There’s nothing worse than waking up from an alcohol-infused night and scavenging through your phone (if you still have it) to find the answers you don’t know if you really want to know. From the missed calls to the blurry camera roll with questionable time stamps, it doesn’t take long before you begin to utter through a grave throat, the classic line, “I’m never drinking again.”
However, missed calls and call logs are one thing, but re-reading last night’s sloppy text messages is a shame spiral like no other.
Whether it’s a conversation with someone sober or someone recapping your night for you, the idea of ignorance being bliss becomes much more appreciated. Here are 25 hilarious drunk text messages that show why you should never drink and text.
1. Whoever created autocorrect probably didn’t take into consideration the wrath of drunk fingers. Despite the jumbled words and car brands on display here, anyone who has been in this intoxicated texter’s position knows exactly what they mean. The chances that this person ended up dropping their phone in the toilet while trying to decipher their own messages with one squinted eye? High.
2. Every now and then we like to put a little bit of faith in our drunken autopilots and hope that we remained quasi-reasonable human beings — despite not remembering a single thing. Unfortunately, there will always be that friend that has been waiting for the moment you arise just to tell you exactly how drunk you were the night prior.
3. It is very rare that a text message sent after 3 am is a good idea. The only time anyone who is not equally as drunk as you wants to hear their phone ding at these hours is if it is for an absolute emergency. However, you have to appreciate this guy’s grammatical composure in the light of his heroic epiphany.
4. There are some people who drink a little too much in an evening and there are those who reach an ‘absolutely nothing in moderation’ point where the limit does not exist. It sounds like the recipient of this text is a roommate and judging by these absinthe-induced text messages, the coming home would be one frightening experience.
5. The line between fiction and reality can truly become blurred after drinking. Running into a motorcycle riding Hagrid from the wizarding world of Hogwarts after a night on the town? Plausible. Luckily for this drunken adventurer, their new bearded biker seems like they may have been on the same page.
6. There are some friends who will save you from a potentially embarrassing situation once you’ve sacrificed your mind, body and soul to the alcohol gods. However, then there are the friends that will take complete advantage of your lack of inhibition. Let’s just hope there’s no documentation of this event, but Sean seems like the kind of guy who has already uploaded it to some sort of social media platform.
7. Moms don’t tend to have a night out on the town as much as they’d use to so when it rains, it pours. There’s nothing like a 2-for-1 Chardonnay deal at the Olive Garden to get a mom feeling super loose and this wine-happy mom is feeling the need to relay the parental affection. “I’m so happy I decide to keep you” isn’t quite the Hallmark text messaging moment, but it’s certainly better than receiving the opposite.
8. Texting with an overly intoxicated person can be a lot like listening to a really bad DJ. The topic changes are usually abrupt and rogue song lyrics are never out of the question. Julia appears to have briefly placated her friend before letting her affection rants ride out. You can almost guarantee that she received at least five phone calls after midnight.
9. Waking up and realizing that you texted something embarrassing to one of your contacts is one thing, but discovering that you started a group chat is an entirely new level of regret. Unfortunately for this feline urinator, those saviour letters ‘jk’ won’t even work to reverse the damage done here.
10. The beauty of having a party at your house is that you don’t have to worry about getting home. However, if you go overboard on the drinking, you still have no choice but to remain in the chaos. At least this guy remained responsible even though his taxi’s pick-up place shared the same address as his destination.
11. It can be dangerous territory when drunkenly returning home to your sober significant other. You may not remember everything that’s said, but they definitely will. However, this boyfriend seemed to benefit from his intoxication. While he may not have recognized his own girlfriend, he did prove his loyalty by not letting her undress him.
12. When you wake up to texts from the friends you were with last night laughing at you, it’s always a cringe-worthy moment to ask what it is that you did. It’s only then that you realize the true passions of your drunken alter ego, which can include very strong opinions on farming simulation social network games.
13. When your memory isn’t backing you up on last night’s events, it can be hard to know who to trust. Did you really do that thing your friend says you did or are they toying with you? However, sometimes it’s that specific detail that really checks out who you are as a person.
14. We may all be text masters with clear hearts and sober eyes, but throw some alcohol down our esophagus and we all become grandparents who don’t understand how technology works. Sometimes it’s not your misspelling that proves your lack of sobriety, sometimes it’s as simple as a picture of a mollusk.
15. The side of the screen where the text bubble lands, the color, or even the fact that you wrote the message moments ago all does not matter after the drinking has commenced. This person may have gotten away with hiding their drunkenness if they didn’t respond to their own question.
16. The night isn’t truly over until your head hits your pillow (hopefully). Grace may have thought she went through the night unscathed, but little did she know, her moment of peak drunkenness would come with the least supportive of companions, her father. At least she remained a cautious passenger driver despite her state.
17. It would be a truly saccharine world if everyone gushed about how much they loved one another as much as they feel obligated to when drunk. Despite how one believes they are coming off at the moment, it’s usually quite evident when a text message has been relayed from some tipsy fingers.
18. Not every story of last night’s adventures is laced in regret, sometimes even you can appreciate some of your more comical drunken antics. Finding out that at some point in your night you ended up in Walmart is one thing, but kneeling to the intercom voice is something else entirely.
19. The fortunate thing about this drunken encounter is that this person doesn’t have to worry too much about a cat judging them for their behaviour. However, who else witnessed this interaction and also who potentially documented it is the real concern. These questions are most likely what followed in this conversation.
20. A lot can change in the span of 9 hours to the point that trying to recover from last night’s text messages might feel a lot like dealing with your own personal Mr. Hyde. Clearly this follow up text did not go over so well considering the conversation did not start back up again until almost two months later. Woops.
21. Cinderella isn’t the only one who experiences the magic wearing off after midnight. There comes a point with binge drinking where all of that charm and wit go spiralling down the drain and we become the dark and twisted goblins that will haunt our mornings. Sometimes not getting a response is a blessing.
22. This guy clearly thought he was a lot soberer than he really was, but obviously, he does not remember the details of his night correctly. Luckily, his friend kept him from getting behind the wheel, even if he had to placate him with a paper plate to do so.
23. It’s safe to say that this person probably did not get a response back. It’s a questionable move to take the old-school approach of throwing rocks at someone’s window when cell phones exist, but alcohol and common sense aren’t typically two to tango. You have to respect this person’s grammar considering his state resulted in him potentially throwing his phone at a window.
24. Those secret passions you swore you’d never let anyone else know about? All it takes is one blackout for those to come right out in the open. This person clearly does not know how bad it was if they still tried to defend themselves by saying they hadn’t read the book.