What? Why would you agree to write about the things that women do in real life, me from the past? You don’t know anything about women, for non-denominational deity’s sake, there is no way you can write this article without offending somebody. Well me from the past, luckily we have everyone’s favorite cop-out Ned Neutrality to guide us through another safe, totally inoffensive article! Take it away Ned, I’ll be playing Smackdown Vs Raw 2007!
(Ned takes Jake’s place at the 1940s typewriter)
Day to you, reader. I am Ned Neutrality, occasional substitute writer for Jake and real person. Today, we will be examining the things that women do in films that they apparently do not do in real life. I will, of course, be taking the accounts and opinions of other regular human people, as I am a genderless, grey-skinned being. So that I cannot possibly offend anyone.
1. The only way women can be tough in movies and TV is if they had six brothers. I have never had siblings, as my parents thought having more than one child would interfere with my perfectly neutral upbringing. Imagine their dismay when they had twins.
2. In movies, women will eat food sensually. Depending on the situation, I believe this could actually appear in real life. I personally would never do this as I find candles too hot, but imagine a romantic scene where your partner and yourself are feeding each other strawberries. Now that I think about it, regular people might find that awkward.
3. In films, especially of the Disney variety, women will just bump into men and instantly fall in love with them. The ironic joke here is that the movie we pictured with this point lampooned this trope. Then again the two people who met days earlier ended up falling in love, so maybe we’re not too far off.
4. In films after coitus women will sometimes wrap the sheets around their bodies. This is unrealistic. The argument being that why would you need to be modest after performing one of the most immodest of deeds.
5. A masked savior will come in to save the hero and then it turns out to be the woman. Women in real life, of course, save people without a mask. That is not to say, however, that women with a mask are incapable of saving anyone. Women are as capable as they set themselves up to be while saving lives, masked or not.
6. When women walk places in movies, they always link arms. This is apparently untrue and unrealistic. While I tend not to agree with things all the time, I must agree with this post. I have never seen a group of girls walking to a place, holding their arms. Then again, this is not to imply women are incapable of holding arms and/or walking to places while interlocking those arms.
7. Whenever a woman is running away from a horror movie villain/monster, she will always trip and fall. This is not to say that no women trip and/or fall, women are perfectly capable of tripping and falling. In fact, being chased by a horror movie villain would probably be a bad time, yet understandable time, to trip and fall.
8. Women in film always look very good when getting immediately out of the shower, which is apparently not true. I would assume that at the very least a woman who just got out of the shower would look like she had just dumped a bunch of gallons of liquid on her head. In other words, she would be wet.
9. In films, high school women go completely and totally out of control. This is apparently unrealistic. I wouldn’t know anything about high school parties, as I chose not to go to the parties as that would have made me accepted by the general population. I was not, however, a bookworm as that would have made me exiled. I liked to stay neutral.
10. Women in real life apparently do not wear their boyfriend’s button-ups, like in shows like the Big Bang Theory. According to real-life women, they would much rather wear something comfortable like a T-Shirt or nothing at all when going to be or relaxing around the house. In fact, I know some men who themselves find wearing their button ups objectionable.
11. Women in films and shows like Riverdale always make their boyfriends give them their jackets. This is objectionable to some because apparently, women should know how to dress for the weather themselves. I believe this is to reinforce the independent woman ideal.
12. When women are given men’s jackets in cold weather, they wear them over their shoulders in the movies, but over their arms and torso and shoulders in real life. That would make sense, as the purpose of the jacket is to cover the arms, torso, and shoulders. The women in movies are thinking of a cloak.
13. Before action scenes where women are going to fight, they never tie their hair back. I’ve been told that the problem here is that some women’s hair would get in their faces, which would distract them during the fight. Being distracted during a fight is never good, because it means you will probably lose that fight, depending on how long you are distracted for and the fighting prowess of your opponent.
14. In films, women always run in heels. This would prove difficult, as I have been told that heels are difficult to run in. I believe movie studios put this unrealistic portrayal of what women run in because it allows their feet to remain sexy. But then again, I should not have an opinion because I am not involved with film.
15. Occasionally in films like Fantastic Four, women will throw their wedding/engagement ring off a bridge or otherwise return or get rid of their wedding/engagement ring. This is not true of women in real life. The band of gold which once represented a happy marriage can now give you monetary gain, should you not throw it somewhere or return it to the husband. However, a grand gesture like that one could be the closure you need.
16. In the movies, even if a woman rejects a man she will eventually succumb to his advances if he is aggressive enough. This is a potentially dangerous thing to put in the minds of men too, as it could create violence amongst the sexes if taken the wrong way.
17. The montage of trying on all the clothes in your closet is apparently not real. From what I have read, putting on all those different clothes would be time consuming and dull. Also, not all women have a large closets full of clothes.
18. According to real-life women, here is an unrealistic idea that women wake up in full makeup, glowing and gorgeous. The movie Bridesmaids lampooned this idea. The scene involved a woman getting out of bed and putting on makeup before sliding back into bed, fooling her partner into believing she always looks that gorgeous in the morning.
19. Whenever something bad happens to women in movies, they immediately jump into some PJs and some ice cream. This is not accurate for all women. Some women eat candy, chocolate or other comfort foods when they are sad. Some eat healthy foods. Some don’t eat at all. There are many different types of coping mechanisms, not all food related either.
20. In films like This is 40, women apply hand cream before bed. This is not representative of all women, according to sources from the internet. Hand cream is good for your skin and can make it smooth, if it is applied regularly.
21. From my research, I have found women do not like to be represented as clumsy. Which is an understandable, I think the only people who wish to be represented as clumsy are clowns and slapstick comedians. That is, of course, not excluding women from those professions. Women and men are equal in every way.
22. Occasionally, women will cut their hair or dye it to go undercover, or will shed their long hair in times of great loss. These occur in movies like Lucy and V for Vendetta, and apparently does not represent women in real life. I keep my hair at the perfect length of one inch, so that my hairstyle does not offend anyone, even if I’m trying to go undercover. Although I hardly do.
23. Some take offense to the fact that women who are not exposed to human society like Wonder Woman do not have more hair on their bodies. There is no possible position I could take on this issue without offending my neutrality, which if you hadn’t noticed is kind of my M.O.
24. According to some people, it is objectionable when, in movies like Easy A, a woman who takes off her glasses is suddenly attractive. Fact: this was also shown in the Taylor Swift music video for her song “You Belong to Me”. I find Taylor Swift’s music to be music. But I’m getting too personal now.
25. Apparently, some women in movies like Uptown Girls never have jobs that can possibly support their expensive looking apartments. An accusation that can be verified through fact. Judging by the look of that picture that apartment is very expensive indeed. After a quick check of the film’s synopsis, I have found she has an inheritance from an old rock star. I can infer she can afford the apartment. Point busted.
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