He stands straight with a lack of confidence, his look is authoritative yet submissive and his dress is, well, boring. When you come to the realization that the man before you is a drag to look at, he looks at you, eyebrows furrowed. “I’ll have you know it’s rather hard to get clothes that are exciting up here”. Up here? Up where? Suddenly, you figure out where you are. “Oh my god” you say, aghast “am I dead?”. The man shakes his head: “No, but we do like to do routine checkups every now and again. Keeps people honest.”
You’re still trying to decipher all of this, so you point to the man like a troglodyte and say: “Saint Peter?”. The man shakes his head again, not looking up from the big tome standing on a podium in front of him. “No, just Peter” he says, almost impatiently “we did away with all that saint business all those years ago. Righto, let’s begin shall we? These are 12 People Who Got It So Right And 12 More People Who Got It So Wrong”. You look confused, so Peter explains further: “By ‘people’ I mean you, we just need to butt and bold the title in the intro for readability purposes.” Right, NOW it all makes sense.
1. Lebron’s next team. “What we like to do here,” says Peter “is start with the positives and then move on to the areas where you may need some improvement. We’ll be using specific moments in your life, so try and keep up, mmkay?”. There’s still a lot you don’t understand about this place, but you shrug your shoulders because, you know, what else are you going to do on a Tuesday afternoon? You wait patiently for Peter to find your first good deed, maybe a little TOO long for your liking. “AH!” he finally says “I see here you once taught a group of children about synergy by making them all play on the same basketball team! However, they did lose the value of good competition and you WERE only doing it as community service, so… half a point”. Off to a great start.
2. A very, very good boy. “Another point in your favor” starts Peter “is you are very nice to dogs while you’re alive.” You start to stand with confidence and pride, but Peter squints his face a little in protest. “Then again, who isn’t right?” Peter scribbles something down in the big tome, which is always a good sign.
3. A very, very, VERY good girl. “Yes, very nice to dogs INDEED” says Peter, somewhat surprised. You sense the almost stupefaction in his voice: “what’s wrong with that? I thought being nice to dogs is a good thing”. Peter frowns a tiny bit and says: “yes, but that’s ALL that I can find so far, which isn’t the best sign”. You swallow hard. This is going to be a long trip.
4. Clippy!!! “AH! Here we go!” he says “you’re the only person in EXISTENCE never to write anything mean to Clippy, the Microsoft word mascot”. Peter smiles down at his tome, but you don’t have the heart to tell him you’ve never OWNED Microsoft word.
5. Not so foul ball. Peter takes another long time to look through his tome. You decide the best and only way for you to secure a good review is to schmooze the guy a little. “Why’d they do away with Saint?” you ask “I’ve always believed that the people who work hardest and are the most devout in life should be rewarded with a title in the afterlife. Don’t you agree?”. Peter purses his lips. “Everyone who is here deserves to be here. The title Saint gives people a false sense of enTITLEment” says Peter, chuckling softly at his own joke “No more questions please, thank you! Now, I’ve come across a moment where you gave a little girl the foul ball you caught at a baseball game”. What? That’s not how— “WAIT!” interrupts Peter “nevermind, the footage was backward.”
6. You are beautiful… in every single way… Peter is searching incredibly intently through his tome, pawing through it several times. “Well,” he says “you managed not to call any overweight people fat…” he pauses “to their face…”
7. Gee, thanks hurricane! Peter sighs deeply. “We don’t usually do this” he says, pulling out an even bigger tome “but I’ll have to look up the deeds you were privy too, but wasn’t the driving force behind the act itself. Like the time your parents gave your trampoline to the neighbor’s kid. Although you did complain about it for a week, even though you were 19 years old and hadn’t played with it in years”. As Peter starts to look through the second tome, you ask nervously: “is that really necessary?”. Peter glances up from his tome and says: “I DID say we didn’t do it often, didn’t I?”. Gulp.
8. I wish MY DAD would give me 100$! “Mhm… mhm…” starts Peter “very generous on birthdays! Very good!” You suddenly perk up. “Really? “No” says Peter, chuckling to himself. You only got presents for people who would buy YOU presents on YOUR birthday. That’s selfish”.
9. Conflicted. “Yes, you seem to have a great affinity for animals, especially dogs,” he says, breathing out heavily “you even cheered for the predator AND prey while watching Planet Earth!”. You start to beam with pride, but a thought occurs: “wait, if this is heaven, does that mean…” Peter smiles up at you. “Heaven is a blanket term, just something everyone understands right off the bat, but you can call it whatever you want— paradise, Nirvana, Zion, Mount Olympus, whatever floats your boat, matey. Now, what did I say about questions?”
10. Xmas. “Hey, look at this!” Peter says, surprised “apparently, you were very generous to the homeless most Christmases!”. Oh yeah, that’s right! You love Christmas! There’s no way he’ll say— “However” starts Peter “Christmas is a time when you’re EXPECTED to give. It would have been better if you gave people presents all the time.” Oh COME ON, give me a break!
11. So true, stop feeding me grandma! Silence. A LONG silence. You watch Peter as he is almost finished the second tome. You clear your throat, “Anything else?”. Peter breathes out and shakes his head. “You called your grandparents occasionally”.
12. True wholesomeness. Peter suddenly stops and checks the book again. “Apparently” he says “you raised a gentle, loving, empathetic girl. You made her childhood memorable in a good way and she has nothing but unconditional love for you. While she may not be around as much as she used too, she thinks of you very fondly and thanks her lucky stars every day to have had a parent like you”. That you don’t remember. “Wait” says Peter “that’s somebody else, sorry. My mistake, apparently you KICKED that girl in middle school.” Ah. THAT you remember.
13. A very, very, VERY, EXTREMELY, INCREDIBLY good boy. “AAAAAAAAAnd more dog -related things” Peter says, closing the book. “Care to move on to the bad stuff?” you think for a moment. “Can’t we talk about the dog stuff for a little while longer?”.
14. JAWS. The ground crumbles beneath your feet and suddenly you’re falling, falling, falling until BOOSH! Your head smacks violently against the stone ground. You rub your head and you’re suddenly surrounded by stone and flame. Gee, I wonder where you are! “Allllright” comes a grouchy, raspy voice. You look up and before your eyes sits a librarian type woman, aged and surly. “Let’s get this over with” she says, clearly bored “we’ve got a LOT to get through. The first thing you did is even though you apparently love animals, you certainly teased a lot of sharks!” You couldn’t help yourself, alright? They’re such goofballs.
15. Nice. Quality craftsmanship, people. “Speaking of teasing” says the librarian “care to explain this?” she shows you this picture, which you MAY have had a part in. “I thought it would be funny” you say “I didn’t think those builders would actually believe I was the foreman. Listen… Um…” “Roz” the librarian snaps back “shut up. I’m trying to determine whether you’ll be darned for all time”. You chuckle at her use of the word “darn” and she glares daggers at you. “Just because YOU’RE a potty-mouth” she starts, looking up from her fiery tablet “doesn’t mean I have to be”.
16. Bad place for a nap. Roz raises an eyebrow at you. “Okay” you start “that was an accident. The courts determined that too, by the way. I bet it doesn’t say THAT in your book, now does it?” Roz looks down her glasses at you: “No… but the very next entry says you bribed a police officer and a judge. These two wouldn’t happen to be related, would they?”. You gulp: “No.” Roz rolls her eyes and looks back down at her tablet. “I’ll add ‘liar’ in there too”.
17. IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S- oof. “Oh come on!” you yell at Roz “THAT’S objectively funny!” Roz shakes her head at you. “As funny as it MAY BE, taking advantage of ANYONE’S low intelligence is frowned upon”. You look at her in disbelief: “EVEN sorority girls?”. Roz shakes her head and sighs: “Yes. Even sorority girls”.
18. Boy, that whomps! You look in disbelief at the “discretion” that Roz is showing you. “Oh come on” you say “now you’re just SEARCHING for stuff, that wasn’t even my fault!”. Roz looks down at the picture: “apparently it wasn’t the act ITSELF. It was the way you acted after the milk’s owner made fun of your milk-opening abilities.” You snort in response: “well, I was provoked then!”. Roz frowns at you: “But tossing someone out the window is NOT the correct response!”. You smile and raise your eyebrows: “That’s not what the courts said!”
19. A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. “Removed head from statue” Roz says after listing about 50 other indiscretions, but finally you can stop her. “I WAS ONLY EMULATING WHAT I SAW ON TV! I’M A VICTIM ROZ, A VICTIM OF THE MEDIA!” Roz rolls her eyes and says: “Right, cause I’ve never heard THAT before”
20. Burn baby burn. Roz is just listing your indiscretions at this point: “…pushed an old lady into the street, replaced a fire breather’s safe liquid with gasoline, tripped exactly 37 people…”
21. The Otterbox! “…stole a local kid’s bike because he ‘took your trampoline’, broke your nephew’s new iPhone with a hammer because his angry birds was ‘a little annoying’, forgot to brush your teeth exactly 32 times, littered right next to a ‘no littering’ sign…”
22. Watch yourselfie! “… cheated on tests, significant others, marathons and in friendly games of Monopoly, invented a social media platform with the sole intention of spying on your exes, crashed your boat into another because of a slapdash attitude, used the word “moist” to make people cringe…”
23. CATCH! Roz takes a deep breath. Oh thank god, she’s do- “broke your photographer friend’s favorite camera, peed in public an uncountable amount of times, made chicken with no seasoning or anything, drank “cola” on an almost daily basis, didn’t share a funny article when you laughed at it, shared an article you hated an called the author a fat loser…” But that author WAS a fat loser, what’s wrong with being truthful? Don’t believe me? It was written by Jak- (last two words were omitted at the request of the fat loser author).
24. At least he won’t miss the train! Roz takes an incredibly long pause, but you’ve seen this bit before. As soon as you say, “are you done?” she’ll cut you off and launch into a tirade of more bad things you’ve done. You’re not going to give her the satisfaction, you’ll just wait. And wait. And wait. Wait… maybe she is done? “Hey, are you—” “cut in front of people getting out of the subway, ate foie gras on a regular basis and put a flightless partridge in a pear tree, where it starved”. Roz closes her book and cleans her glasses “Okay, now I’m done”. You’re scared to ask, but you do anyways: “so, how did I do?”. Roz takes a long, deep breath. “Well, after careful evaluation I can confidently say if you continue your life on the same path you’ll be spending… 100,000 years here. As for the other place…” Oh boy! You get to go to both! This is a pleasant surprise. “As for the other place” Roz continues “you’ll get 35 minutes, then its reincarnation for YOU, friend! Thank you for visiting the afterlife, can I help you with anything else?”. You sigh. “No, I guess not.”
Click NEXT POST to read more stories like this and don’t forget to SHARE with your Facebook friends.