The bright morning sun stings your sleepy eyes as it bestows a rude awakening. You go downstairs: no food. “That’s fine,” you think “eating is overrated.” You go and try your Xbox, but alas your controller has no power. “Alright,” you think “I don’t have to play video games, they rot your mind anyway!” That’s when you start to realize that your house, the place you call home, has become a dark, empty void.
The space around you seems so vast and endless, your mind is slipping into madness from the sheer lack of anything! “This isn’t the time to panic,” an authoritative voice in your head reassures you, “there are places we can buy things.” That’s right! You live in America! Land of the free, home of the brave, place where there are places to purchase goods! For a moment things don’t seem so bleak until something dawns on you: you’re going to have to do this next week. And the week after that, and the week after that… you might have to do this for the rest of your life!
You start to panic again and that voice comes rushing back: “HEY! Snap out of it!” you slap yourself in the face, listening intently. “Worry not, me,” the voice says slowly, “we have a place in this beautiful country of ours where we can buy things… IN BULK.” Then, like a chorus from heaven, light cuts through the darkness and the vision of a logo appears gleaming in your eyes: COSTCO.
Costco has blessed us with great deals on bulk items since 1976 when it was called price club and no amount of prayer, tribute or human sacrifice can repay the debt we owe to Costco. Your mind graces over this fact as you step into the brightly lit warehouse, flashing your membership card like it ain’t no thang, grabbing a cart and staring into the awe-inspiring beauty that is this retail chain. You take out your phone and pull up this list: it’s time.
These Are The 24 Items That You Should Always Buy At Costco.
1. Maple Syrup. This sweet treat from the great white north comes in at 33 cents per ounce at Costco! The next best price is 56 cents at Wal-Mart and that’s for processed maple syrup, while at Costco it’s sugary organic gorgeousness.
2. Batteries. You remember your Xbox controller and groan. Darn it Microsoft! Why did your default controllers have to be battery-powered? What is this, 2006? But then you see it: Costco carries a package of 72. That’s 36 times you only have to walk from your chair to your batteries (unless you keep your batteries IN your chair, in which case hello, how’s the year 3018?) instead of driving your car all the way to the store. The next best price for batteries is 0.40 cents a battery for Duracell, whereas good old Kirkland sells the suckers for 0.28 cents apiece.
2. Johnny’s Seasoning Salt: Our original Northwest recipe features a unique blend of sea salt, pepper, paprika, garlic and other gourmet spices designed to enhance the flavour of any meal. Makes every meal better in every way.
4. Lunch Meat. The shrieking whistle of “I wish I was in Dixie” pierces the air in front of your pursed lips as the last container of Johnny’s Seasonings bounces onto the bottom of the metal cart. “Away, away. Away down Sout-” Oh! Lunches this week, darn! What am I supposed to eat while I slave away at my (insert job here)? Luckily, you remember that the ever-giving Costco sells Kirkland sliced lunch meat, an affordable and delicious alternative to other stores. Turkey, ham, and salami are what you grab, although you do ponder for a moment over whether you should get Genoa or hot salami.
5. Frozen Pizza. You’re ready for meals in the future, you’re ready for lunch this week and you’re ready to play Xbox when you get home. Heck, you’re even ready for breakfast (which you’ll inevitably skip so you can get those extra precious five minutes of sleep, oh yeah that’s the stuff baby!). All that’s left is what you’re going to eat as you bum around your house this beautiful Saturday. “What else?” you think “a pizza for one!”. So, you go to the frozen food and grab yourself a 12 pack of “Red Baron pizza singles, deep dish”. These are no regular frozen pizzas, you remember, they’re made from real cheese. A hugging feeling of solace drains over you as you realize this fact.
6. Cooking (Canola) Oil. As your feet glide slowly off the epoxy flooring and your awe-inspired eyes wander around the diverse, sizeable and low-priced items a memory of the “pizza for one” comment jarringly slams a memory into your brain: you have a date tonight with that really good looking and funny girl/guy/anthropomorphic dolphin from school/work/that artsy coffee shop you pretended to like for months so they’d notice you! Also, you offered to cook! Curse your brain for being so smooth with the ladies/men/fish-men hybrids, now what are you supposed to do? You look left, then right, then BOOM! There it is, STEP ONE: cooking oil. At Costco, you can get two of these way cheaper than anywhere else at 14.7 cents an ounce. That way, you’ll have enough for a second date, maybe?
7. Rolls. Now, you need an appetizer. You don’t want to look like some uncultured swine in front of this person you’re trying to impress and a three-course meal should create the illusion swimmingly! You rack your brain for appetizers until out of the corner of your eye you catch some Franz Butterflake rolls, the perfect solution! Quick, easy buttery goodness that’s sure to knock your partner’s socks off! Yes! You’re so smart, all those people were wrong about you in High School! Take THAT, Stacy from Home Ec!
8. Rotisserie Chickens. Now that you brilliantly bested the appetizer puzzle, now it’s time to move on to your main course. That’s when a sudden realization washes over you like a fierce tide: you really don’t want to cook all that much. The thought of standing in front of a pan for like three hours while you could be running Overwatch brings feelings of dread to the pit of your empty stomach. It growls in protest just as the waft of cooked meat meets your nostrils. Of course! Rotisserie chicken! And at 4.99$ for a three-pound bird, it’s one of the best prices for meat in the country! You scoop one from its heated resting place and toss it in your cart.
9. Spinach. You’re starting to feel pretty good about yourself, maybe you can actually pull this off! You start to picture your lives together— playing Xbox with your seemingly endless supply of batteries, splashing through the water gleefully, eating dinner rolls and chicken together… but without any vegetables? A record scratches and the fantasy stops, what are we going to be, meatatarians? Dolphins are omnivores, darn it! You scramble for a quick and delicious vegetable option and land on spinach: the king of vegetables. You pick up a pound because you think that if tonight doesn’t go so well, you should probably start eating more of these anyways.
10. Cheese. Bread, done. Meat, done. Vegetables, done. You’re nodding your head in approval until you remember that lesson from grade two that has somehow eluded you until this moment— there are in fact FOUR food groups! You’re trying desperately to remember what it is, for some reason drawing a major blank until that authoritative voice from earlier screams “IT COMES FROM COWS, IDIOT!”. You slap your forehead and move to the cheese section where you grab four pounds of natural Swiss cheese.
11. Bacon. “Alright,” you think while breathing a sigh of relief “that’s gotta be it for dinner, right? I mean, how am I even going to put those last two elements together?”. “No time for that” the voice replies, sounding irritated “think about this self-proclaimed genius, what if your guest hates everything you just bought? I mean, have you ever even seen a dolphin eat cheese or spinach?” You mutter something about not ever seeing a dolphin-man hybrid either, but not loud enough that the voice in your head can hear. Wouldn’t want to make it angry, who knows what it can do? “Back to the task at hand,” you think, refocusing yourself “what’s a universal crowd-pleaser?” Like a group of teenagers at a Drake concert, the memes from 2012 swarm and mob you and one word stands out amongst them: BACON. You rush to the meat aisle again and grab some Kirkland bacon. Surely they can’t possibly be disappointed by BACON! Who doesn’t like bacon?
12. Nutella. Your genius finally starts to cement itself inside of you. Staring down at the half-full cart that stands before you, you can’t help but feel a sense of beaming pride. People walk by and look at you like you’re weird, staring down at a cart with such a sense of accomplishment, but you don’t care. They don’t know you. They don’t know your story. “We’re not out of the woods yet, buckaroo,” utters the voice, “we still have the biggest challenge of all: dessert.” Your face drops as you realize it’s right, what was it they said they liked for desserts again? You vaguely remember them clicking something about chocolate at you, but you can’t be certain. Just to be safe, you grab some Nutella: the healthiest of chocolate snacks (or so you’ve been told). Now there’s no way they can call you an out-of-shape loser!
13. Applesauce squeezes. “Great job, genius,” says the voice. “Thanks,” you reply before it can add anything else, but then a thought pops into your head. “Hey, I probably shouldn’t be talking to a voice in my head, huh?”. “Don’t think about it” replies the voice quickly “what happens if you’re wrong about the chocolate thing?” You frown at the voice’s reply, not just because it blew off your question but because it’s right! Behind you, there are some applesauce squeezes and the frown on your face flips. You grab a box, invoking nostalgic feelings of being in a playground and squeezing the little packaging into your own little face.
14. Ice Cream. Alright, you’ve got Nutella and applesauce squeezes, covering two of the dessert bases. What’s left? You don’t want to get candy or chips because that would seem lazy and there’s one thing that dolphins are not and that’s lazy! You’re racking your brain until you hear an exasperated noise from the voice in your head. With half the gusto as before, the voice sighs and says: “cows, buddy”. Cows, of course! What an amazing idea for a dessert! The voice stops you before you go on: “ice cream, pal. Ice cream”. Ice cream, of course! What an amazing idea for a dessert. Skipping gaily over to the dairy aisle, you grab some signature Kirkland Ice Cream, increasing not only your confidence in yourself but also the stares from the other customers. Haters.
15. Nuts. “Vanilla?” screams the voice in your head angrily, “Vanilla? Is that what you want our significant other to think of us?”. “Nuts!” you think back and suddenly there is a pause between you and yourself. After the silence takes a moment too long, your inner monologue finally breaks it: “yeah, that could work”. You twirl in place, knocking over another customer’s cart and prompting a loud “Hey, watch it!”. But you have no time for their silly games, you have nuts to grab! Speeding through the aisles you grab a tub of Kirkland nuts and inspect it. “Ooh,” you think in Homer Simpson’s voice “Extra-fancy!”.
16. Alcohol. You start to think that maybe it’s no coincidence that you’re such a good shopper. Maybe this was the job you were born to do, that going to Costco was always written in the stars as YOUR personal destiny. As you muse these ideas, a fear that has been slowly creeping up finally jumps from the dark and spooks you: what if they don’t find you as amazing as you do? What if all your dolphin jokes offend them? Oh no! All your best material is dolphin-related! You start to regret that marine-based comedy class you spent $1,000 on until you remember there’s something that lowers people’s inhibitions and makes almost anything funny: ALCOHOL! After a quick breeze through the booze section, you grab a bottle of 2012 BODEGA CARMEN RODRIGUEZ CARODORUM SELECCION ESPECIAL RESERVA TORO, because it has the most names and thus is the fanciest.
17. Shampoo. You’ve done it, you smart person! You’ve created a whole meal for you and your guest, there is no way you’re not going to pull this o…. Ew. What’s that smell? You look around, quickly realizing it couldn’t be the holy land itself Costco, that place smells of a warehouse. You’re suddenly bathed in realization—the smell is YOU, you dirty person. All this running and twirling and pushing the cart works up quite the sweat and you need a shower, STAT. You grab some cheap Kirkland shampoo so that you can get the stink off, the last thing you want is to remind your undersea potential partner that you have ewwy sweat glands! Blech!
18. Towels. After you’ve purchased your shampoo you start to think of the state of your bathroom. It’s not good to put it gently, especially the crusty messes you call “towels”. The thought of your guest stumbling upon these abominations causes you to ride your cart scooter style all the way to the towel section, blowing through other customers as you go. You snag an entire set of towels, ooh baby that’s fancy! Mom would be proud!
19. Movie and Restaurant gift cards. Allllllrightey then! What else could you possibly need? The meals are ready, you’ve got batteries for the after-meal entertainment, and all bathroom and hygiene-related demands have been appeased… “But what if…” that voice starts again. “Oh no, not another “but”! Anything but a “but”! I’d even take a butt over a “but”, if I hear “but” again I’m going to have to butt you from my head, voice,” you complain. “That’s a lotta but!” the voice says calmly “but all I’m saying is what if they really like your dinner but say, I don’t know, maybe don’t want to play Xbox all night like a bum?”. You stare into space, smashing your face into an angry and confused state. “What else is there, voice?”. You can hear the voice rubbing the bridge of its disembodied nose: “Just get some gift cards”. You shake your head “can’t I just get gift cards at the place I want to go?” you say out loud. “They’re 20% cheaper here” the voice snaps back “hey, who’s the seemingly all-knowing voice here?”. You shrug as you grab some movie gift cards from the shelf. Can’t argue with that logic!
20. Popcorn. Looks like that’s everything! You say to yourself, fully knowing there are five entries left in this article. You’re hoping that maybe there won’t be any more “but what ifs” but of course, there is one. “What if you end up staying HOME? Watching a movie together? Hanging out and watching Netflix?” the voice asks. “You mean Netflix and ch-” the voice stops you mid-sentence “we don’t want to bring up tortured and tired memes, do we? Plus, we’re better than that! I bet we can sit through an entire Netflix session without getting the urge to hook up”. You roll your eyes at the bald-faced lie your mind is telling you, but decide to get some popcorn anyways. Something’s gotta distract you from that alluring dorsal fin.
21. Butter. As you weigh the popcorn in your hands you remember all the dry, tasteless popcorn you’ve tasted in your life. You grimace at the thought of your guest clicking disgustedly at your potentially unbuttered popcorn. You want to trust Costco, as it’s never let you down in the past, but you can’t take any chances. Three months you spent drinking seawater coffee in that darn shop and you’re not going to let some popcorn ruin your progress! Grabbing some nicely priced Kirkland butter you trudge on through the warehouse, making certain nothing was forgotten…
22. Water. You’re racing around the store, realizing that time is of the essence. The hourglass grains of sand are getting few and far between, the pressure is rising. You screech around a corner causing a flurry of products to burst into the air like a firework. Something wet hits your face and you realize what it is: water! Then, like a watch, all the gears start to turn in your head. “A-HA!” you exclaim possibly a little too loudly judging based on the fact that mothers are rushing their children away from you “if my date occasionally lives in water, they must also like it!” you hear a magazine page flip with a sort of blasé indifference. “Sure,” says the voice, tired and bored “why not?”. You grab a couple of cases and are on your way.
23. Flowers. On your way toward the cash register, an old idiom crosses your mind. “Stop and smell the roses,” it coos, and you turn around to gaze at the store you just navigated through. Such majesty in its simplicity, you can’t help but feel a twinge of pride and an onslaught of inspiration. Who knew you could have such an amazing day at Costco, of all places? The voice in your head cuts off your bliss: “No, I mean smell the roses. They’re beautiful, no?” For a moment you’re confused but then you catch on: “Ah,” you say, grabbing a rather large bouquet from the counter “I see where this is going”. They’re roses too! There’s no way your date can call you cheap now!
24. A hot dog. You’ve paid for your purchases and gawked at the low total it eventually becomes. “That’s the beauty of Costco!” says the voice in your head, for once cheery. Mistakenly, you think the girl at the counter was the one who commented, so you reply out loud: “I know, right?” In response, she furrows her eyebrows and takes a step as far away from you as she can. Embarrassed, you pay for your stuff. Luckily, there’s a place where you can eat your feelings away— the food court! Never leave Costco without buying a hot dog, trust me, it’s a rule!