’t go on your phone and read all the really nice, sweet things they sent you, just delete the messages and tell those things to YOURSELF. Or if that’s too hard, then ask your mom!
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