“I’m sorry, but we’re over.”
You can’t believe what you’re hearing. Your boo, your love, the apple of your eye, your significant other, is finally leaving you. What could it have been? You wonder, before asking them: “What could it have been?”
“We have nothing in common,” they say, arms crossed. “The only thing you care about is Deep Blue-something!”
“That’s not true,” you blurt out. “What about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”
“Actually, I recall that fi– OH GOSH DARNIT,” screams significant other, furious. “Listen YOU, unless you shape up right now, this is over. However, there is no way you could possibly rehaul your entire life over the course of an article. There is no website on the entire Internet willing to help reshape the life of some loser. No one who can provide you with, say, 25 life changes, or maybe not changes, but something closer – I don’t know, maybe something technical and modern? Life strategies? Life techniques? Life–” Okay, you know where I’m going with this.
This is 25 Easy Hacks For Everyday Problems.
1. Put a marshmallow in the bottom of the cone to prevent drippy, melty, ice cream mess. Ah yes, as the sweet summer months approach, one thing is for certain: those of us immature enough to chase after the ice cream truck will be subject to the mess that accompanies this summertime frozen treat. Hopefully one of the truck drivers will read this article.
2. Makeshift sombrero? Cardboard and duct tape. Hey, if the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Ah, good ol’ Red Green. I wonder what he’s up to these days… still doing his Red Green character and hey, apparently he won an Order of Canada. I’m assuming that’s our equivalent to knighting or something because there seem to be a lot of celebrities with the Order of Canada.
3. What? Finally! I knew writing this article would come in handy! See, I always try to take the life hack articles because I always learn something handy, which I usually immediately forget. But hey, if I ever come back to read one of these articles, then I’ll remember. Hello future me, reminiscing about the beautiful job we lost, I see. Maybe next time write the entries and don’t talk to your future self?
4. Freeze chili in a cupcake tray to get perfect portions. This is perfect for after The Super Bowl. This life hack will allow you to keep eating chili way after you stop wanting to eat chili. I mean, after the fourth night in a row maybe it’s time to switch to gumbo or something.
5. When murdering someone, always make sure to at least cover your eyes. I’m kidding, the actual life hack here was to wear ski goggles while cutting onions to avoid crying. Then again, that first one I wrote is probably good advice too. You know, should you decide to murder someone.
6. Yes, that’s right. Groom yourself. Soon you’ll be taking those pills you need to survive. Feeding animals, particularly cats, vitamins or medication is no easy task. However, this illustration shows one surefire way to get your kitty to take necessary pills. Grind up said pill and sprinkle it on the feline so they naturally groom it off themselves.
7. Pure, unadulterated, genius. I have to admit this idea has crossed my mind, as I’m sure it has yours, but I’ve never really thought about it let alone put it into practice. What I like to do is roll the pizza slice up and eat the whole thing like a big Tootsie Roll.
8. This life hack is cool as ice. Here’s another great idea for all of you who actually go outside during the summer months. I, personally, haven’t seen the sun in over two years, which would explain why my eyesight has gone completely nocturnal and my skin has turned grey. Why do you think I need to use a photo from like five years ago?
9. The most wholesome and possibly the best advice on this list. Yeah sure title Jake, until your head also asks: “Yeah but what if it doesn’t, which it totally will, because nothing ever goes right for you.” Then it goes off on a tangent about all the times you’ve messed up, and it just gets so tedious. All your head ever does is rant at you, you’ve really gotta find a new one.
10. No screen looking! Ah, the arch-enemy of any gamer before the online age, the dreaded screen looker. This life hack is perfect for besting their wandering eyes! Incidentally, if anyone knows of a good game for the current generation of consoles that features local multiplayer, let me know.
11. LEGO hands are the perfect size for holding chargers and other cords. And plus, it allows you to spice up your desk a little bit. Maybe you’ll turn it into Mos Eisley spaceport. Your desk is a wretched hive for at least one scum or villain. I know mine is.
12. Never get accused of flying low again! Use a key ring to keep that pesky zipper up and your pesky genitals unexposed! Due to my incredibly fluctuating weight (rat season is only from November to mid March, and in the summer I’m usually only eating cockroaches #summerbod), my jeans are always either too small for my emaciated, underfed body or too tight for my obese, overfed body, so this hack really works for me.
13. Deter thieves by strapping your purse to the cart! That would be an awkward moment for any would-be robbers as they try to pull out the purse only to knock over the cart. What do you do at that moment? Just run or try to play it off? “Oh, how silly of me, that wasn’t my purse!”
14. A jug + a flashlight = no spooky ghosts can get you in the dark. One might wonder why you wouldn’t just use the flashlight, but then again, you can’t look like an old-timey innkeeper holding up a lantern with a flashlight.
15. Wait a minute, I’ve seen this before… This is the use the straw to get the butter into the middle of the popcorn trick! I’ve written about this one before! Oh my god, everything is looping into itself! The universe is infinite and never-ending, yet it all closes in on itself, going in circles infinity times!
16. Drill holes into your garbage can to make it a very nice flute. I am, of course, kidding. You do this so that you’re not recognized when you murder someone. The holes in the bottom of the garbage can cover your face- wait a minute, faces don’t go in garbage cans! Garbage does! Let me check my notes here. Oh, as it turns out, this entry was supposed to be for if you keep getting the bag stuck in the bin, drill holes in the bottom to release some of the pressure. My bad!
17. Do your little goofball kids keep running off to join the circus? Get them returned safely with this trick! Using a liquid bandage and a marker, you can write your number on a kid’s arm and then let them play wherever they want. On the tracks, in the alligator pit, on the highway, the possibilities are endless because now little Timmy won’t get lost! Wait, what’s that? Your town doesn’t have an alligator pit? Yeesh! Talk about missing out! No, I’m of course not talking to you Florida.
18. Speaking of goofball kids, make sure your fidgety toddler doesn’t crank their head on the ground with this helpful tip! It’s time to end toddler concussions, I say. With the help of some pool noodles, we can keep our sleep-flailing toddlers on their beds where they belong! Hey, everyone has to have a cause, keeping toddlers sans concussion just happens to be mine!
19. Sick of cracking your nails on that dumb key ring thing? Use a staple remover to help you put your keys on! I don’t have nails because, like a kid, I chew on them. So naturally, the dumb key ring thing is my arch nemesis. I swear, it takes me longer to put a key on that thing than if I were to write an exam. And my parents wondered how I flunked out of university the first time!
20. Renew old erasers with old nail files! What? What’s an eraser? Is it supposed to erase printed words or something? Why wouldn’t you just delete the word on the original file and reprint it? I bet some dumb millennial invented this! Ha ha! Dumb millennials. They can’t do ANYTHING right!
21. What? Who doesn’t steal red pens? I feel like if you’re at the point where you have to steal a pen, you’re not really drawing the line at what color it is. The only situations where I can see myself needing to steal a pen are if I forgot one for an exam, if I had a sudden genius idea, or if I was creating the illusion that the pen was bending.
22. Microwave garlic and the skin will peel right off. The picture is embedded to a YouTube video, so it would probably explain this a little better. Now if only they could invent something that could chop garlic a little better… maybe something you could slap? I don’t know, I’m not an engineer.
23. Use fabric softener to save old, dried up paint brushes. Now, if they could only do that for my old, dried up body! But Jake, you’re only 23! Nice try voice in my head, but I think we BOTH know that we peaked in grade four. God, that was certainly a golden age of creativity, wasn’t it?
24. Do you, like every other person on planet earth, lose those gummy things at the end of your earbuds? Use earplugs to restore them to their former glory! Look at me, talking about earbuds like I’m some insane Zealot talking about a dead religion. I’m like a low-level Ronan the Accuser, also known as the greatest Marvel villain to ever grace the screen with his presence. It goes: Ronan, Green Goblin (the 2002 version, obviously), and maybe Micheal Keaton’s the Vulture? I don’t know. I haven’t seen Black Panther yet, but I hear Erik Killmonger is pretty cool. Hey, with a name like KILLMONGER how could you not?
25. Focus your light in your car with a regular old cardboard box. Get that spotlight you so desperately crave during your carpool karaoke. Please, I don’t need a car to do karaoke, all I need is a bar and a decent amount of vodka crans.
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