Well, it’s decided, you’re evil.
Ever since a certain film company started pumping out superhero flicks like they’re working an assembly line, everyone wants to be a superhero. People in your town are taking to the streets to save kittens, help old ladies cross the street and from time to time stop evil alien races or foreign gods from taking over the universe. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it!
You, on the other hand, don’t like the idea of the do-gooder’s life. Kittens? They’re arrogant and loud, thinking they’re so cute with their big eyes and fluffy fur. Old ladies? Who needs em! They’re old and lame, the world is for the young grandma! And as for alien races and foreign gods, you’re pretty unhappy with your current shadowy overlords. Why not trade up for someone more transparent? Now that you’ve settled on your alignment and are pretty sure on a villain name (it’s either DestroDude or Captain Kill, you’re still on the fence a bit) you’ve got to decide on your first evil act. The first thing you’re going to do to introduce your villainy to the world! It’s a lot of pressure, but don’t worry, Bestie is here to help! Just take some advice from these 25 People Who Just Had To Show Their Evil Side.
1. Helping the poor while spreading words of peace and hand feeding them during which you coo and rub their back. You see the first image and think to yourself: “shouldn’t be too hard! All I have to do is make fun of someone’s looks!” You remember your adult friend who just got braces and with a quick couple button presses, you get them on the phone. “See here, good Samaritan!” you say in your best Skeletor impression “I, Murdernator, hereby tell thee that you have terrible teeth!” there is a pause on the other line that’s eventually broken up by a sigh. “It’s five in the morning, is this really important?”. You don’t have time to answer because you’re too busy hanging up and laughing to the heavens maniacally. Your reign of evil has begun.
2. Helping the poor while spreading words of peace and feeding them while cooing but not touching their backs because you secretly think they’re gross. Next, you see the ways in which a company can be evil. Not small-time evil like tracking your data and selling it to companies so that they can exploit the way you think, but TRUE evil, making fun of celebrities of Twitter. You burst from your house, cape flowing gracefully in the night air. You look both ways and notice a Patriots fan standing outside of a bar. With a sinister twirl, you maliciously skip down the street towards your next victim. You tap him on the shoulder and he turns around, giving you a surprised and confused look. “Wah ha ha!” you laugh “Fool! I, Evilzor, am here to bash your favorite team!” the guy burps quietly into his hand “I thought your name was Murdernator?”. “I’m trying something new” you snap back “seeing which one works best in action. But think not that you can escape my wrath, citizen! Your so-called hero Tom Brady is a cheater and a liar! He does not deserve to be talked about! How will you live with yourself now pathetic worm, knowing that the man you admire most is of questionable moral character? HM?” The Patriots fan shrugs and says: “I mean, five rings. Isn’t that all I have to say?” But his retort goes unheard, as it is drowned out by the echo of your evil cackling.
Twitter | @Butterfinger