We all love CGI. Well, at least some of us do.
Whether it’s James Cameron’s Avatar dazzling us with its bland story yet jaw-dropping effects, or it’s the most recent Marvel movie that puts us at the edge of our seat with its action but then puts us to sleep with its samey, self-important dialogue, the effects of computer-generated imagery can turn a repetitive, predictable, over the top, boring looking franchise into a repetitive, predictable, over the top, dazzling looking franchise.
Listen, I’m sorry I’m so salty, it’s just early in the morning and thinking about what’s in theatres at the moment is giving me a headache. Where was I? Right, CGI! There are the movies who can do it well and then there are these stinkers. The CGI so bad it arguably ruins the entire movie, if you know, we wanna be dramatic about this.
This is 25 Cringey CGI Fails That Ruined The Whole Movie.
1. The dazzling effects of Ryan Reynold’s best superhero flick, Green Lantern. Wait, I thought we were talking about CGI fails? How can this cinematic triumph that is 2011’s Green Lantern appear on any list with the word fail in it? This must be some sort of mistake, the green goo that was Hal Jordan’s super suit was supposed to look like it was spread like jam onto Ryan Reynold’s toned, muscled figure.
2. Jar Jar Binks. Alright, now I know I must’ve gotten the lists mixed up. Jar Jar Binks? The funniest character in the Star Wars franchise, arguably the greatest comic relief ever put into a film, a character that Geroge Lucas called “the key to everything” is being deemed bad CGI? Clearly, you and I were not watching the same film, as Jar Jar blended in so seamlessly with the other CGI creatures shoehorned, er I mean put gracefully and artistically into the film.
3. The swinging monkey scene from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Arguably the best Indiana Jones movie ever, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’s CGI was nothing short of a masterpiece, you philistines. From the flawlessly done sword fight through the jungle, to the jaw-dropping gorgeousness that was those weird aliens, this film was an achievement in artistry, visual effects and storytelling. Hey, why has George Lucas already shown up twice on this list?
4. The CGI from Van Helsing. If it wasn’t for the feel good, very positive film The Greatest Showman, Van Helsing might be my favorite Hugh Jackman film. For the longest time, I thought they got REAL vampires, werewolves and Frankensteins for this flick, until I learned that the film actually used CGI for these creatures. What? No!
5. The shark that eats Samuel L Jackson in Deep Blue Sea. Oh you piteous fools, don’t you see that the video game graphics of this film were intended? They were meant to set up the Deep Blue Sea Gamecube game, which eventually was canceled because they figured “the Capcom Six” would just sound like too much.
6. The CGI in Catwoman. If it wasn’t for this early 2000s Halle Berry picture, I don’t know if the Batman series would have a good piece of media to lend its name to. The Dark Knight and the Tim Burton movies are hack jobs, not the mention the god-awful abomination that is the animated series. Mark Hamill as the Joker? Are you kidding me, what were they thinking?
7. The deer in the Ring 2. As per usual with foreign films, the Americanized version is always better. And if there is another truth in film it’s that sequels are ALWAYS better than the original. So what’s a sequel to an Americanized version of a Japanese horror film? One word: a masterpiece.
8. The zombies from I am Legend. I honestly have no idea what people see in this movie besides the sweet looking zombie type things. What, so Will Smith loses his dog and it’s a sad moment or whatever? Movies aren’t supposed to make me feel, they’re supposed to dazzle me with effects and keep me entertained for a couple hours so I don’t have to face my problems!
9. The zombies from World War Z. How DARE you tarnish the name of one of Brad Pitt’s greatest motion pictures. I demand you strike this entry from the list immediately. World War Z was a perfect film and who cares if it didn’t follow the book in the slightest? Books are for weird nerds who don’t see the sun and can like, you know, make, like, words string together or whatever.
10. The entire Polar Express. Most likely Tom Hanks’ best movie, it is also probably the best movie based around the pagan holiday of Christmas. I personally don’t celebrate Christmas since Starbucks personally offended me with their red cups, but why bring up a painful part of our collective history?
11. The CGI from Escape to New York. I personally have never seen this movie as I will not watch anything with Kurt Russell. Not after I saw the SNOOZEFEST that was The Thing, at least. Watching some boring scientists bore each other to death in the boring arctic for three hours? And what was with all those lame practical effects? They don’t look real at all! I think I’d rather watch John Carpenter do actual carpentry!
12. The troll from the first Harry Potter movie. I hate the Harry Potter series, I just don’t find those films believable in the slightest. Sure, I can believe things like the force and the green lantern rings can work, but British people doing good? I don’t think so, buddy. It’s a cartoonishly evil posh villain or nothing, England!
13. The added CGI creatures in the Star Wars remastering. What, George Lucas AGAIN? But the man is a genius! Remastering the original Star Wars trilogy was a genius move, who cares if Han Solo shot first or not? It’s not like it was a really cool character moment or anything. If Han Solo shoots people then how will his toys sell?
14. Some of the outdated CGI from The Matrix. Listen, bros, I don’t care what anyone says the Matrix series is sick. Especially Reloaded, where they have that huge rave in Zion. Reminds me of spring break in Miami, except it’s a lot less scary cause it’s just machines trying to kill you in Zion. In Florida its gators, pythons, half the population, the flora, the fauna, the other half of the population AND the machines!
15. The armies from the Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies I thought this flick was going to be as snooze worthy as the original trilogy when I saw it started with boring talking, but then once it got into the hour and 45 straight minutes of fighting I was satisfied. And that moose the elf king rides? AMAZING!
16. The Hulk from 2003’s The Hulk. Throw Mark Ruffalo and Edward Norton into the trash bin where they belong, when have those two hacks ever made a good movie anyhow? No, it’s all about the jaw dropping, awe inspiring visuals and story brought to you by Eric Bana and Ang Lee. Ang would go on to win an Oscar for the sleep inducing Life of Pi, but as they say, you win some and you lose some.
17. The tsunami surfing in Die Another Day. And what’s so wrong with this scene from Kelly Slater’s Pro Surfer? It looks fine for a video game that came out in 2002… wait it’s from a big budget movie that also came out in 2002? Oh, still all is forgiven. I mean, it’s James Bond, they’ve done 25 of those and not one has been bad!
18. Wolverine’s claws. Sure, you might think that wolverine’s claws in the earlier X-Men movies look like a lame Halloween costume, but what do you know? I have an online degree in critiquing, by which I mean I started a Youtube channel where I review movies. Nevertheless, I can tell you right here and now that his claws looked as real as can be. Seriously, they look like a real lame Halloween costume!
19. Scooby-Doo from the live action Scooby-Doo movie. As our good friend Shaggy would say: “It wasn’t me”. I don’t know who came up with the CGI for scoob in the live action Scooby Doo movies, but they should be at least given a nobel prize for artistic achievement. If that’s not a category, at least somebody give the Scooby-Doo CGI team a lifetime achievement award. They dress him up as a lady, for pete’s sake!
20. The Monkeys from Jumanji. This entire film is a terrible mess compared to it’s sequel, Jumanji 2: Return to The Cash Grab. I mean, how did they manage to write the characters so hilariously? I mean, a teenage girl from 2018 who’s obsessed with her phone and social media? What? Can she even even right now? SHE CAN’T? Oh my god, seriously how do they come up with this stuff?
21. The Fantastic Four CGI, particularly Mr. Fantastic. You’re out of your gourd if you think there’s a superhero team more entertaining than the Fantastic Four. You’ve got your stretchy guy, your see-through woman, your wacky raccoon , your… alright, full disclosure I haven’t seen the films. But it’s probably the best superhero movie you’re going to see Chris Evans in, at least.
22. The Scorpion King from The Mummy Returns. Please, you haven’t seen a decent Mummy film until you’ve seen either this or the 2017 Tom Cruise reboot. Boris Karloff talking boringly about boring stuff in his boring voice? No thanks! Give me CGI Dwayne Johnson in his best role since… I dunno, let’s say Doom.
23. Superman’s hidden moustache from Justice League. I know I ragged on superhero movies at the beginning of this article, but I need to be clear about something: The DC Universe is a total, complete work of genius. It’s only the Marvel movies, garbage like Guardians of The Galaxy and Deadpool that leave a bad taste in my mouth. Who wants to see a SUPERHERO cussing and crudely referencing his private parts? Not THIS cowboy, that’s for sure!
24. The werewolf from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Once again, the joke that is the Harry Potter series rears its ugly head, and REARS is definitely a word I’d use to describe this franchise. Seriously, movie, who was the genius who decided to make the heroes British. Was it you Rupert Grint, you silly little scamp you?
25. The CGI baby from Breaking Dawn. And of course, this list created by some basement dwelling, uncultured hater ends with my favorite movie of all time. The best thing to come out of this dreadful list is now me and my buddies can do another Twilight marathon. That’ll be the fifth this year!
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